Friends At Work

I am absolutely, ecstatically delighted because another part of my master plan just clicked in to place. One of my close friends, Essa, who suffered through with me working at my old firm, The Law Firm From Hell, just started working at my new firm! I'm so excited for her that she no longer has to subject herself to that toxic, dismal, soul-crushing environment, and I'm so excited for me because now I have yet another one of my closest friends working with me! Yay!

I love, love, love my new law firm. Eight months in to it and I LOVE IT. Quite a difference from my last firm where, on the first day, I felt as if a piece of me had started to die a slow, miserable, suffocating death. Now, I am literally filled with warm, fuzzy gratitude to my new firm on a regular basis. They saved me from the Law Firm From Hell, they are normal, wonderful human beings, and they have allowed me to work with some of my closest friends. First there was Em, then there was getting to know all of the other awesome associates who work here, and now Essa has joined the crew.

Seriously, what could be better than coming in to work every day and working with your friends? Ok, maybe having a spa vacation with all of your friends would be better than working. But, short of a vacation, working with your friends in a positive environment, in a place where you genuinely feel happy to come to work every day, pretty much takes the cake in terms of a daily working existence.

I'm so happy and grateful at the moment, I'm moved to say: If you are in an unhappy place, get out. CHANGE THINGS. They can be better. A lot better. You won't regret it.

Drafting Doldrums

I really quite desperately want to sleep.

Unfortunately, I have a rather gigantic assignment due that is taking literally forever. It's 9:00 pm and I'm stuck in the office and probably will not be able to go home for a while. Boo. As I have nothing substantive or interesting to say, I guess the point of this post is to whine. *frowning* This is the first OBIM day that I've had in a long, long time.

Which reminds me, it's actually Tuesday! Which is both good and bad. Good, because I'm that much closer to the end of the week and my coveted weekend. Bad, because I have a boatload of work to do and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I'm also supposed to go on a date tomorrow night with the Masked Priest, but it's unclear at this juncture how that's going to happen.

Help.

I'll leave you with a funny tidbit: The other day, I heard someone describe a person as ineffective by calling them a "one-armed coat hanger." Hilarious. Come to think of it, I kind of feel like a one-armed coat hanger right now.

Date Update: The Masked Priest just called and for the third time in a row he did something that left me feeling pleasantly surprised. How delightful. He called with an idea for a bar to meet at tomorrow night which was midway between both of us in a cool area. Then, during the conversation when I was saying that I might have to meet up a bit later because of work, he suggested that we meet for dinner instead (because I would not have been able to eat by then). He even had a restaurant suggestion. He listened, thought of me, and suggested something that would make my life more pleasant. He's confident, has back-up plans, and fun ideas. Remarkable. Wow. I kind of feel like a one-and-a-half armed coat hanger now. Once again I'm left with the impression that this guy might be kind of cool. Despite my work, I'm looking forward to dinner tomorrow.

Procrastination Sex Break

Ever since the Black Dress Revelation, I had been doing quite well in terms of feeling balanced. In the last two days there was a slight dip, not in my mood, but in my habits as a result of some work stress. I have a big project due and it's taking a lot of time and instead of working on it throughout the weekend, I procrastinated. Procrastinating is the worst. But, it's almost as bad to force yourself to do something you don't want to do in the middle of the weekend; hence the problem. I've been chewing so much gum that my jaw hurts.

In a break from working, I watched Episode 6 of "Tell Me You Love Me." Dude. I think that's possibly the most blatant sex I've ever seen, short of watching myself in a mirror. I don't even know how they film that without having sex. I'm talking specifically about Jamie and the Hot Guy from Lost (Shannon's Brother). Not only did we see a full frontal semi-open shot of her - which was frankly a little more information than I needed - we saw his ass and what may or may not have been the base of his actual penis between their entwined legs. I'm kind of shocked, but also fascinated.

In addition to sex, "Tell Me You Love Me" has been boob-crazy of late. I've seen so much of the Woman-Who-Can't-Get-Pregnant's boobs that, today, when she made love to Pollack with her sweater on, it felt like a nice change to see her covered up. Her boobs are kind of amazing. So big and mushable. It must feel different to guys (or girls) when they embrace someone with large pillowy boobs versus little boobs. Do they notice? Oddly though, during the sex scenes with Women-Who-Can't-Get-Pregnant, I felt like her boobs looked a bit uncomfortable. They were getting seriously smashed. It made me afraid that they were going to pop.

Finally, there was the 60-year old therapist and her husband getting it on in front of the fire place with a nice bottle of red wine. Those people know how to set the mood apparently, and our Miss-Sixty-Thang looked like she had a fantastic orgasm. It's a little weird to see older people having sex, but I think it's wonderful. We should have more models like that. One more thing to counter our toxic-youth-obsessed culture.

Filing

I just spent the last 14 hours of my life focused on one single goal: To revise and file a brief electronically on the United States electronic filing system. One would think that electronic filing would be simple and user-friendly. It’s not.

Things I did not do today: work out, make my own coffee, overeat, talk to anyone outside of work.

Mood: Quite good but tired, and slightly stressed.

