Filled With Ashes

Waking up this morning in the silent apartment was sad. I didn't sleep well, and I woke up feeling exhausted, with my eyes puffy and stinging. It was hard to get ready, and, while putting on my eye-shadow, I thought how ridiculous it was that I was spending energy on that. I went back into the bedroom to get a shirt and I saw the picture he has sitting on his bureau, the one with him, his brother, and his sister, where he looks very handsome. The one that, before, always made me contemplate how beautiful his eyes were.

That hurt, and I went to the kitchen cabinet and popped my anti-anxiety pill. I never thought I would take pills for anything. But now, it seems to make sense to dull the edge of anxiety and hurt in order to get through the day. It's helping because I've managed not to cry once today. Ok, I got teary when I saw the picture, and maybe a few tears trickled out as I locked up the apartment and left for work, but other than that, I've managed to hold it together remarkably. Later in the day, when I went to change my desktop background from the picture we took while we were on vacation last month to something else, I came across more pictures of us. Unfortunately, we were looking happy, and it made me so sad. Clearly, I need to collect everything that reminds me of him and put it away somewhere, eventually.

I've spent my day trying not to think about this and focusing on my pro bono client's contested divorce case. We've been in a meeting for most of the day. I've counseled her and hugged her and told her everything was going to be ok, all the while feeling like I had ashes inside of me.

I still haven't figured out if I want to write about any of this. I don't know if it will be more painful months from now to look back on how I was feeling. On the other hand, I like my blog, and I've been committed to writing consistently. The difficult part now, is that the best I can do is try to get through work, while trying not to let these feelings of loss and sadness overwhelm me. They're the only things I have to write about. I don't have any energy for anything else. At least not right now.

I think I'm going to take off some extra days next week and go stay with my family in Houston through the Thanksgiving break. My brother Bacchus is sensitive and caring, and he's also one of the funniest people I know. Plus he has two adorable dogs that will shower me with affection, along with pouncing all over me. I just need to get out of that apartment. It's too much.