If Only Maverick Were Here To Save Katie From Scientology's Fantatical Clutches

I'm seriously worried about Katie Holmes. What in God's name is she doing?? Look at this picture. She continually dangles around Tommy Boy like a piece of clinging cotton candy, all squinty-eyed sugary smiles, while Tommy Boy has eyes only for the crowd watching him put on his courtship show. If your man is looking elsewhere when he's smooching you, I have news for you: He's not that into you. Katie needs to wise-up and ship-out before he gets his greedy little hands on his seed-child and tosses her unpregnant ass to the curb.

Also note the hard set of his jaw and his aggressively pursed lips. He looks like he's having about as much fun as I did the last time I went to the dentist and stubbornly clamped my mouth shut after my dentist grazed a non-novacained tooth with her spinning drill bit. Tommy Boy's piercing eyes are steely and cold, and his nose has to be poking Katie's cheek uncomfortably. At least he looks like he's clean shaven and not ripping up her face with his stubble. Though Katie's face is radiating her usual star struck lovey-doveyness, the girl's shoulders look tense, and she's leaning away from Tommy Boy. Could this be an unconscious cry for help? Maybe she realizes deep down that she's made a pact with some kind of devil, and that it's not going to be so easy to get her and her baby out of the little psycho world she went skipping into.

Normally I think it's kind of unfair - but amusing - to analyze the body language of celebrities based on a single photo. Everyone takes a bad picture occasionally, and one's body language changes from one second to the next. However, in this instance, I feel no guilt whatsoever in using similar tactics to analyze Katie and Tom's (I refuse to refer to them as "TomKat") "relationship." First of all, it was difficult to find a picture where Katie was not swooning all over Tom like a giant tinkerbell high on fairy dust, so this picture is far from an anomaly. When Katie's not clinging to him, she's allowing him to contort her body into odd unnatural publicity poses - all of which I suspect have as part of their agenda an effort to disguise the fact that Katie is 4 feet taller than Tommy in addition to proving how much these two "love" each other. Yeah, right.

Second, I have decided that Tom Cruise is an unequivocal and fanatical whack-job with far too much power and far too much time on his hands. He has made me afraid. Not just for Katie, but for all of us. Take the recent stunt he pulled by intimidating Comedy Central into yanking a repeat of South Park's Scientology Episode off the air. Who does that? A freaking lunatic member of a cult who believes in aliens, and has voodoo mind-power, that's who. Not that I'm suggesting that everyone who believes in aliens is a nut-job. I happen to believe that aliens quite possibly exist somewhere out in the universe, and will admit to entertaining the fascinating notion that maybe aliens visited earth a long, long time ago and helped out our ancestors (either that, or tagged them for review and possible future extinction ala Independence Day).

It's not the alien component that freaks me out about the Cult of Scientology. Rather, it's that I just don't get it. I gather Ron Hubbard is the founder, and they believe that people get a build up of negative/evil thoughts and must somehow be purged of that negativity. Apparently, all of this is measured by an apparatus which resembles two coke cans attached by wires to some kind of electronic device. Sounds very scientific. I have so many questions about it. Why is it called Scientology? Who gave Scientology permission to imply that its beliefs are grounded in science? Why do we only hear about rich celebrity members of the cult? Why is John Travolta, who looks so innocent on the surface, a member of this cult? Maybe he's been suffering under the same kind of voodoo magic that Tommy Boy is currently using to brainwash Katie? Why does nobody state the obvious and call it a cult?

Even if I liked Scientology, I would be supremely annoyed at Tom Cruise's audacity in forcing Comedy Central to pull the South Park Episode. What was he afraid would happen? Maybe this has more to do with the fact that the episode poked fun at his sexuality, rather than it's treatment of Scientology? Regardless, has he not heard of the First Amendment and the fact that the United States does not engage in outright censorship? At least not of cartoons that regularly make fun of all religions and ethnic groups equally. And what of that chef who resigned in protest. Puh-lease. This chef had no problem with South Park poking fun at the Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists. But the minute they poked fun at Scientology, this guy went ape shit and started blathering about the importance of "tolerance." Give me a freaking break. I cannot stand hypocrisy, specially not when it's tossed up to defend a freaky-deaky cult.

Here's something funny though from the boys of South Park as reported by NPR. In response to Tommy Boy's fanatical freak-out, the boys of South Park released the following statement:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!

-- Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu