Monday, August 07, 2006

Not Quite Myself

I hate having days when I am just not quite myself. I also dislike when I have days that I get so enraged and unfortunately this can be me, and I can not change it at that moment. This is me sometimes. Today I am having a day where I am more alien to myself than yesterday or the day before. Sometimes I think people take advantage of me although I am not rude, I am paid to assist, so I grit my teeth but sometimes I wonder, "Did they see the fire in my eyes"..."Did they hear my teeth grind"..."Did they see my body stiffen up and get tense in a heart beat?"

They must have even though I obliged because 5 minutes later they come back with a more interesting twist as to why their request is what it is, as if I am to feel pity or sorry for them. I guess today will be today and tomorrow will be a whole new day or at least that is what I make my mind believe. Today I got enraged, tomorrow, I will not (hopefully). I know they will ask me to do more or do it differently, I will smile with my teeth grinding. I wish I could hide the fire in my eyes, but I know I can't. I have tried to hide it from Tex and he knows, but then again Tex knows even if I am not in the same room if I am enraged.

Life is changing as we know it. I do still go to my magical place where no one asks anything from me. But I still wish there was a magical button for people like Dragon Lady and some other "very demanding" people. Like in the movie click, it would be ok to press pause, gather my thoughts and once my mind was caught up to speed, I could press play again and maybe every once in a while smack someone on the back of their head without them knowing. But I guess this magical button will only exist in my fantasy land, so for now I will grit my teeth and at least try to tame the fire in my eyes so it is only noticable to myself!


Ally Bean said...

i know what you mean about wanting a magical button for demanding people. i always liked Piper on Charmed because she could vanquish evil and *poof* it all burned up. that's the "button" I want.

Buttercup said...

Ally Bean, I know exactly what you mean. Charmed has been one of my favorite shows for years. I often wish I had Prue's telekinetic powers. That would be awesome.