Stuck In A Rabbit Hole

In the saga of my life, the last two weeks will hereafter be known as the Digital Ash In Underground weeks, because I've been listening to the Bright Eyes album, Digital Ash In a Digital Urn in a constant mini-loop. I've been jumping over the first three songs, mainly because "Arc of Time" is so upbeat it's distracting.

I've been starting my loop with "Down in a Rabbit Hole." It's dark, intense, and kind of sad and the perfect backdrop against which to make scads of tables and charts. The lyrics start with, "I heard you fell into a rabbit hole, covered yourself up in snow. Baby, tell me where'd you go for days and days? Do they make you stay up all night? Did they paint your face that pasty white?" Lyrics are very important to me, almost more important than the actual sound of a song. This song has been speaking to me, because that's how I feel, like I've fallen into a rabbit hole for days and days.

It's dark and cramped in the rabbit hole and there's only room for a few things including work and the pro-bono work I've been doing for my two young friends. The rabbit hole is deep and it's hard to climb out of it. Instead, I've used any down time in the rabbit hole to fatten myself up on candy, yogurt covered pretzels, and disgusting quantities of junk food, as if there was a siege coming on that I had to be prepared for. Anxiety is like that, it fills you with fear about what is to come, and makes it very difficult to exist in the present. Anxiety in a dark, super intense rabbit hole is even worse because there's no counter-balancing influences. A few of my friends and family have tried to call, but it's been too much effort to stop what I've been doing and to reach out to them from the depths of the hole.

Not that this is necessarily bad. It's definitely not like when I was working at my old firm, and instead of rabbit holes I was constantly adrift in a toxic, putrid sea of despair and frustration. Here, the rabbit hole is not the product of evil. It's just a place I've fallen in to while trying to get everything done that I need to (with the exception of the ridiculous jaunt to Fire Island which only worsened things by making me hungover, sick, and so tired).

I'd prefer not to have to sequester myself in rabbit holes when in super-stress mode. I'd prefer to be able to take breaks, do yoga, and eat healthfully, while working around the clock. But, that's so hard for me right now. It's been hard for me for a while. It's so hard when I'm in the middle of a mountain of work to force myself to take time to relax. It's actually basically impossible.

I think it's one of the reasons I've been eating more than usual. I think I've been using food to force myself to relax. I think I've been using it as a coping mechanism to sooth my anxiety. Do any of you do that? I've been toying with this idea for a while, but the more I think about it the more I think there's some truth there. For example, during the past two weeks, other than my brief, drunken jaunt to Fire Island, I've taken no time away from work and I've been working very late, and I've had almost no time at all where I felt genuinely relaxed (I also wasn't relaxed in Fire Island, just inebriated).

For most of the two weeks, I've been a ball of anxiety. It's been hard to get to sleep. I've had intense dreams and have had to rely on sleeping pills to get my mind to quiet down. I've been going at this constant level of intensity, and again, it's not bad, I don't feel at any kind of breaking point, but I do feel kind of exhausted. And, I'm just realizing how difficult it is for me to relax in the midst of all of these demands. It's hard to relaxed when immersed in a rabbit hole. Particularly, when teenagers are depending on me, and when I don't have a bath-tub.

I leave for California tomorrow and will have an intense 5 days of work there. I'm taking the red eye back in the middle of the week and am already internally cringing at the amount of sleep I won't get that night. Thursday and Friday will be rough, mainly because I'll be sleep deprived and I might have to play catch-up at work.

However, next weekend, things should be better. By next weekend, my two young friends will be resettled, Sven will be gone, Rumi will be back, and a series of deadlines in my cases will have passed. I can't wait. I just want to relax.

But, I want to really relax (like I was supposed to be doing right now in Detroit). I want to run and be healthy and enjoy my time sitting still. I'm so sick of going, going, going until I have to drug myself to shut down. That's the dark side of the rabbit hole. I'm thinking of cutting out caffeine and alcohol, starting a gratitude journal and fasting. My friend Simone said I am capable of change and that it is only me who is holding me back (I thought that was slightly unnecessary, though true).

Ok, I've got to go jump back down into the hole. When I poke my head out next, I would be very interested to see if anyone has any non-drug and non-food related ideas for how one can force oneself to relax in the midst of work-related anxiety and stress. Please don't say meditation. There's no where to sit comfortably down here.

Hoping

I'm neglecting my friends. I haven't seen Pele for weeks, haven't written Lakshmi back, and haven't gone climbing with Sage.

I'm neglecting my family. I've only had snippets of conversation with my mom, and when I did I didn't even thank her for the sweet note she sent me a few days ago. At least I remembered to call Bean on her birthday.

I'm neglecting my whole health-kick. Whatever.

I'm neglecting dating. Ditto.

I'm neglecting my blog and my blog friends, but I trust you will understand.

Two young people need me right now, and I'm doing my best to be there for them. They're moving away and I'm going to miss them far more than I can put into words. They are extraordinary and they deserve to have a normal life, but that's all they want. They want a normal life free of abuse, where they can have a place to live, the opportunity to pursue an education, and the ability to work.

It's not much to ask for, and it oftentimes makes my chest hurt that I can't do more for them than I'm doing, that I can't magically fix everything that they need fixed.

