Kernals of Dating Philosophy

After my steamy date on Thursday, I went out on a pseudo-date on Friday with Em's friend, the very tall, very sweet, boy of North Indian descent. By the way, the reason I mention people's races, nationalities, and cultural backgrounds is because I find it interesting. I've always dated all different types of boys from lots of different backgrounds, including White, African American, South American, South Asian, East Asian, Persian, Pacific Islander, etc. Lately, I've had a thing for brown boys, especially South Asian boys. I blame this of course on EXBF, who despite all of his faults as a partner had beautiful brown skin, a chiseled mouth, and pretty, long-lashed eyes.

After dating an Indian boy on-and-off for 3 years, I suppose it's not surprising that I'm still attracted to Indian boys. I like the culture, the family values, the religion, the beautiful saris, and the boys' smooth, hairless, brown skin and long delicate hands. South Asian boys are nice to kiss because they never leave scruff-burn on your chin. After each of my make-out sessions with Navy Boy - who is an attractive, stereotypically masculine, white boy of German descent - my chin was peeling for days! A girl can not walk around with a peeling chin. It's just not attractive and it raises a host of awkward questions.

Getting back to my pseudo-date on Friday. I met Em's friend for a drink at a wine bar and then went to see "Pan's Labyrinth," a dark fable about doing what you know to be right instead of blindly following (evil) orders. (Another message from the Universe about the evils of LFL? Perhaps.) Did anyone else see that? What do y'all think? The wine bar was cute, the movie was interesting, and overall I had a pleasant evening. But, there was no chemistry. He walked me to my apartment at the end of the night and before any awkwardness could occur, I leaned in and hugged him and thanked him for the evening. We're both Capricorns; it would never have worked. He's a wonderful guy and I genuinely would love to be friends, but I can't see any further dating happening. Hopefully, we'll be friends.

After spending Thursday and Friday with boys, I spent the rest of the weekend with my girls and had a wonderful time. On Saturday, after going to the gym for the first time in months (Yay!!! Lass, I'm coming for you!), I went out for dinner with two of my girl friends to a vegetarian restaurant in the East Village called Angelica Kitchen. The restaurant was awesome! The food was delicious, healthy, and creative, and instead of wine I had carrot juice with fresh ginger. Yum. After dinner, we went for dessert to Mud, a super cool coffee shop with one of the best brownie desserts that I have ever tasted. It was to-die-for.

My two friends are amazing, strong, sensitive, incredible women. We talked a lot about relationships, dating, and the wonderful things about being single. All of us are in similar places, having ended long-term relationships and now excited about being on our own and perhaps a bit wary about getting involved any time soon. One of them asked me why I had decided to go out with Tapas Boy on Thursday, as I have no desire to get into a relationship at the moment and I also have no intention of have random sex with anyone with whom I'm not in a relationship. Her question, in effect, was: Why would I want to go out on a date if I don't want it to lead anywhere either emotionally or physically?

It was a good question and it made me think more about where I'm at in terms of the dating thing. The same question came up a day later while I was out with my friend Pele, having drinks at the Stone Rose Lounge at the Time Warner Center, trying to ignore the Superbowl, talking about her latest boy, who incidentally, is acting like a total sketchball. A month into them dating and being intimate, he tells her that he's had a girl staying at his apartment. As if that wouldn't have been sketchy enough, the girl has been sleeping in his bed! Next to him! In any other city, actively pursuing a woman while having another woman sleeping in your bed would be unquestionably outrageous. In New York, there's this odd acceptance of that type of sleazy behavior, particularly on the part of men. There's almost this assumption that when you first begin dating someone, they'll be dating someone else and probably sleeping with someone else. Instead of kicking his ass to the curb, my friend has been trying to "play it cool" and to not act like an "oversensitive psycho girl." Um, hello. When boys act like lying sketchballs, it is not psycho to kick their asses to the curb. It's eminently reasonable.

Am I the only girl in the city who believes that people should finish one relationship before moving on to the next one? But, even I can't draw a super hard line there because in the last three weeks I've hooked up with one boy (Navy Boy), kissed another (Tapas Boy), gone out on a date with another one (Em's Friend), and agreed to meet another one for a drink (Em's Boyfriend's Friend). I'm almost as bad as them!!!

But, I'm not in relationships with any of those boys. For me the critical distinction is that I'm not sleeping with them, I'm just dating them. The reasons I'm not sleeping with them are numerous. For starters: (1) I don't want any diseases, (2) I'm not ready for that level of intimacy, (3) I don't want a relationship right now and I don't want to sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship, and (4) dating would not be fun for me if it was causing me any anxiety, and sleeping with someone you don't know is a surefire way to cause yourself a heap of anxiety. Some of this reasoning is admittedly circular, however, that's where I'm at.

To answer my friend's question, I want to date because it's fun. Not because I want a relationship, not because I want random, meaningless sex, but because it's fun. It's fun to go out in the city. It's fun to try new restaurants and bars. It's fun to salsa dance with a hot boy. It's fun to have male attention, and it's fun to learn more about different men. It's fun to feel sexy and beautiful while flirting with a handsome man, particularly when the last boy I gave my heart to stomped on it repeatedly, ground it into the floor with the heel of his shoe, and then tossed it aside. My heart is still healing, and I know it's going to take a while for it to feel completely whole. But, I see no reason why I shouldn't have a lot of fun while letting the healing process work its magic.