Making Sad Mixes

Today was not hard until I came back to the apartment (the old apartment, not the new one). I was very productive at first. I did pilates, did the rounds of grocery and liquor stores charming clerks and collecting boxes, and then met a friend for brunch, before coming back to what used to be home.

I wish I didn't have to be here. I wish I could be setting up my new place and starting a new chapter of my life, one that does not involve being in love with him. But, before I can do that I need to say goodbye to this one. I alternate between feeling like it's unfair and strangely cold that he is not here to wade through the remnants of our relationship together, to feeling like it's for the best because seeing him would be too painful. It would muddy up the clean break that he so effectively and deliberately created. Despite my protests. Despite my desire to talk. He said there was nothing else to talk about, and I guess he was right. Males can be so callous.

Being here alone, it's impossible to escape the feelings of sadness and loss while confronted with the emptiness and all of the memories that used to fill up this space. The couch I used to lie on next to him, our pictures and books, his baseball caps, the empty bedroom, the fridge that gets emptier day by day. It's like a tomb.

Tonight, I drank two of his beers, Harpoon I.P.A.s. Surprisingly, they were good. I would have had more but there were only two. I was supposed to be packing and cleaning, but I couldn't do it. It's too sad. Instead, I made mixes I'd been meaning to make, and let myself be carried away by the sadness. I knitted a little in between waiting for songs to download. I know this hurt will pass, but tonight, in this moment, I miss him and I'm so sad he didn't want to make this work.

Some of the songs I listened to reminded me of a long time ago when we used to go out in Michigan. I used to love dancing with him. I regret that we didn't go out dancing in New York this past year. What a waste. Remembering how much fun we used to have, I got pissed at him for throwing this all away. It seems like it would have been so simple to make it work. But, obviously, for him it wasn't.

This would all be so much easier to deal with if there hadn't been - in between all of the the disappointments and hurt - all of the moments when I felt completely content and happy to be with him. I'm having one of those moments when I'm remembering the softness and scent of his skin. It's a bad moment. I don't want to think about those things. They make me want to hold him and then they make me cry. Ah, love.

This is the song that we listened to while driving around Canada on vacation a month and a half ago. At the time I didn't know the words, and I didn't realize how prophetic it was. It's a terribly sad song.

Karma police

Arrest this man

He talks in maths

He buzzes like a fridge

He's like a detuned radio.

Karma police

Arrest this girl

Her hitler hairdo

Is making me feel ill

And we have crashed her party.

This is what you'll get

This is what you'll get

This is what you'll get

When you mess with us.

Karma police

I've given all I can

Its not enough

I've given all I can

But we're still on the payroll.

This is what you'll get

This is what you'll get

This is what you'll get

When you mess with us.

For a minute there,

I lost myself, I lost myself.

Phew, for a minute there,

I lost myself, I lost myself.

For a minute there,

I lost myself, I lost myself.

Phew, for a minute there,

I lost myself, I lost myself.

-Radiohead

What are the songs that make you sad and why?