Saturday, December 02, 2006

Making Sad Mixes

Today was not hard until I came back to the apartment (the old apartment, not the new one). I was very productive at first. I did pilates, did the rounds of grocery and liquor stores charming clerks and collecting boxes, and then met a friend for brunch, before coming back to what used to be home.

I wish I didn't have to be here. I wish I could be setting up my new place and starting a new chapter of my life, one that does not involve being in love with him. But, before I can do that I need to say goodbye to this one. I alternate between feeling like it's unfair and strangely cold that he is not here to wade through the remnants of our relationship together, to feeling like it's for the best because seeing him would be too painful. It would muddy up the clean break that he so effectively and deliberately created. Despite my protests. Despite my desire to talk. He said there was nothing else to talk about, and I guess he was right. Males can be so callous.

Being here alone, it's impossible to escape the feelings of sadness and loss while confronted with the emptiness and all of the memories that used to fill up this space. The couch I used to lie on next to him, our pictures and books, his baseball caps, the empty bedroom, the fridge that gets emptier day by day. It's like a tomb.

Tonight, I drank two of his beers, Harpoon I.P.A.s. Surprisingly, they were good. I would have had more but there were only two. I was supposed to be packing and cleaning, but I couldn't do it. It's too sad. Instead, I made mixes I'd been meaning to make, and let myself be carried away by the sadness. I knitted a little in between waiting for songs to download. I know this hurt will pass, but tonight, in this moment, I miss him and I'm so sad he didn't want to make this work.

Some of the songs I listened to reminded me of a long time ago when we used to go out in Michigan. I used to love dancing with him. I regret that we didn't go out dancing in New York this past year. What a waste. Remembering how much fun we used to have, I got pissed at him for throwing this all away. It seems like it would have been so simple to make it work. But, obviously, for him it wasn't.

This would all be so much easier to deal with if there hadn't been - in between all of the the disappointments and hurt - all of the moments when I felt completely content and happy to be with him. I'm having one of those moments when I'm remembering the softness and scent of his skin. It's a bad moment. I don't want to think about those things. They make me want to hold him and then they make me cry. Ah, love.

This is the song that we listened to while driving around Canada on vacation a month and a half ago. At the time I didn't know the words, and I didn't realize how prophetic it was. It's a terribly sad song.
Karma police
Arrest this man
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He's like a detuned radio.

Karma police
Arrest this girl
Her hitler hairdo
Is making me feel ill
And we have crashed her party.

This is what you'll get
This is what you'll get
This is what you'll get
When you mess with us.

Karma police
I've given all I can
Its not enough
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll.

This is what you'll get
This is what you'll get
This is what you'll get
When you mess with us.

For a minute there,
I lost myself, I lost myself.
Phew, for a minute there,
I lost myself, I lost myself.

For a minute there,
I lost myself, I lost myself.
Phew, for a minute there,
I lost myself, I lost myself.

What are the songs that make you sad and why?


Starshine said...

The song "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox has a deceptively upbeat tempo with some of the saddest and most eloquent lyrics.

Leanne said...

Well, if you really want to cry your eyes out in a flushing-refreshing kind of way, Diamond Rio's "One More Day" is a definite tearjerker. There are quite a few more, Edwin McCain comes to mind as does John Mayer, but Diamond Rio would be the CD I'd grab in your situation.


Buttercup said...

Starshine - I used to love Annie Lennox. "Walking on Broken Glass" definitely fits, but thankfully it reminds me of happier times (oddly).

Leanne - "One more Day" is really sad!

gravelly said...

"My Immortal", can't think of the group, it is the same one that sings "You never call me when you are sober".

Anonymous said...


I am so excited about your accomplishments this week, my god, you did good gorl!!!

Your new apartment with the gorgeous bedroom sounds so fantastic...I am so happy for you.

I hope the room mate is a decent kind person. Sensible. That is the basic best...and if she is more, well then even better!!!! As long as she is polite and reasonable you've got a lot to look forward to, but if she is nice and will have way more peace than you did with that, that....guy. No comment.


I think you are terrific for making the sad tmusic mixes and getting as much music burned onto your own for your future use. Go ahead, record as many of his cd's as possible. I think that is at least something you will take and use and enjoy from your past with him

Oh I just know you are going to feel okay in a couple of weeks. I hope you will post some photos of your deck and view on your blog...I am loving living vacariously through you. You are living the "Cosmo gorl" fact, make sure you buy a Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair after you move into your bedroom and apartment.

How is the kitchen?

I know you feel like shit, but you are processing all of this so well. In the big picture, I am glad you didn't have to deal with Raj around your old apartment while you del with all the moviing and packing.

Six days till you move whoo HOOO!!!!

Buttercup said...

Gravelly, That's another sad one. Of course, so much of it is what a particular song makes someone feel. Music is so individual.

Candyminx - Thanks for the props and I hope you're right that I will feel better in a few weeks. I think I'll definitely feel better once I'm in my new place and not dredging through all of these memories.

Flattering that you say you've been enjoying reading the blog. I feel like this must be the most boring thing ever for people to read; especially since it's probably depressing. But, anyway, I appreciate you reading and commenting!!

When I get to my new place I most definitely will post pictures. I am looking forward to the new place. I think the universe wanted to do something good for me.

Gypsy said...

It's totally ok for you to wallow every once in a while. Sometimes you have to get deep down before you can climb back up again.

I'm only now just getting to the point where, 13 years later, I can hear Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton and not remember what used to be.

InterstellarLass said...

"I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt, album Luck of the Draw.

Chorus: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I listened to this song over and over after my Ex left me. And it helped me. Because it helped me remember that despite anything I did, I couldn't MAKE him love me. I knew I did everything I could, but it just wasn't there.