Thursday, August 16, 2007

Issues Galore

BC: Hi, My name is Buttercup and this is not a cry for help.

Peanut Gallery: Hi Buttercup!

BC: Today, I went to an after-work cocktail event and I had two glasses of wine and lots of green jelly beans (they were free and lying around everywhere). Immediately after downing my second glass of wine, I jumped into a cab and headed uptown for therapy.

Peanut Gallery: Ohhh...

BC: I was buzzed which was bad enough, but what was even worse was that at the event I had played a game and won a huge bottle of organic vodka. It was organic! So, not only did I show up at therapy buzzed, but I was also carrying a large bottle of vodka with me. My therapist asked whether it was a cry for help.

Peanut Gallery: Was it?

BC: No! I told Therapist that of course it wasn't a cry for help; my issue is food, not alcohol. Duh. But, then a few minutes later I started to cry and Therapist asked me whether I was going to remember our discussion tomorrow. I reminded her that I had only had two glasses of wine and told her that I was way less inebriated than she seemed to think I was. The problem is that in those situations any attempts at denial just make you look worse.

Peanut Gallery: *collectively nodding sagely*

BC: Therapist tried to get me back on track by asking me what had been kicked up for me related to food during the past few weeks that had made me start rebelling. I summoned all my powers of focus and tried to think of all the things I had been thinking I should tell Therapist during the last few days. I ended up telling therapist that I felt sad and like I had no one in the universe who was there for just me. *glaring at Peanut Gallery*

Peanut Gallery: What? Continue.

BC: I told Therapist, after warning her several times that I was about to tell her the most corny thing she had ever heard, about a story I had read somewhere - perhaps some Buddhist script or possibly some random piece of internet trash - that explains the struggle of human existence like this: Each soul is born with half of a heart and spends their life longing for and seeking their other half. I said -

Peanut Gallery: Yes?

BC: I said that sometimes that theory on human existence, suffering, and love made sense to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing something. Sometimes, I feel more powerfully than other times that I would like someone to be there just for me, and I would like to be that someone for someone else.

Peanut Gallery: Um hmm...

BC: We talked some more about dating, and food issues, and how at the moment - possibly exacerbated by the fact that alcohol is a depressant - I felt sad and wanted to binge on chocolate. Therapist suggested that perhaps I could weigh whether the value I would get from binging was worth it to me. She also suggested that I consider calling someone I love as I had just talked about the importance of connecting with those I care about, and how relationships are the most important things in life.

Peanut Gallery: And?

BC: So, I muttered that I would think about it, gathered my resolve, felt ridiculous for contemplating a drunken binge immediately after therapy, left the building cradling my enormous bottle of vodka, and called Bean. We talked for 40 minutes, and it was good and we laughed a lot, and then my phone died. Then, I had some frozen grapes which made my teeth hurt. But, I didn't have chocolate because I didn't need it because Bean had made me feel better.

Peanut Gallery: Good work.

BC: Eh.

11 comments:

Starshine said...

*hugs*...Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

wordnerd said...

Sorry you had a rough week (and particular night) BC. Try to keep the chocolate at arm's length and have a good and restful weekend. I'll be thinking of you!

J. Lynne said...

*hugs*

Buttercup said...

Thanks Starshine, Wordnerd and J. Lynne. Such is life, there are ups and there are downs. But, I hope the humor in me arriving to therapy slightly tipsy carrying a huge bottle of vodka was not missed...? It was funny!

Gypsy said...

It's the green jelly beans that worry me. ;) They are such a gateway drug. I kid! I hope you're feeling better today.

Buttercup said...

Gypsy, Don't worry, I didn't swallow.

Willow said...

LMAO--you two and the green jelly beans!

Glad that Bean was able to make you feel better:) Now go out there and have a great weekend!!

Buttercup said...

Willow, I like "LMAO" so much better than "LOL"! Now, if I could only figure out how to italicize in comments like Gypsy... As for the weekend, I'm gearing up!

Karianne said...

good job BC and Bean! Keep up the hard work.

Love ya

M said...

Well, if drinking vodka is a cry for help, then I was yelling help all thru my 20's. (my favorite cry for help: vodka and pink lemondade)

Sparky Duck said...

as always im late to the party, but the wine and therapy was a good thinmg. it broke down your barriers