One of my favorite things is making them laugh. I don't care if I'm being silly and they're laughing at my silliness. I don't care at all if they're laughing at me. Seeing them smile and laugh until their stomachs hurt, for a few minutes their faces free of the usual clouds of worry, fills me with a sense of perfect contentment, and a deep conviction that if nothing else, with respect to them, I've actually done something in my life. I've done something good. I've made a contribution.

But, it's the kind of contribution that doesn't come to an end at a finite moment in time, something that I've come to realize many people do not understand (including many people who work in the dark underbelly of the non-profit world). It's like that with human lives. You can't just pick one up, fix a part of it, and then drop it back into the ether to fend for itself. Helping has responsibilities when you're dealing with a human life.

I have that sense of responsibility and I am not burdened by it. What they have brought in to my life in terms of meaning, purpose, and happiness is as great or greater than anything I've been able to give them. If you knew them, you would feel the same.

I just want them to be OK. And, for right now, that's all I can think about.

Slightly Envious of Sleeping Beauty

How quickly things change: Three weeks ago my biggest obsessions of the moment were random boys that I was sort of dating and the whole nutritionist-weight-loss-rebellion debacle. For the last two weeks, work has eclipsed all of that. I find myself longing for the days when I had nothing more than food and boys to plague my dreams.

I still like my new job about 10,000 times better than my old job, and it is rewarding enough and the late nights are relatively infrequent enough to make it worth it for now. But, be that as it may, I have been getting killed at work. My sleep is suffering, and when my sleep suffers, I suffer. My little jaunt to Fire Island and the world of everlasting college-dom, drinking games, and raucous partying did not help matters. And, I just found out yesterday - 6 hours after booking a flight to visit my friend Wood over Labor Day weekend - that I have to fly to California this weekend for work instead. I was so looking forward to chilling in D-Town with Wood and her family, but alas, no break for me at the moment.

Despite the busy work schedule, I'm squeezing in another match.com date tomorrow evening. My first match.com date went remarkably well. The guy was friendly, fun, and entertaining. We talked a lot about music and shows and very little about work - amazing as we're both corporate lawyers and work's often all corporate lawyers have to talk about. He also taught me two random things, one of which was that the northern part of Texas is called "the panhandle" because it looks like a Panhandle!! Who knew! I can't remember the other random thing, but it was interesting at the time.

A funny thing happened on the way to the bathroom when I was crossing a stretch of heavily polished floor, thankfully out of sight of our table: I totally bit it. My heel slid on the glossy floor and I landed flat on my back in the middle of the hotel lobby (we had met at a hotel bar for drinks) surrounded by a crowd of milling gawkers, none of whom offered me their hand. I'd had three drinks so it was no easy matter rebalancing myself and getting back up on the slick surface. Yikes. I was still laughing about it by the time I got back to our table.

Tomorrow night, I'm meeting another guy from match.com for a drink after work at a place near where we both work. He sounds smart, interesting, and relatively normal. He's also bi-cultural (one European and one American parent - like me!) and 6' 4". Very nice. Overall he seems like a nice guy, so I'm almost - but not quite - looking forward to it. One can't get too crazy about these things, as I learned several weeks ago when one of the match.com boys cancelled on me 4 hours before the date! Hmph.

I'm headed to bed now to get my beauty sleep, and I'm crossing my fingers that work goes relatively smoothly tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel like I need a vacation!

Line Crossing

I've been dealing with an emergency on one of my pro bono cases since Friday, and also trying to take care of all of my other work, so I haven't had much of a chance to write. After a very stressful weekend, I feel more hopeful today about my case.

Pro bono cases are challenging for many reasons, not the least of which is that lines often end up getting crossed. Your work as a lawyer melds into that of a counselor, a big sister, and a friend, and back again. People tell you not to cross those lines. They tell you that getting emotional could negatively affect your clients by influencing your ability to be objective. Other people tell you that your line crossing has saved the lives of your clients, and encourage your passion and commitment. Everyone has an opinion about how you should act and what you're doing wrong. Some have praise for what you're doing right.

So, what do you do? You keep focused on the best interests of your clients and you try to do what's right. When they come into the office for meetings, you feed them. When they call feeling hopeless, you listen and try to remind them that they are not alone. When they need support, you provide it to them.

You do it because it's the best thing for your case, because even the most successful legal action is worthless without a client around to benefit from its success. You do it because you care, and because not doing anything when you see someone in so much need is impossible. You also do it because if you didn't, no one else would.

At least that's why I do it. The Evil Empire doesn't scare me. I just wish it didn't make things so challenging for me and my clients sometimes.

My New View

Diving Back In?

The moment of truth has arrived. After 9 relatively blissful weeks away from Corporate America, tomorrow I'm throwing myself back into the fire pit. I'm nervous. Not about the people or the work, because I think the people will actually turn out to be quite nice and the work should be far more interesting and engaging then the work at my previous firm.

What I'm nervous about, perhaps irrationally but I think understandably, is finding myself back in the type of toxic, soul destroying environment that caused me to leave my last firm. The fear is irrational because I did my research on this new firm and everything I know about it leads me to believe that it will be a million times better than my old firm on just about every level. For example, my last firm expected associates to be at their beck and call around the clock. At the new place, most people leave by 7 pm each night, and almost no one works on the weekends.

