Friday, August 31, 2007

Hoping

I'm neglecting my friends. I haven't seen Pele for weeks, haven't written Lakshmi back, and haven't gone climbing with Sage.

I'm neglecting my family. I've only had snippets of conversation with my mom, and when I did I didn't even thank her for the sweet note she sent me a few days ago. At least I remembered to call Bean on her birthday.

I'm neglecting my whole health-kick. Whatever.

I'm neglecting dating. Ditto.

I'm neglecting my blog and my blog friends, but I trust you will understand.

Two young people need me right now, and I'm doing my best to be there for them. They're moving away and I'm going to miss them far more than I can put into words. They are extraordinary and they deserve to have a normal life, but that's all they want. They want a normal life free of abuse, where they can have a place to live, the opportunity to pursue an education, and the ability to work.

It's not much to ask for, and it oftentimes makes my chest hurt that I can't do more for them than I'm doing, that I can't magically fix everything that they need fixed.

One of my favorite things is making them laugh. I don't care if I'm being silly and they're laughing at my silliness. I don't care at all if they're laughing at me. Seeing them smile and laugh until their stomachs hurt, for a few minutes their faces free of the usual clouds of worry, fills me with a sense of perfect contentment, and a deep conviction that if nothing else, with respect to them, I've actually done something in my life. I've done something good. I've made a contribution.

But, it's the kind of contribution that doesn't come to an end at a finite moment in time, something that I've come to realize many people do not understand (including many people who work in the dark underbelly of the non-profit world). It's like that with human lives. You can't just pick one up, fix a part of it, and then drop it back into the ether to fend for itself. Helping has responsibilities when you're dealing with a human life.

I have that sense of responsibility and I am not burdened by it. What they have brought in to my life in terms of meaning, purpose, and happiness is as great or greater than anything I've been able to give them. If you knew them, you would feel the same.

I just want them to be OK. And, for right now, that's all I can think about.

8 comments:

gravelly said...

Hopefully your two friends will be fine and you all will be in touch forever. They are so blessed to have you working and rooting for them. Give them my best! Jag alskar dig, gorgeous!

wordnerd said...

Oh Buttercup...this is why I (and so many others) think so highly of you. These two girls are very lucky to have you in their lives. I know that you're doing everything you can to ensure their happiness and safety. We'll be around tomorrow, next week and even next month. Do what's important now and catch up later.

Best of luck...you are a real hero to me, my friend.

InterstellarLass said...

I'm sure they have a bright and shining future ahead of them, with many thanks to you. You've done a good thing by being a friend to those girls.

Starshine said...

If these two girls are the same ones you have written about before, I am so happy you are getting some quality time with them before they go. Even though they are moving, I trust that this move will give them the security they need to have a thriving future. Even though, you may feel like you are only in their lives for a short season, your influence will mark their lives for a lifetime in the most positive of ways. *love and hugs to you!*

Buttercup said...

I love how many of Wordnerd's comments to me start with "Oh, Buttercup..." :) I almost renamed the blog that prior to coming up with Tout de Suite Buttercup for that very reason.

Starshine, They are the same ones.

Lass and Gravelly, The thing that's eating me up is that I know this transition is going to be really difficult for them and there are no guarantees that they'll be ok. Check back with me in 2 years. If they're doing well then, I'll start breathing easier. How do parents stand worrying about their children???

wordnerd said...

that made me giggle!

Buttercup said...

And now you just made me smile. I love blogs.

Gypsy said...

I'm hoping for them, too.