Monday, November 13, 2006

Dazed

Things appear to be falling apart on all fronts. Dragon Lady bitched me out once already this morning because I had not been able to review some documents as a result of all the depositions I've had to cover in the last couple months. And, to be truthful, as a result of all these personal issues I was focusing on and trying to resolve. Then, Dragon Lady emailed to say that a box of her documents with her personal notes has gone missing. Guess who is being held responsible for this disaster? Yes, that would me.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed to have a trial at the end of the week on a pro bono divorce case. Can I say how much I hate family law? It is by far one of the most demoralizing areas of the law. My poor client, who I want to help with all my heart, is freaking out, and understandably so, as a lot of the documents we need for her case have been impossible to get because her husband refuses to hand them over. I don't even know if there is going to be a trial yet, which makes focusing on preparing a direct rather difficult.

As far as my emotional state, I'd say I'm a wreck. I was crying for most of the morning, and then around noon started feeling numb and a little dazed. I think it might be the drugs. My psychiatrist, luckily, had prescribed some anti-anxiety medication last week when I was already freaking out about my job and life; before everything else fell apart. Thank god, because I think my eyelids have absorbed as much salt water as they can handle. I look like a red-rimmed, puffy-eyed turtle. At least my skin is smooth. Have you ever noticed that? How crying your heart out ends up leaving you washed out and drained, but with very smooth skin. It's bizzare.

I just want to go home and cry. But I can't go home because I have to work, and because if I go home I'll be surrounded by all of our stuff that is no longer our stuff, but stuff I need to go through and sort, and then pack up, eventually. I feel like I'm walking around with a spear through my heart. The spear is at least six inches in diameter, and it hurts. Oh no, here come the tears again. Gotta go.

4 comments:

Stace said...

Hugs

InterstellarLass said...

Crying is theraputic. The reason your skin is so much smoother is you actually release a lot of toxins when you cry. It's painful now, but you are getting rid of the physical and emotional pain caused by this. You'll get to a point when you feel like you don't have any more tears to cry. And then you'll know that you're on your way to healing. They'll sneak back in every now and then, but believe me, from experience, I know, it's part of the process. HUGS.

Anonymous said...

> I just want to go home and cry.

I think you should seriously consider this. Fuck off from work for a whole week or two and time out at a hotel or (elsewhere) place. Consider the organisation of a serious hiatus as soon as it’s feasibly possible at the least.

> I feel like I'm walking around with a spear through my heart.

I can see how much blood there is pooling up in your apartment but I can’t see you bleeding as much at the workplace in front of the Dragon Shitfuck nor the Damsel in Distress.

I hope that you have access to quality support like this:

> MY POOR CLIENT, WHO I WANT TO HELP WITH ALL MY HEART.

Who's helping poor you, with all of their heart, in the very same way that you're helping this woman right now? I sure hope you’ve got someone in your life that can help you like that.

Parting with a few words of wisdom from my darling beautiful mother in law that have always made me think twice ever since I first heard her say it ~

“When people give a lot to others in a certain way, it’s really what they need & want the most for themselves.”

At least your skin is smooth huh?

Take care ;)

Gypsy said...

Oh, Buttercup. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with work crap on top of personal crap. I know what a painful time this must be for you. Please take care of yourself -- try to surround yourself with things that make you happy and people who support you. I'm thinking of you.