But, it's still a law firm, and I'm still going to be doing work that's not my true passion. I worry - despite my strong conviction that worrying is absolutely pointless - that the new place won't be different enough, that in starting this job I'm putting myself back in a situation that will wear down my spirit and lead me to become despondent and depressed once again.

Even as I write this, I know that my concerns are unfounded because I would never again allow myself to get to the place that I was a year or six months ago. I'd see the warning signs - both in my professional and personal life - and this time I would get out long before my spirit was crushed into the ground and ripped into a thousand tiny pieces. I'm confident in my strength and in the lessons that I learned during the last year.

Despite my concerns, I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude and hoping for the best. I would like to believe that I could actually enjoy this new job, and I'm excited about starting my new life free of all of the negativity of the past. However, having been ripped apart once, I think it makes sense that I would feel cautious about starting something new. The new firm doesn't appear to be run by demons with steel tipped talons, but I really won't know until after I've begun working there.

Either way, demons or not, I know it's going to be OK. I survived an incredibly toxic work situation and a destructive relationship at the same time. This time around, there's no relationship negativity to wear me down, and there's no way that any work situation (short of digging trenches in India in the summer) could be as bad as the one I had working for Dragon Lady. So, really, there is nothing to worry about. If it turns out to be horrible, I'll leave. I've done it once and I can do it again. But, hopefully I won't have to.

Photo: Demons trying to distract the Buddha, painted on a temple wall in Darjeeling.

Christmas In March

After a long time, the day I've been waiting for is here. It's my last day at my firm. After today, I will never ever have to go back to that dreaded place. It feels like Christmas. I'm happy, excited, and hopeful. I still have to finish cleaning out my office so I can't write more about the significance of all of this now, but I thought I'd share with you the dream I had last night. What do you make of it?

I'm in the kitchen of a large house situated on a hill next to a large scary wooded area. I'm standing around the center island talking with two of my girlfriends when we hear a noise outside. My friends think it's nothing, but I start running around checking all of the locks on the doors and windows. I'm terrified, but my friends don't fully understand why I'm scared.

Suddenly, men dressed as soldiers armed with long knives enter the kitchen. It's unclear if my friends can see them, but I can. They're ghosts or people from another time who have come out of the woods. They start threatening me and it's clear that they could kill all of us. I start screaming at the soldiers to go away and my friends look at me like I'm losing my marbles. I'm scared that the soldiers are going to hurt them or me. One of the soldiers pick up a bowl (and my friends are shocked to see the bowl appear to move through the air on its own) and another cuts the table with his knife, demonstrating that even if they are ghosts they can inflict wounds. Finally, they leave, and I think we're safe for the moment.

Later, my brother Frey arrives. I tell him to avoid the woods but of course he ignores my warnings. I'm outside and I look towards the woods and I see Frey going into them. Down ahead on the path that he's walking on, I see a pretty woman dressed in a nurse's outfit. She looks like she's in distress but I know she's just a trap. The soldiers are trying to lure him into the woods.

I start running towards the woods, and as I get closer I see that a group of soldiers are surrounding Frey. One of them has a bomb and is going to kill him, as other soldiers look on. They're confident and they don't notice me. Just outside the circle of men, I see Dragon Lady looking on, doing nothing to stop the soldiers. She's with them!

I think quickly, grab some candy, and run straight into the group of men and approach the soldier holding the bomb. I flirt madly, offer him candy, bite into a piece of candy seductively and then make him take a bite. The distraction works. While the men are looking at me, Frey gets free, somehow gets a weapon, and starts killing all of the attackers. He kills the soldiers and I think also Dragon Lady. It's over. I don't have to be afraid anymore.

After the battle, Frey and I are telling our friends what happened and I say that I saved his life. He immediately denies that I saved his life and says that he was the one who saved us. He says he would have been fine even if I hadn't created the distraction. I look at him and I know that he knows that I saved him and that he's grateful for what I did, and that's enough for me.

The End.

Give Me A "P"

"I have nothing to say of my working life, only that a tie is a noose, and inverted though it is, it will hang a man nonetheless if he's not careful." - Yann Martel, Life of Pi

I can't believe this day has come, but it's here and I'm incandescently happy. Today is the last Monday ever that I will spend at my firm. I have only 5 more days and then I will be free for two whole months!!! All I have to do this week is clean out my office, send files to where they need to go, and trash everything else. The joy I feel at tossing red welds into the recycling bin is indescribable.

I'm almost done!!! I can't believe it. Soon, this whole experience will be a distant blurry spot of grey on my personal time line.

Did I mention that I'm going to be off for two whole months? Bean's baby is set to come smack in the middle of my time off, so planning is a little tricky. I'm planning to stay relatively close by until the baby is born, and may go on a short trip to a yoga/spa retreat. There seem to be a number of them in Mexico that look pretty awesome. I'm going to check out Yoga Journal for ideas later this afternoon. For anyone looking for something like that in Thailand, you should check out Sanctuary. I stayed there for a blissful week last year and had an incredibly relaxing experience. After the baby's born, I'm going somewhere farther afield, most likely to South Asia.

