My Friends Are Escaping

I am sitting at my desk trying not to sink into a deep well of despair. At the same time, I'm elated because one of my friends at the Firm, Sebastian, just gave notice and another one, Em, is planning to do it this afternoon. They are escaping.

Em has an offer from another firm but she's waiting for them to give her the final go ahead before she gives notice. She's been waiting for days and can hardly sit still. She wants to be on her way out of here so badly.

Sebastian is quitting without having another job lined up. He is my idol. I am awestruck by his ability to take this leap into the unknown. He's been at the Firm for a year longer than Em and me, and he is the only person who possibly hates this place more than I do. I liked him immediately.

I don't know what I'm going to do without them! Sebastian makes me laugh with his deadpan darkness, and Em is a positive light who somehow has retained perspective throughout these past two years of toxicity. A part of me is so sad that they're leaving.

A bigger part of me is about to freak out because I'm not leaving too. I'm trying to get a grip and remind myself that it is only January 3rd, two days after returning from break, and that I could not have done anything on the job front during the past two months. My new plan has been to come back from break and then throw myself into finding a new job, so I'm really not behind. I'm on schedule.

Except that yesterday, on my first day back, it took only a few hours for the toxicity to grab a hold of me again and start wearing me down. I came back from vacation sleep-deprived but emotionally revived, optimistic about the new year. By mid-day I could feel my good mood and motivation seeping away under the crush of new assignments, a nasty run in with a glaring Dragon Lady, and a sense of depression that I was still here. I came into the office determined to go to the gym, but that plan got smashed because of a case that kept me here until 3 am.

There is no time for going to the gym, for being healthy, or for getting one's life in order while working at a hell-hole that thinks nothing of demanding its associates to work until 3am. I want to cry and jump around and scream that it's not fair. Because it's not; life should not be this way.

But, I digress. I am so happy for my friends. I want to be in the same position that they are in today, and hopefully I will be in the next few months. I just have to get my ass in gear.