Thursday, January 04, 2007

Devil's Work

So much for my first resolution, to go to the gym three times a week. The first week of January is not shaping up so well. I've had to stay late at the office for most days this week, including tonight where I was stuck in a meeting and had to miss therapy! I'm so annoyed.

I've been put on a new case set to go to trial in the Spring. The next few months are going to be rough, but they're also going to be interesting because I'll be doing completely new things. Based on tonight's team meeting, the people on the case are cool. None of them have Dragon Lady's habit of treating the people under them like they are worthless morons, so that was refreshing. I might even like working with these people! It will also be a good opportunity to rehabilitate my reputation; apparently Dragon Lady may have given me a poor review. Not that I'm surprised by that.

I'm slightly alarmed that I think this case might be interesting. What does that mean for my plans to leave soon? I can already sense that I could get sucked in to thinking this could be a positive experience, and thinking about everything that I could learn. It's the same thing I thought when I first decided to come to the Firm. The opportunity to learn and gain experience is not a good enough reason to stay somewhere - I'll learn anywhere I go - but yet it tugs at me. It appeals to the side of me that despises Dragon Lady for many things, including for the negative way she has colored my experience at the Firm.

This new case is going to be challenging and I like being challenged. On the other hand, it's probably going to entail working late most days and on the weekends (something I have been loathe to do), and will be hell on earth while we're preparing for trial in earnest. The whole thing will probably settle before we go to trial anyway, conveniently right after we do all of the prep work (of course), so I can't count on a trial experience in my near future.

I think a part of me is still on the fence about whether I want to cut my losses entirely here, or whether I want to try to make one final push to turn this experience into a more positive, enriching one.

I can't believe that, but I think it might be true. I need to talk to my therapist and figure this out. I can't possibly really want to stay here for six more months, especially when those months will be hell on earth... Now if only this meeting hadn't interfered with my therapy appointment, maybe I would have made some personal headway on this issue.

Hmmm.... My job interfered with my life again. Shouldn't that tell me my answer right there?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

experience is very important, plus you dont know if this case wont open up more doors someplace else.

Gypsy said...

I think you could have challenging and learning experiences in an environment that doesn't suck the soul right out of you. ;) Keep looking for a better fit!

(Although it doesn't hurt to look on the bright side, and this new project sounds interesting.)

Pas said...

I think you should quit your job. You could find reasons to delay your departure forever ...

Bubbles said...

I think you know what this percieved desire to possibly stay really is... (as reflected in the picture you posted)... it is, apparently, Satan calling you to do her bidding. Don't go to the darkside, Buttercup. The Dragon Lady probably once wore burkenstocks and had flowers in her eyes. . . and then she got an interesting case as her firm...

Racy Li said...

Think of your job like an abusive boyfriend; you really want to stay with him because for various reasons it is helping you alot, but the problem is he keeps bitch-slappin' you into the ground. You think to yourself then, I HATE YOU, but then he picks you back up and starts treating you like a human being again, and you think, hey, this isn't so bad, maybe I can make this work, I mean, I've learned alot, and maybe I can learn some more, now that's getting better.

It's only a matter of time before your job smacks you upside the head again reminding you just how much you hate, and how stupid you were for not leaving before.

Don't stop looking for another position; think of it as keeping your options open. Because 1) Just because you're looking, doesn't mean you'll find anything you like (or even get offered anything), and 2) Just because you get offered a position, doesn't mean you have to take it.

But you're not going to have that option in the future, if you don't start looking now.

InterstellarLass said...

I agree with everyone else. Don't stay with the known just because it's known! Get out there and find what's right for you AND that will allow you to get to the gym!

Buttercup said...

You all have no idea how much I needed to hear all of that this morning. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral this week. As soon as I get a moment, expect a longer post responding to your excellent comments.

starshine said...

Is there any way you can request to report to a different boss? I have no idea how big law firms work, but it sounds like the main thing you don't like is the treatment you get from Dragon Lady. What would this job look like for you if she were out of the equation? I guess you would still have the big firm environment to deal with in terms of the long hours, etc. Just some thoughts from the bottom of the chili bowl. I know you'll find the job that's right for you. And the you are right for!