I Found An Apartment!!

I'm sitting at my desk stunned and, dare I admit, feeling a bit excited after just speaking with the girl from whom I decided last night to sublet her place. Yes, I found an apartment!! Before I get to the details, let me give you a small recap of the hell that was yesterday.

Yesterday, I was at a very, very low point. I was demoralized, discouraged, depressed, sad, mad, and fairly despondent as I slogged through the streets of Manhattan looking at places. I'm not ashamed to admit that I dissolved into tears more than once, and had frequent phone conversations with my friends and sister where, through my sobs, I told them that everything was ruined. I had nothing and my life was destroyed, and it was all Raj's fault (although deep down in my more mature moments, I know it's not - I'll get past this eventually, but not right now). I was feeling very sorry for myself. As I said, I was at a very low point. Apartment hunting in Manhattan will do that to you even without dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of ending a relationship.

In the course of the day, I saw three apartments in Chelsea and Hell's Kitchen, most of which were within a 10 block radius from the apartment in which I used to live with Raj. The apartments were either oddly shaped, dark, or way too expensive (one of them had a broker's fee of $3,000 on it), and all of them left me feeling like they were too close to my former life with Raj. I couldn't imagine waking up each morning have to walk within blocks of his place on my way to work, passing all of the places we used to go together, and wondering what he was doing. It would have been far too depressing, and not a healthy way of trying to deal with getting over him.

At 5:30 pm I took a break from my apartment stress and went to the knitting shop where I had taken the knitting class, Gotta Knit, for a wine and knitting hour. Everything Thursday evening, the store has wine and snacks and customers bringing their knitting and sit around the table and chat with one another while working on their projects. I only stayed for 45 minutes because I had to run to see some other apartments, but it was a pleasant break and I enjoyed meeting the other women, two of whom gave me apartment leads. How sweet is that!

From knitting, I raced up the Upper East Side (UES) to look at another apartment, the apartment that I ultimately decided to get! The apartment is a shared apartment - meaning that it was a 2 BR and one of the girls was moving out, so if I moved in I would be sharing the place with her roommate - and it was actually the only shared apartment that I looked at. As I've mentioned, I really treasure my privacy and my own space, and after living for so many years in a single, the idea of sharing my space with someone I wasn't sleeping with seemed very risky.

But, immediately upon entering the apartment, I got a positive feeling from the space. Both of the girls - the one moving away and the one staying - seem like cool people. The apartment is a two-level space, so upon walking into the front door you see an open space with a kitchen to the right and a living area to the left. My roommate's bedroom and bathroom are farther off to the right. To get to my bedroom, you have to walk up a black spiral staircase that takes you to the second level of the apartment that has a large bedroom, private bathroom, and -here's one of the best parts - two french doors that open up onto a balcony/roof deck! It's actually pretty freaking amazing. I could grow vegetables and herbs out there. The other best part is that the room is painted a beautiful shade of pale lilac, which as you all probably know is my favorite color. Immediately after walking up into that room and being surrounded by the pale purple walls, I could see myself in that space. I could see myself healing, relaxing, and getting through this very difficult time.

So, I made the decision, after about an hour of looking and chatting, to do it. I put in a deposit, and I'm going to be moving in the weekend of December 9th. Holy Crap!! I can't believe it. I had to call the girl this morning before I posted this blog or told any of my friends that I had found a place, just to confirm for myself that it was real and that this hellish part of this transitional time was coming to a close. I can't tell you the relief I'm feeling at the moment not to have to look for more apartments. It's also such a surprise to feel a flicker of excitement about the place I'll be going to next. My heart is still filled with sadness about Raj, and probably will be for a long time, but at least now there's a tiny piece of hope amidst the sadness.

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And you know what, thinking about this more, I'm realizing that I f---ing kick ass. On Monday and Tuesday, I was in a state of despair, but then, with the support of CG, my family and friends, I rallied. Wednesday and Thursday were utterly miserable, but ultimately, through a ton of work, I found a place. In three days!! I took care of myself! All by myself!! I am fucking awesome, and you know what, I'm proud of myself.