Do y'all have any ideas, suggestions, or experiences with yoga/spa retreats? In the U.S. or elsewhere? I'm looking to rejuvenate, destress, detoxify, and mostly, to CHILL OUT.

Personal Legend

I recently started reading The Alchemist, a book that teaches that each one of us has our own Personal Legend that it is our destiny to fulfill. The book tells the story of a young shepherd who is visited by a King who tells him this secret and inspires him to leave his sheep and set out for the Pyramids of Egypt in search of his Personal Legend. The King tells the shepherd that when we pursue our Personal Legend all of the universe conspires to help us achieve it. I love the idea of the whole universe conspiring to help us along our destined path.

At one point in the story, the shepherd appears to have fallen off course from pursuing his Personal Legend. Immediately after arriving in Africa, after a two-hour journey from his home in Andalusia, the shepherd is robbed of all his money and then learns that though he has reached Africa he still must cross an entire desert to reach Egypt. Having no money to buy his passage back home, the shepherd gets a job working for a crystal merchant. He works hard and saves his money, but is told that even if he worked for years he would still not have enough money to get to Egypt. With his dream seeming so far off in the distance, the shepherd begins focusing on a different goal, to return to his homeland a successful man with money enough to buy double the amount of sheep he once owned.

After a year, the shepherd is ready to leave the crystal merchant's shop, and he's about to start his journey back home when he thinks to himself that he could always go back to being a shepherd, but he might never have another chance to get to the Pyramids of Egypt. Thinking about how far away he still is from the Pyramids of Egypt, the shepherd realizes "that there was another way to regard his situation: he was actually two hours closer to his treasure . . . the fact that the two hours had stretched into an entire year didn't matter."

This is certainly an appropriate time for me to be reading this book. I don't know if I'm pursuing my Personal Legend by leaving my job, and I worry that the direction I'm going - to another firm - might be a detour off of the path that I'm "supposed" to be taking. I'm afraid that like the shepherd in his time of uncertainty I might have got thrown off course. But another message of the book seems to be that even detours and obstacles may bring you closer to your Personal Legend. The author writes that whatever detours and adjustments the caravan moving through the desert makes - a metaphor for one's search for his or her Personal Legend - it continues to move to the same compass point. Meaning that whatever directions we take in our life - even a seeming detour - our life's path will ultimately still take us towards the fulfillment of our Personal Legend.

Right now, I feel a little like the shepherd after his year of working for the crystal merchant. He worked for the crystal shop for a year and I've worked for my firm for two and a half years. All though all of that time has passed, I've travelled only a small distance. I'm still far away from attaining my Personal Legend. On the other hand, though I'm still far away, I would like to believe that I'm at least a little bit closer.

29 Months

After 29 months, two days, six hours, and 24 minutes, I finally...

GAVE MY NOTICE!!!!!!!!

When my new firm called to tell me that I had passed the administrative check, I was so excited I started jumping around in my bathroom. Then, ten minutes later, while I walked to the subway in the freezing cold, I suddenly felt nauseous from nerves and fear. What would I do with all of that free time after giving notice? How could I be taking almost two months off? How could I not be making any money during that time? Could I give notice on a Wednesday, or did it have to happen on a Friday?

Em assured me that I could give notice whenever I felt like it, and then suddenly I felt nauseous for completely different reasons. What would happen when I told them? How would the react? I sat down at my desk, after arriving late, and thankfully Essa called with news of her own and we decided to meet immediately for coffee and an impromptu pow-wow. She's thinking of leaving too! Yay! With her help I rehearsed what I was going to say, fortified myself with a cup of coffee, and then went back inside.

Giving my notice was way easier than I had anticipated it being. It turns out that once you say that you're leaving all is forgiven. All. Is. Forgiven. (All of you peeps at law firms thinking about leaving, keep this in mind). Everyone had such wonderful things to say about me now that I was leaving. The moment was "bittersweet" (for them). It actually was touching. I said goodbye to several partners that I had genuinely enjoyed working with and I told them so. They shared similar sentiments and wished me well. I was elated and I felt like I was going to burst. Suddenly, it dawned on me. This was real. I was going to be FREE!!!!!!

In other news, Tapas Boy called and we went out for celebratory drinks tonight. It was super fun. I've decided I love raspberry mojitos.

I have exactly 7 more days until I'm free for good. I can not believe it. I seriously doubted that this day would come. I feel like I've fallen through a rabbit hole and discovered this bizarre world where people can actually be happy.

It's disconcerting, but I'm ecstatic.

Feeling Weighty

I've been feeling fat for days, noticing how my stomach was stretching against my jeans in new and unexciting ways, resolving to eat healthy, but then finding myself at the vending machine almost every day last week. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm anxious. And I eat when I'm bored. My working environment does not lend itself to supporting healthy eating habits, and it's taken a toll on my mental and physical health. Not that I don't take responsibility for walking myself to the vending machine, because I do.

