Wednesday, March 08, 2006

A Positive Life: Hard...but Attainable

I have been blessed with many things in my life including family, education, and freedom. For the majority of my time, I have been very grateful for the life that I have been given. Though, many times when things are going bad, I have been selfish, unappreciative, and angry at the world, and just plain out, a cold person. When I am going around and around in my average life, it is easy to let someone get the better of me and I internalize emotions, usually of negative natures, and I will become a bad unappreciative person.

My husband and I live up on five acres of beautiful, roughed mountainside. We are definitely out in the boonies and we love it. We have our own well for water, a septic tank, and we have propane for our heater, stovetop, and hot water heater. The drive up the dirt road is rough filled with ruts and holes and covered in snow for majority of the year. Most of the dirt road is only wide enough for one vehicle and there are many blind spots.

On Saturday, Tex and I were on our way to the grocery store. As we left our peaceful quiet home, a short way down the road, about 15 cars were parked on the “side” of the road right in the way of any traffic. I couldn’t see around the bend and if another car would have come, one of us would have to back all the way up the road…I wasn’t going to be that person. I was very aggravated but as well I saw this as a challenge, so I passed all the vehicles with my right side of my vehicle driving on the mountainside still coming inches away from the parked cars. I succeeded and made it to the grocery store.

Although, I succeeded I was irate at the people who parked there on “our” road. These are some thoughts running through my head while passing the vehicles: “How could someone be so irresponsible and put all others driving on the road in danger, not immediate but possible danger?” “Why are Utah people so stupid?” “Fucking people…get the fuck out of my way!” (I think I have an anger problem just a tad.) "Why must going to the grocery store be so difficult?"

Now a few days later, there are still 3 or 4 cars parked in the road, but located on the road in a better position than in the previous day. I have calmed down (still annoyed) but I don’t care as much. My lack of knowledge and anger got me again though. Driving to work today, we saw our neighbor with his dog and stopped to chat with him for a few minutes. He informed us that a couple lived in the house down and were in their mid-20’s like Tex and me. While the woman was plowing her driveway a few days ago, she had a seizure and passed away. Suddenly, I remembered all the cars and felt horrible that I had been so selfish to get angry. As well, here I am…alive, able, breathing, happy, mad, sad…I am living and this poor girl was plowing her driveway and just passed away. She doesn’t get to look at her spouse again, soak up the warmth from the sun, go to the store again, or say what she may have wanted to say.

This reminded me of how grateful I am to have chances of living my life. Not to say I will never get angry again or I am changed completely, but this incident made me open my eyes again and said "Here's reality". I still have to work on living life to the fullest without negative emotions taken over me but thank goodness I have today and hopefully more tomorrows to appreciate and change for the better.

1 comment:

Buttercup said...

Bean, That's a sad story. It strikes me that we are both trying to change for the better. That's something. xo