Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Life, Fear, and the Subconscious...Meaning?

I usually have about 1-2 nightmares in a week. Usually it is of my hometown, or me running as fast as possible from some horrible beast. Occasionally I will not remember the whole dream but I will remember tid-bits as well as the fear and anxiety associated with the dream. I don’t see it as an issue yet…but the one that I had the other day really bothered me.
The other night I awoke just before 6 in the morning. I was frantic and felt like I was a nut case. My pajamas were soaked with sweat and the back of my neck, right at the hair line was drenched as well. I quickly looked over to see Tex right next to me sleeping peacefully. In the nightmare, Tex had died. I don’t remember how, or why but I remember feeling all choked up and empty, and completely out of control. Once conscious, I was able to calm myself down and take control of my brain. I snuggled up next to him, put my face on his shoulder and his arm around me and closed my eyes. I was able to fall right back asleep.
Unfortunately for me, it was a shitty night and I ended up having a similar nightmare again for the remaining one hour of sleep available. But in this one, he was just gone from my life, I don’t remember much but again I do remember feeling absolutely empty with no strength and no real life exuberating out of me like usual. I don’t like having fucked up dreams about my spouse, my best friend, and my other half. It has been really pissing me off. I am starting to think that this is one reason why I enjoy drinking a few drinks before bed. They won’t knock me out but they will do a good enough job so I won’t wake up. And rarely will I have a nightmare if I have a few drinks to tame my soul. I’m not sure how to interpret this horrible trippy nightmare but the one idea and song that has stuck in my mind is “If Tomorrow Never Comes”:

...Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes...

I have since been very lovey-dovey with Tex. Instead of my usual snide remarks and quick vulgar comebacks, (we have a good time but we are both very sarcastic with one-another), I give him a hug more often and while he studies I have gone into the “study” to keep him company. I fear a lot of my life. But I guess the major fear is not having a chance to say what I need to say, hug who I need to hug…When I was younger I knew a fair amount of people who died and I always despised their passing for the simple fact that I fear uncertainty and instability. Every life is uncertain and everything that involves living your life will never be set in stone.

I have realized now that perhaps this is the shifting in my life of people whom I take care of or feel I don’t appreciate enough…aloud. I used to have nightmares consistently in high school and college about my mom needing help and I was unable to protect her or help her. One time, 2 psychos raided my mom’s house in my nightmare. I tried helping her, running to her side but they did the unthinkable in front of me and I was useless and then I was dead too. This specific nightmare I have had many times and each time I had done something different, the last time I had this nightmare was a year ago and I went running down the hallway to save her, and I died...but it was like my sacrifice saved her because they ran out once I was shot.

Perhaps you believe that dreams mean nothing, but I am skeptical of them. I think they have meaning and my conclusion for now is that it is telling me to be more appreciative of the people whom I love in my life. I would be one pissed off angel if I died tomorrow and the persons close to me didn’t realize how much they mean to me. Life is tough and I hate being a softy, I feel too vulnerable, and God knows I am not a pushover. But a nightmare that hits too close to home definitely will open my eyes for at least a little while to analyze a part of myself.


Buttercup said...

Uh oh... apparently we both have anxiety issues. Yikes! In your case, maybe you are afraid of losing Tex. That should at least tell you how much you care about him, and I think it's good that you are taking it as a sign that you should express to him how much you love him. Nothing wrong with that.

Now, if you can explain me sleeping next to Mr. Chainsaw Massacre Man, that would be impressive.

Bean said...

I have no idea why you sleep with Mr. chainsaw man. All i know is every Halloween when we go to a haunted house, I ended up screaming when chainsaw man comes at me and I push Tex towards him, to save myself.