Today, I bought a new scale. The girl who I sublet this place from had left behind a scale and I had been using that for the last three months. I had been pleasantly surprised at first that the scale appeared to show that I weighed about what I'm supposed to at a healthy weight, 130 lbs. Really, just between me and you, I prefer to weight 126 or 128. When I'm 126 without muscle, it's a little too skinny, but 128 is perfect. Anyway, back in December the scale was showing around 130 lbs and I was elated because I thought it was impressive how my weight was staying the same even though I had been drinking like a fish, snacking on chocolate, and not going to the gym. I thought my body was doing an excellent job metabolizing all my stress induced excesses.

During the last month, my habits have continued to be bad. I've gone to the gym a handful of times, I've eaten healthy a few days, but for the most part, I've been living an unhealthy lifestyle. Not enough sleep, too much chocolate, pasta, and dinners at my desk, and hardly any exercise. Yet, the scale continued to register 130 lbs.

After this week of candy bars, I finally was suspicious enough to purchase a new scale. It's a sleek see-through glass model that also measures my body weight index. Do you know how much it said that I way? 134.6 pounds. And that was after just going to the bathroom.

I now have definitive proof that I've put on at least 5 pounds in the last three months. This is not good. Not good at all. And, I know it's because of everything, but I'm tired of blaming things on everything. Things are changing, I'm happy about my new job, I should be back to being healthy. But, instead, I'm filled with anxiety. I'm worried about when my conflicts check with go through. I'm stressed about when I'll be able to give notice. I'm worried about the timing of my vacation and whether Bean is going to give birth right in the middle of the time I'm taking off. I want a break, but I want to be there for her and my nephew. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I'm so burnt out I need a break. I'm not relaxed, I'm not coasting... I'm on edge.

And, now, I also feel fat. I hate that. I want to be tight and lean. I want to be strong. I don't want junk in my trunk and I do not want to jiggle. I most certainly do not want cellulite. I like it when I don't have extra layers on my body.

I always feel the most put together during those times.

My Firm Is The Matrix

There are many times, during the past 29 months, one day, six hours, and 8 minutes, when I've compared my firm, in my mind, to the Matrix and wondered when I was going to finally choose to unplug myself. The biggest difference between my firm and the Matrix is that in the Matrix everyone who's plugged-in imagines that they are in a happy, pleasant, worthwhile place, whereas I never felt that way at my firm. I've always been more like Keanu was just after unplugging himself - aware that I was in a hell in which all of the appearances of pleasantry were artificial creations designed to keep me chained and immobilized in mind and body.

Not that I was completely aware of how hellish everything was from the beginning. I, too, had to go through a gradual process of awakening. And, after awakening, I had to go through another process to get me to the point where I was ready to unplug myself completely.

Now, I'm there. My mind's clear and I'm ready to unplug my body, but I can't yet. I'm waiting for my conflicts check for my new firm to clear, and there's no certainty as to how long that will take. It could take a few days, or it could take a couple of weeks. It's totally unpredictable. And until my conflicts check clears - confirming that my offer at my new firm is official - I can't give my two weeks notice, let alone plan my trips to Utah and India. I mean, technically I could, but it wouldn't be a smart move to tell my firm goodbye without having some assurance that I definitely had a job at my new firm.

So, where does that leave me? Floating around in the water, looking at everyone else still plugged into the Matrix - as if they were alien lifeforms from a strange planet, feeling elated that I'm no longer one of them, but frustrated that I have to continue to walk among them. I even have to continue taking assignments, and worse yet, I have to act like I care!

Take yesterday morning. The assigning partner called me up and told me that I had been placed on a new case and that I should call Partner T. When I spoke with Partner T, I was quick to say that I had a project I needed to work on through the end of Friday and asked if that was a problem (My point was that I would not be free to work on Partner T's project until Monday, after the weekend). He said it wasn't a problem. He then gave me a number of things to read, including 10-Ks, offering memoranda, and other financial materials on a number of companies - incredibly long, boring, dry materials - told me to review it, and then said that we would meet Monday morning so that I could tell him what I had found out.

Um, hello? Monday? Morning? Sitting in front of Partner T, it was obvious to me that the only way that I would be ready to talk about the materials on Monday was if I read them over the weekend. It was equally obvious that that fact was also obvious to Partner T, and that saying "I have plans this weekend," was going to get me nowhere. You see, Partner T is used to dealing with associates who say "yes" all the time, who assume that they are going to work on the weekends, who don't stand up for themselves when partners treat them like crap, who act in accordance with how my firm wants associates to act.

If I had said to Partner T that I couldn't work on his project because I had plans on the weekend, I'm quite sure that he would have looked at me liked I had two heads. No one says such things in the Matrix. What he doesn't understand is that he is the strange one, not me. I can't wait to get out of here!

I've Stopped Drinking The Kool-Aid

I just accepted my offer for employment with Bachelor #5! Although I had basically made up my mind last Friday, after meeting with Bachelor #1, I went out last night for drinks with all of the associates at Bachelor #5 for a last test of the waters. The whole group was awesome. I had so much fun, and the evening confirmed that I was making the right decision. I seriously can not believe that such a normal, cool group of people are lawyers!

