A Proposed Small Step For Womenkind

Pondering the issue of unwanted male attention, I found myself thinking about another unwanted encounter I had on Sunday afternoon while walking down another block on 8th Avenue to meet Raj for a quick bite.

A man fell in step with me on my right (putting himself between the street and me, just as the other one had) and said, "Excuse me, do you mind if I introduce myself?" He was a tall, skinny white male in his 40s with shaggy brown hair, faded denim clothes that didn't look especially clean, and a guitar slung across his back. I said, "No," but in a clipped, polite, noncommittal sort of way, and he told me that his name was "L." Not liking where this was going, I said, "I'm on my way to meet my boyfriend." He mumbled, "Okay, then" and fell out of step with me.

Another one bites the dust. Kudos of a sort to me. But, what had I accomplished in this encounter?

For those of you keeping track, that would be two unwanted encounters with males in the span of 3 days. Either I've been looking exceptionally hot, New York males have been feeling exceptionally desperate, there's something strange going on on 8th Avenue, or men everywhere feel a warped sense of entitlement to accost women in public places. Raj said it's my fault for wiggling my butt suggestively when I walk, which I most certainly do not do! (Unless he's behind me on the stairs.) But, I digress.

According to Gravelly, I need to do a better job of not putting myself in situations where I could become the target of unwanted male attention. But, as a woman, that's difficult to do because so often it doesn't matter where we go, what we do, what we wear, or what time it is. There is almost always going to be some man who feels entitled to gaze at, ogle, comment on, approach, or take forceful possession of our bodies. Although I refuse to concede that I must limit my freedom of movement because of the bad behavior of men, I’m wondering if I could do a better job of combating it on an individual level.

This problem of unwanted male attention is about men, not women. Or more accurately, this problem is about the gendered imbalance of power between men and women in our society. It's about men feeling like they are entitled to any piece of female ass that shows up in their vicinity. Unless of course said piece of female ass is already taken by another male. If a woman has been claimed by another man, then other males will often back off, hence my handy "boyfriend defense." Whereas an unclaimed woman in our society (this goes for lesbians too, which though claimed by their female partners are not claimed by males) is open territory - a loose cauldron of bubbling sexual energy to be controlled by men - a claimed women has already given over her sexual energy to the male system, and in so doing has gained a protector she can trot out to fend off the testosterone-crazed masses whenever they mistake her for one of the female free agents operating out in no-man's land. No one said patriarchal possession didn’t come with its positives.

What's the solution to all this, and what’s a girl to do to make it happen? The solution would be for men to come to realize that they are not entitled to every piece of female ass that shows up in their vicinity, whether or not said piece of female ass is already claimed by another male, has a male protector waiting for her on the next corner, or wiggles her ass when she walks. The solution, as our powerful songstress of soul said so eloquently, is to teach men some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The boyfriend defense is a handy way of telling men to buzz off, and it’s a nice way of warning would-be attackers that you are not alone (let’s not overlook this other perk of the defense), but it doesn’t teach men to respect women. Rather, it reinforces a problematic aspect of the gender power structure in which men show respect for one another, and other men's belongings (in our patriarchal system that would be us ladies), but not for women in their own right.

The defense also has the unintended consequence of perpetuating unwanted male behavior because it keeps hope alive in the hearts of men. When women use the boyfriend defense as a shorthand way of explaining their lack of interest, as I did, it allows males to delude themselves with the fiction that the object of their desires would have been interested but for the fact that she was already taken. It allows them to imagine that the next woman they approach on the street might actually welcome their advances. In helping myself by shooing L away, I did the rest of the women walking down 8th Avenue on Sunday a disservice.

What should I have done to do my small part in shifting this powerful tide of male entitlement? What should I have said to send the clear message that men are not entitled to approach women willy-nilly on the street and to expect that women will be interested in their often times crude ovations unless they are already claimed by another male?

When he asked me whether I minded if he introduced himself, I should have looked him straight in the eye, owned my lack of interest, and declared, "Yes, I do. Now leave me alone.” I should have done my best to crush the hope within his chest. That would have helped me and my sisters on 8th Avenue.

Can you imagine if all women started responding in such unequivocal terms when faced with unwanted male attention? Men might actually start becoming afraid of approaching women on the street. That would be something.