Musings From The Dark Side

I have regained a bit of perspective since yesterday's moment of weakness when I contemplated continuing my pact with the devil. It's true Bubbles, Satan is calling me to do her bidding in the form of a new interesting case that would keep me in the rat race for at least 6 more months while the world and my life pass me by. I know this is true, hence my reference to the "Devil's Advocate."

See, I'm not miserable! I'm darkly humorous. In seriousness, a few of you have commented to me that I sound miserable and that I should get out. I hate that I sound miserable and I'm disappointed in myself for sending out vibes of miserableness into the universe through this blog. My feeling on people who are miserable has always been that they should stop bitching and whining and do something about the source of their misery. I hope that I have not sounded (in general) on this blog like I am just bitching and whining - eventhough that can sometimes be very therapeutic. When I talk about my job, and particularly Dragon Lady, I can understand how I sound miserable since I frequently express how much I hate it. Sometimes, like yesterday, I get down and I can also understand how talking about that could lead my readers to believe that I am miserable.

I don't think of myself as miserable. I can assure you that when I'm away from my job, in the evenings or on the weekends, I'm quite happy and engaged with the world. Even at work when I'm spewing off a tirade about how much I hate work, I'm not miserable. It actually gives me great happiness to be able to express how f-ed up I think everything about my job is.

However, there is more than a grain of truth in the assertion that I may be miserable because in some sense I guess I am. I'm miserable in the sense that I am very aware of how much of my potential I am wasting by staying at this firm, for not taking the plunge out of the rat race. I'm also afraid of what life on the other side would look like, and it makes me miserable at times to know that fear might be playing a roll in keeping me here. I'm just being honest.

I guess I would say that my soul is in a state of misery more often than it would like because of in large part my current position. However, I'm a lot stronger than I used to be, and whereas I felt genuinely miserable my first year at the firm, I've toughened up and no longer feel torn to emotional shreds by my daily reality.

I'm rambling, but being this introspective and contemplating the precise nature of my state of miserableness is challenging. It's going to take some more thought on my part. I'll think about it more this weekend.

I also wanted to respond to a comment by Racy Li who wrote: "Think of your job like an abusive boyfriend; you really want to stay with him because for various reasons it is helping you a lot, but the problem is he keeps bitch-slappin' you into the ground." Amen, sister. I hope you will not think of me as taking anything away from the experience of women who are actually in abusive relationships when I say that her words rang true. My firm and a lot of the people I work with are abusive, and they do attempt to rip you down as a way to keep you in line while at the same time occasionally pumping you up and dangling various carrots in front of your eyes.

This comment also got me thinking about what I get from this firm, and what the various reasons are that I stay. I guess I have stayed because of security (including financial security), prestige (god damned ambition!), my pro bono work (which is still continuing), the chance to gain experience, and the hope that this opportunity will open up other doors (which it has by, for example, allowing me to connect with public interest organizations through my pro bono work).

This afternoon I had tea with Sebastian, my friend who gave notice on Tuesday and in so doing became my idol. During our conversation, he commented that Eastern philosophers believe that happiness is attained through eliminating desire, not in the fulfillment of desire. Sebastian has been in this rat race for years, in large part due to the ambitions of youth which drove him to excel in school and at work. He told me that he believes that he has to eliminate that career ambition - that desire for prestige and professional success - in order to attain happiness. Essentially, he needs to turn his back on the allure of the rat race to attain a more meaningful life.

I am in complete agreement with Sebastian and I know in my heart that I need to do the same thing, ultimately, in order to attain a lasting happiness for myself. Sebastian has broken free, and for that he is my hero, but the rats still have their claws in me.

It's scary, bloody work to rip the rats away. They're claws run deep, and they bite when provoked.