Before I get too excited (which I already am), I have to take care of a number of administrative things. My offer is contingent upon a reference and conflicts check (conflicts occur if I worked on a case that my new firm is also working on, basically). Once all of the administrative stuff is taken care of, I'll finally be in a position to give notice!!!! I can hardly stand the anticipation. If all goes well, it shouldn't be much longer before that happy day is upon me.

Why DL Is Going To Come Back As A Cockroach (No Offense Roaches)

The evil Dragon Lady has struck again. I had my review today, and suffice it to say it was not exactly stellar. Which is incredibly aggravating because I'm actually quite stellar. My review included a single-spaced dissertation written by DL where she, somewhat incomprehensibly detailed all of my alleged faults, including that I am a picker and a chooser. I was told that everyone thinks I'm exceptionally talented, smart, creative, and an excellent writer and communicator, etc., but that I appear to have a lack of dedication and interest in the firm and that I'm not dependable.

Ouch. Other that the "exceptionally talented, smart, and creative," and "excellent writer and communicator" parts, I disagree with pretty much all of their other characterizations.

By "not dependable," they mean that I don't ask "how high," when they tell me to jump. Instead, I explain what else I'm jumping over and why I can't jump at that precise moment for them too, but that I would be happy to jump for them as soon as my current project is over. A dependable associate, on the other hand, always says yes, never turns down an assignment, is always willing to stay late and work weekends, and has no problem cheerfully and repeatedly sacrificing his life to the demands of the firm. They don't like when associates talk back to them.

By "lack of interest and dedication," they mean that I don't enthusiastically agree to take on every assignment they want to give me, that I push back when I feel that my plate is full enough, and that I don't kiss ass while I'm saying no. They have never cared how full I think my plate is. They only care about whether I'm saying yes, showing proper enthusiasm, and how many hours I'm churning out. I'm sorry, but if someone gives me an assignment and tells me I have to work the whole weekend, I'm not going to be enthusiastic about it. An interested and dedicated associate, on the other hand, would enthusiastically say yes every time, even while fried from lack of sleep, fighting with his girlfriend because he had to break another dinner date, and gaunt and pasty white from lack of fresh air, a healthy diet, and exercise. I'm not that associate.

The "picker-chooser" allegation - for which DL is the source - really pisses me off, but it's also kind of hilarious given the circumstances. If I was a picker and a chooser, about the last thing I would have done was to be assigned to a single, highly leveraged case that would take up over 2 years of my life. I also most certainly would never have picked to work with DL. Again, this is also a veiled way of saying that I should say "yes" all the time. Their view is that when I say "no," I'm trying to manage my caseload so that I only get choice assignments. The thing they don't quite understand is that I haven't been on any choice assignments!

Despite the inevitable rejoinder, "life isn't fair," I still feel that this review was not fair. It's not fair that I got put on one gigantic case at this firm, it's not fair that I was forced to work almost exclusively with DL for the last year, it's not fair that I had to fight my firm to allow me to represent pro bono clients that they had encouraged me to take on (that had no one else to fight for them), and it's not fair that I gave so much of myself to this place for so little in return.

But where does saying it's not fair get me? Not very far. Though I'm livid at my firm and at least a little bit resentful about the injustice of it all (especially the fact that DL sold me down the river despite all of the hours of my life that she made utterly miserable), had I the opportunity to do it all over, I don't think I would have done it differently. In the past two and a half years, I learned invaluable lessons about myself, and I was given the opportunity to profoundly affect six people's lives for the better. Maybe my pro bono clients would have found other representation and maybe their cases would have been successful without me? It's possible, but I don't know that. All I know is that for some reason I came to this firm, lasted far longer than I ever thought I would have lasted, made the absolute best out of an incredibly difficult situation, and in the course of doing so, despite my firm, I did good work.

If they want to call me a picker and a chooser and cast aspersions on my sense of dedication, interest, and dependability because of my commitment to do good work, both for my paying and pro bono clients, fine. There are worse things in life, and what they don't know yet is that I'm soon going to be out of here. It took an enormous amount of self-restraint not to quit during my review. It may happen on Friday, it may happen next week, but it's going to happen soon.

And when it does, I've decided that I'm not going to tell DL in person that I'm leaving. She doesn't deserve one more ounce of my time, energy, or respect. I shudder to imagine what her next life is going to be like.

We Settled!!!

I'm pretty tired right now so can't fill you all in on the whole story, but suffice it to say that after two years of fighting, we finally settled my client's contested divorce case. Woohoo! It took almost 8 hours of back and forth informal conferences and hearings before the Judge, but we finally reached a mutually satisfying agreement. Actually, I should say mutually "unsatisfying" because I don't think either side was happy; however, they both reached a place that they were comfortable with under the circumstances. Christ, I never want to go through a divorce. What a freaking nightmare. It's enough to make you want to draw up a pre-nup, just so you don't have to deal with a messy circus in the event that things sour. I know that's not terribly romantic, but it's practical.

So, unbelievably, the case that would not end has finally reached a conclusion. Yesterday evening, after it was all done and we were on our way to take our client out to a celebratory dinner, I felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted off of me. This was a big source of stress that has finally been cleared off of my plate. Yay!!!! I'm so relieved, I'm happy for my client to finally be able to put this chapter behind her, and I'm also happy for me because, other than finalizing the judgment and taking care of some administrative details, it's all over!!

