Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Kernals of Dating Philosophy

After my steamy date on Thursday, I went out on a pseudo-date on Friday with Em's friend, the very tall, very sweet, boy of North Indian descent. By the way, the reason I mention people's races, nationalities, and cultural backgrounds is because I find it interesting. I've always dated all different types of boys from lots of different backgrounds, including White, African American, South American, South Asian, East Asian, Persian, Pacific Islander, etc. Lately, I've had a thing for brown boys, especially South Asian boys. I blame this of course on EXBF, who despite all of his faults as a partner had beautiful brown skin, a chiseled mouth, and pretty, long-lashed eyes.

After dating an Indian boy on-and-off for 3 years, I suppose it's not surprising that I'm still attracted to Indian boys. I like the culture, the family values, the religion, the beautiful saris, and the boys' smooth, hairless, brown skin and long delicate hands. South Asian boys are nice to kiss because they never leave scruff-burn on your chin. After each of my make-out sessions with Navy Boy - who is an attractive, stereotypically masculine, white boy of German descent - my chin was peeling for days! A girl can not walk around with a peeling chin. It's just not attractive and it raises a host of awkward questions.

Getting back to my pseudo-date on Friday. I met Em's friend for a drink at a wine bar and then went to see "Pan's Labyrinth," a dark fable about doing what you know to be right instead of blindly following (evil) orders. (Another message from the Universe about the evils of LFL? Perhaps.) Did anyone else see that? What do y'all think? The wine bar was cute, the movie was interesting, and overall I had a pleasant evening. But, there was no chemistry. He walked me to my apartment at the end of the night and before any awkwardness could occur, I leaned in and hugged him and thanked him for the evening. We're both Capricorns; it would never have worked. He's a wonderful guy and I genuinely would love to be friends, but I can't see any further dating happening. Hopefully, we'll be friends.

After spending Thursday and Friday with boys, I spent the rest of the weekend with my girls and had a wonderful time. On Saturday, after going to the gym for the first time in months (Yay!!! Lass, I'm coming for you!), I went out for dinner with two of my girl friends to a vegetarian restaurant in the East Village called Angelica Kitchen. The restaurant was awesome! The food was delicious, healthy, and creative, and instead of wine I had carrot juice with fresh ginger. Yum. After dinner, we went for dessert to Mud, a super cool coffee shop with one of the best brownie desserts that I have ever tasted. It was to-die-for.

My two friends are amazing, strong, sensitive, incredible women. We talked a lot about relationships, dating, and the wonderful things about being single. All of us are in similar places, having ended long-term relationships and now excited about being on our own and perhaps a bit wary about getting involved any time soon. One of them asked me why I had decided to go out with Tapas Boy on Thursday, as I have no desire to get into a relationship at the moment and I also have no intention of have random sex with anyone with whom I'm not in a relationship. Her question, in effect, was: Why would I want to go out on a date if I don't want it to lead anywhere either emotionally or physically?

It was a good question and it made me think more about where I'm at in terms of the dating thing. The same question came up a day later while I was out with my friend Pele, having drinks at the Stone Rose Lounge at the Time Warner Center, trying to ignore the Superbowl, talking about her latest boy, who incidentally, is acting like a total sketchball. A month into them dating and being intimate, he tells her that he's had a girl staying at his apartment. As if that wouldn't have been sketchy enough, the girl has been sleeping in his bed! Next to him! In any other city, actively pursuing a woman while having another woman sleeping in your bed would be unquestionably outrageous. In New York, there's this odd acceptance of that type of sleazy behavior, particularly on the part of men. There's almost this assumption that when you first begin dating someone, they'll be dating someone else and probably sleeping with someone else. Instead of kicking his ass to the curb, my friend has been trying to "play it cool" and to not act like an "oversensitive psycho girl." Um, hello. When boys act like lying sketchballs, it is not psycho to kick their asses to the curb. It's eminently reasonable.

Am I the only girl in the city who believes that people should finish one relationship before moving on to the next one? But, even I can't draw a super hard line there because in the last three weeks I've hooked up with one boy (Navy Boy), kissed another (Tapas Boy), gone out on a date with another one (Em's Friend), and agreed to meet another one for a drink (Em's Boyfriend's Friend). I'm almost as bad as them!!!

But, I'm not in relationships with any of those boys. For me the critical distinction is that I'm not sleeping with them, I'm just dating them. The reasons I'm not sleeping with them are numerous. For starters: (1) I don't want any diseases, (2) I'm not ready for that level of intimacy, (3) I don't want a relationship right now and I don't want to sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship, and (4) dating would not be fun for me if it was causing me any anxiety, and sleeping with someone you don't know is a surefire way to cause yourself a heap of anxiety. Some of this reasoning is admittedly circular, however, that's where I'm at.

