Friday, August 11, 2006

Ding Dong!

I'm so happy it's Friday! I was a total waste at work this week. Shocking not because I'm a procrastinator at heart, not because each hour I spend at work these days seems like pulling teeth, but shocking because Dragon Lady was gone this week!! One would have thought I would have been dancing on my desk and hanging off of the flourescent-lit ceilings screaming with glee:

"Ding-dong the witch is gone,
Which old witch?
The wicked witch,
Ding-dong the wicked witch is G-O-N-E!"

Oddly though, I wasn't in a celebratory mood. Instead, I was depressed, anxious, and worrying about everything. Yuck! To take my mind off of the anxiety, I blogged, read blogs, consumed celebrity news, read about all the latest fashion trends, and somehow completely missed the latest terrorist threat warnings. In short, my week consisted of mindless web-surfing. I should have relished this, but all I could think as I was doing it was how pathetic it was that I wasn't doing any work. How not fun is that? Deliberately avoiding work and then putting yourself on a simultaneous guilt trip about your avoidance. A waste on all counts, I tell you.

Oh well, one of things I'm trying to do, of late, is to let bygones be bygones (both for me and for others), and also to not spend so much time being anxious about the future. Both are excruciatingly difficult for me. I had a really wonderful session with CG yesterday and one of the things she said to me was: You need to think about what you can do to make yourself happy now. And she didn't mean "now" as in this time in my life; she meant "now" as in right now, today.

I'm supposed to try to sit with the present and not worry about the past or the future.

I didn't realize until recently that it was hard for me to sit in the present. I also didn't realize how much energy I spend worrying about time that has passed and time that will come. Yet another disconnect between my intellectual self, which has always understood the importance of living for today, and my emotional self, that has been nodding sagely at my intellectual self, and then, when my intellectual self isn't looking, has been running around like a mad woman trying to dissect, analyze, and divine the truth of the past in order to control the future.

Silly girl, didn't your Daddy tell you that you can't control the future? That you can't control the actions of others? That the only things you can control are your own actions? Why, yes, he did. But until your emotional self gets with the program, it doesn't much matter what your intellectual self knows or believes.

Monday is Raj's birthday, which makes this weekend his birthday weekend! I'm excited, and in order to make sure that I can enjoy the present this weekend, I'm going to buckle down and try to get some goddess-forsaken work done in the next few hours. Wish me luck and have a great weekend!

1 comment:

Gypsy said...

Oh, I feel ya about knowing better but doing it anyway.

I hope you and Raj had a great birthday weekend!