I also made progress on the job front. This afternoon, I went on a follow-up interview with Bachelor #1. I met two more associates and then spoke with the hiring partner, an awesome guy. I don't know why, but shortly arriving at their offices, something inside of me started telling me that they weren't right for me. I don't know if it was the hideous ID picture the building took of me on my first visit, and which they insisted upon using on all of my subsequent visits, or the fact that their building overlooks EXBF's offices and shares a subway stop with them, or the fact that everyone treated me slightly oddly because they knew about my mugging, but for some reason going into the interviews I already knew in my gut what my decision was going to be. Meeting the associates only confirmed what I already knew. They were nice enough, but nothing special, and though their firm is better in terms of lifestyle than my current firm, they still had a bit too much of a big-firm feel. Even though their hours aren't that high, it still felt a little too much like a machine. I found myself thinking fondly of Bachelor #5's offices, which only have about 20 attorneys in their NY office.

Both firms are basically evenly matched in terms of prestige, people, and type of work. However, at Bachelor #1, I'd have to do almost exclusively white collar work for at least one year. At Bachelor #5, I'd do some white collar, but would also be able to do a few other types of assignments almost immediately. #1 has approximately 60 attorneys in their office and, as I mentioned, #5 has only 20 - a fact that gives their offices a nice feel. I feel like I would get a lot of responsibility at #5, would not be able to hide or slip through any cracks, and I'd also get taken care of in terms of mentoring, assignments, and the ability to develop professional relationships. Plus, the main partner that I'd be working with at #5 seems like an incredibly cool guy who understands the meaning of having a life. He has a wife and a child, coaches soccer, and is signing up to coach little league. If your partner is coaching little league, you know you're life can't be that bad.

The biggest factor weighing in favor of #5 is that my friend Em just started working there, and it would be awesome to continue working in the same office as her. We're a great team, and it's always a plus to have a friend in your workplace. She's also been able to give me the inside scoop, since she started working there last week, and so far every thing I hear from her is basically positive. A few days ago we were talking and suddenly, at 6:20pm, she said, "Oh gosh, I gotta go. I have to get to the gym." Fantastic. Now that's the type of life I'm talking about.

This week was stressful and I had two minor meltdowns, one on Monday night and one last night, but tonight I feel hopeful and excited about the future. I am on the verge of making a HUGE change. Sometimes I get frustrated and am hard on myself for not having things together yet (i.e. not going to the gym regularly, not doing yoga, crying and being emotional with some frequency, though not a sixteenth as often as I used to in my past relationship - Yay!), but I can't do that to myself. I need to remember that I have made a lot of progress and once I get a new job which actually allows me to have a life, I think things are going to change dramatically. Bean said that to me last night and I think she's right.

I can not effing wait to get out of my firm. I'm starting to buzz with energy just thinking about it. I could give my notice next week. Do you understand how exciting this is?????

The other things that I'm excited about tonight are the following: (1) I sent out my laundry to get done for the first time ever, and am pretty much ecstatic that I don't have to do laundry this weekend; (2) I was good to myself and stayed in this evening, relaxed, and caught up on Grey's Anatomy (I cried), Lost (Bai Ling??), American Idol (go ladies), and Heroes (very cool); (3) I'm having an Oscar watching party this Sunday; and (4) I painted my toes and finger nails and they look delightful. I think I'm going to stay in more often on Friday nights. It's fun.

Fingers Crossed

I have a trial tomorrow; the third date for which the trial in my contested divorce case has been rescheduled (see here and here). Frankly, I would prefer if it were not happening tomorrow. I'm tired and sleepy, and once again find myself sitting in my office feeling unhealthy after ordering take-out and eating at my desk with a full night's work, and at least one stop at the vending machines, ahead of me. Is it so wrong that I want to be at the gym or at home reading "Prep," instead of in the office working on this never ending case?

While I've been prepping for trial today, I've received not one, not two, but three different email notifications - each one more nasty than the next - from three different people yelling at me for not having my hours up to date in our computer system. Never mind that I had some complications last week, and never mind that I have a trial this week, my hours must be entered so that the firm can bill, bill, bill! Nothing must come in the way of the firm and it's money. I get that they need me to enter my time in order to run an efficient business, but three emails in one day, after I responded promptly to the first one and they told me it was fine to get my hours in by tomorrow evening, is a tad excessive.

Also today, opposing counsel, who is a male, called me "dear" while attempting to get me to shut-up on a conference call today regarding his failed attempt to convince us to adjourn our trial. I told him, "I am not your 'dear.' Let's act with some professionalism." I'd like to be a duck and let these things slide off my back, but god did it make my blood boil. This is the second time that guy has acted completely condescending and unprofessionally towards me.

Despite these aggravations, I'm here, at my desk, plugging away. My client came to visit me today to do some last minute preparation. As she was leaving, she hugged me and sad, "I'm depending on you tomorrow." That's enough motivation for me.

Please let this thing finish tomorrow! And, pretty please make it end favorably for my client.