Random Resting Thoughts

Today was a day of listening to my body and resting, and though I don't want to jinx myself I think I might be feeling slightly better, although my head is still cloudy and stuffed up. I had 10 hours of sleep last night which was beyond awesome, and then spent most of the day laying in bed or resting on the couch, reading my book or watching some TV.

Among other things, I watched a dateline special on a UVA woman who was raped there at a frat party in 1984 when she was a 17-year old freshman. The rapist didn't admit it at the time and no charges were ever filed against him. The Dean of Students asked the woman if she was sure it hadn't been consensual. Nice. Little girls being raped at frat parties don't make for good publicity. Twenty-one years later, the rapist wrote the woman a letter apologizing for "harming" her, and they began corresponding, eventually culminating with her bringing charges against him. That's where I got sleepy and took a nap, but I DVR-ed it to watch the end of the program later.

On a lighter note, I also watched the SATC episode where Carrie starts dating the "new Yankee" a month after breaking up with Big. Out one night with the Yankee, Carrie sees Big and everything goes into slow motion as Big places his hand on Carrie's shoulder and tells her that she's never looked better. Then Big walks off into the crowd and Carrie is left with the new Yankee and her heartache. Later, when the Yankee started making out with Carrie in the street, Carrie started to cry and tore herself away from his embrace. Does this remind you of anyone you know?

Navy boy is the new Yankee!! That's his SATC character! Does this mean there's a SATC character for every boy? Possibly. I had a long relationship with a wonderful guy - a drummer - during the years between college and law school and he always reminded me and my friends of Aiden. He was the sweet, caring man that was a little too sweet and a little too into me. There was no challenge, and there wasn't a lot of passion. I felt secure with him, but I didn't love him as much as I knew that I should, as much as he loved me. Poor Aiden. Don't worry about the Drummer, though, he's happy.

I'm too close to the EXBF situation to make him a character. He's still too real and too painful. Not all the time, mind you, but every now and then the sadness catches me off guard and I'm forced to remind myself that this will take some time. Take last night, for instance. I was innocently scrolling down the list of HBO movies when my eyes happened to catch site of "Munich." I felt nothing for a second while I tried to place the title, and then it came back to me. He and I had seen Munich together. There was nothing particularly special about the movie or the night. During the three years we were on and off, we saw lots of movies together; we shared lots of things. I've prepared myself against memories and reminders of the significant things, but it's the seemingly insignificant things that sometimes catch me off guard. How was I to know that a memory of that movie would have brought up a piercing wave of sadness?

Just a moment before I had been feeling perfectly fine (minus the congested, stuffy-head, sore throat, fever situation), but then one movie title shot me back into a place of panicky sadness. I even felt for a moment that I wanted to call him, but didn't consider it. Instead, I took a deep breath, and reminded myself that everything was OK. As luck would have it, my brother Bacchus called a short time later and we had a good conversation which helped me banish away the lingering pangs of longing. Then, a little while later, my room mate came home and we hung out. All in all, it was a pleasant evening, marred only by that brief pang.

Charlotte (my favorite SATC) character, said something about how it takes half as long to get over someone as the length of the relationship. I'd heard that somewhere before, probably from the first time I watched the episode years ago. Anyway, I think it's totally true. As EXBF and I had been together only a year this second time around (really, 11 months and a week, but that's close enough), and as it's been about 2 1/2 months since we broke up, I have about 3 1/2 more months before I will feel completely over him (or maybe completely over us is more accurate?). Worst case scenario: expect random processing blogging about him until about April.

I had been going back and forth in my mind about whether I should write about this "getting over" process on the blog. People say you should "never let them see you cry" and other such nonsense, and I've puzzled over that. Is that really what I'm supposed to do, not let anyone see that I actually had feelings for this person that I'm grappling with? And what's wrong with crying? Crying is therapeutic. Although, it's notable that since the two-week period right after the break-up, I've hardly cried at all. When I was living with him, during those last few months, I cried almost every week. I was so upset and in such a vulnerable place with him. I can't believe I allowed myself to go through that for so long. It's effed up.

As you can see I'm leaning towards the side of writing, rather than staying silent. It's a part of what I'm thinking about right now, so if it feels right, I'm going to write about it. Even if he is still reading my blog (which he told me he was right after the break-up when I was crushed and pouring my heart out - can you believe that?) I'm not going to let him or anyone else make me feel bad about still feeling sad about him. This is what happens when you love someone.

But, enough of that. I'm off to bed. My body is going to start yelling at me again any second and the Nyquil bottle, my glass of warm milk & honey, and "Memoirs of a Geisha" are calling me.