To answer my friend's question, I want to date because it's fun. Not because I want a relationship, not because I want random, meaningless sex, but because it's fun. It's fun to go out in the city. It's fun to try new restaurants and bars. It's fun to salsa dance with a hot boy. It's fun to have male attention, and it's fun to learn more about different men. It's fun to feel sexy and beautiful while flirting with a handsome man, particularly when the last boy I gave my heart to stomped on it repeatedly, ground it into the floor with the heel of his shoe, and then tossed it aside. My heart is still healing, and I know it's going to take a while for it to feel completely whole. But, I see no reason why I shouldn't have a lot of fun while letting the healing process work its magic.


Gypsy said...

My first boyfriend was half Japanese, and ever since I've had a thing for them.

As for dating, most of the time I think our mothers and grandmothers had the right idea -- they DATED. Meaning, they went out on dates with lots of boys. I have never dated. Ever. I've been on a total of like 4 dates in my entire life.

I say go out there and have a good time and go on dates and if you happen to meet someone worthy of a relationship, great, and if not, great! Have fun! :)

Pas said...

Sounds like you're having a great time, Buttercup! And not even near the sketchiness of that other behavior you describe. Yuck -- I like to believe that men aren't pigs ... but sometimes I'm quite challenged to keep the faith!

Congratulations on your fun time in the city!

Ally Bean said...

"But, I see no reason why I shouldn't have a lot of fun while letting the healing process work its magic."

It's the only way to let the healing process work. Energy flows where attention goes-- so focus on happy.

Interstellar said...

I didn't think he was so cute at first, but then I saw him on the Today show, and I think he's dreamy. That jaw. That hair. *sigh* You could move to L.A. and stalk him.

Date. Have fun. Flirt. Let boys admire you. You deserve it. Mr. Right will come along and you'll know it.

I'll be going to the gym late tonight. Open House at school. Must work out!

Buttercup said...

Gypsy - So true. That is what I will attempt to do.

Pas - My desire is to avoid sketchy behavior at all costs. I think sketchiness comes with sex. Am I wrong?

Ally Bean - I like that saying!

Lass - I saw him on the Today Show too, and he is dreamy! My god. He's going to give Sayid a run for his money with respect to my affections.

Starshine said...

"Um, hello. When boys act like lying sketchballs, it is not psycho to kick their asses to the curb. It's eminently reasonable."

Here, here! I couldn't agree more!

Anonymous said...

Dating is fun as it should be. There is no secret formula to making it work for you.


wordnerd said...

Buttercup, I think it is SO GREAT that you are getting out there and having fun. I know these past few months have been difficult and I'm not about to say something stupid like "everything happens for a reasons...bullshit, bullshit, bullshit"...BUT....what a wonderful opportunity to get to know NY a bit better, get to know yourself a bit better and have some fun with some cute boys.

Girl power all around.....this is SUCH a positive thing.

I've not been on a TON of dates as I met MD relatively young when we were in law school (although there were a couple of handfuls before him)....I treasure those experiences (even the bad ones) and look forward to sharing them over ice cream with my daughters, nieces and pseudo-daughters...:*)

One last thing....O Mohinder....and Sayid...they are the first men about which I have actually DREAMT...in a long, long time. They are totally on the "permissible if possible" list.

Cheers buddy

Buttercup said...

Starshine - Don't you think that guy's acting like a sketchball? I can't believe there wasn't more outcry about that!

Me - Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to share you dating wisdom. :)

Wordnerd - I heard from a wise woman that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Not that breaking up was going to kill me! But, I definitely feel stronger now than I did before. If we ever meet up in person, I want to share stories over ice cream. As far as those hot Indian men, lucky you to have had them in your dreams! (I once had a dream with Sawyer. Hubba, hubba).

Sparky Duck said...

ok thats sketchy as hell, and for some reason it seems to work down here in Philadelphia too, since I have friends in the same type situation.

Dating is fun, but you should not go into each one thinking nothing will happen, you could be passing up, "the one"

Buttercup said...

Sparky - OMG, that happens in Philly too?? What's the deal? Please give us a male perspective on that type of behavior. About "the one," not interested at the moment. BUT, if he is "the one" I'm sure it will work out despite my reticence.

Now, give me that explanation of that sketchy male behavior.

Sparky Duck said...

Simple, men are stupid and think they can have there cake and eat it too. Which, unfortunately works sometimes, since women are stupid too.(no offense)

As women get older, they let there love and logic intertwine and men take advantage of this, usually the ones who are not grown ups. I have a friend who has been dating this guy for at least 6 mos. He hasnt met her parents, if we did not see him at the wedding we would not know he existed and he has a roommate who cooks, cleans, does his laundry and does all the wife type things. Odd?

Buttercup said...

Sparky - Yes, I can see how he's having his cake and trying to eat it too. I would think it would be the opposite for women though - that as they get older they get wiser in love, not more foolish.

That's odd about your friend's boyfriend's roommate. Hopefully he doesn't sleep in the boyfriend's bed.

Elizabeth said...

I have scruff burn:( What do I do?

Buttercup said...