Pieces Of Meat

In my A Matter of Manners post, I explained my #1 Relationship Rule, that Males in Relationships Should Not Talk About Other Women. Several of you left me very thoughtful comments, and I wanted to take a moment to respond.

First, thank you to all of you for commenting on this issue. As women, we are all different, and it is no surprise to me that we have different perspectives and feelings with regard to this issue. The trick, I suppose, is finding partners that vibe with us on the subject. If one women truly has no problem with her partner ogling other women (although this is very difficult for me to believe), and they are in a happy fulfilling relationship, then more power to her. But if another woman does, then either her partner needs to change his ogling ways, or she needs to get a new partner.

Part of me would like to be like Amber, and be fine, for example, with having my boyfriend say J. Alba is "hot." I respect that Amber is cool with that, and I'm glad that she and her boyfriend have an approach that they are both OK with.

But, I'm different. I'm NOT OK with someone I'm dating making me feel like they are ogling or objectifying other women, and that's how I feel when my boyfriend tells me in a certain way and with a certain tone that so-and-so is "hot." Clearly, it makes a big difference how these things are said. I can not stress enough the importance of tone.

Second, I have given the issue of insecurity a lot of thought, and I do not believe that my feelings on this subject stem from a personal insecurity on my part. I happen to think I'm attractive and sexy. But, like most women, I do have some days that are better than others. Unlike the idealized and air brushed pictures of women with which I am inundated each day through magazines, TV, and the movies, I'm not perfect. (Of course neither are they in real life). I'm not perfect, so why would it bring me pleasure to be compared to an artificial image of near perfection?

Even if my feelings on this matter are based in part on some type of insecurity, so what? Should that give my boyfriend carte blanche to stomp on my feelings and make me feel like crap? Wouldn't that be even MORE of a reason for my partner to be sensitive to these issues, so that he didn't inadvertently tap into any such insecurities and make me feel badly? Shouldn't your partner want to make you feel GOOD? What's the point of being in a relationship if it's not one based on mutual love, affection, and making each other feel valued and special? Finally, if I tell my boyfriend that him talking about other women makes me feel less valued by him, shouldn't that be enough for him to stop that type of behavior?

Rather than being about insecurity, the issue for me comes down to R. E. S. P. E. C. T. Sing it Aretha. When my boyfriend objectifies or ogles other women, or makes me feel like that's what he's doing, I don't feel that he is respecting the other women, and I certainly don't feel that he is respecting me. And that's not cool with me. It's part of my feminist consciousness. I don't want to be dating an unaware sexist pig.

Just like he wants someone down with Brown, I want someone down with Feminism. Those parts of our identites are fundamental, and they need to be nurtured and respected.

It's also a matter of respect because I have conveyed my feelings on this subject to every male that I have ever dated. If you tell your partner that you find a certain type of behavior offensive and they continue to do that type of behavior (when this is not some type of behavior associated with their core, unchangeable self), that is NOT respecting your feelings or desires. It's also just plain annoying.

For example, my boyfriend is a meat eater and I'm a vegetarian (mainly). There was a time when I would - usually unconsciously - say such things as "yuck," while watching him prepare raw meat, and when I would make queasy faces watching him consume sausage, turkey, chicken, and bacon. However, he brought it to my attention and he told me that it really bothered him when I made those types of comments. It made him feel like I was criticizing him for eating something he enjoys and that I was being judgmental. Because of his feelings, I changed my ways. It was important to him, and a minor sacrifice on my part.

Maybe my boyfriend has insecurity about his meat eating ways? Perhaps. More likely, he doesn't want a girlfriend who refuses to respect him and the elements about him that he has no intention of changing (and the elements that he shouldn't have to change about himself). He's a meat eater and he likes it that way, and he wants me to accept him for who he is. Likewise, I'm a feminist and I like it that way. I have no intention of changing that about myself, and I want him to accept me for who I am as well.

Now you could say, hold on a second Buttercup. Wouldn't "accepting" your boyfriend mean accepting him for all that he is, including being a boy that talks about other women sometimes? And wouldn't your boyfriend "accepting" you mean accepting you making nauseated faces at him from across the dinner table while he's eating bloody hunks of meat?

Those are valid arguments, but to them I say that it comes down to COMPROMISE. I don't want to change my core self, and I don't want my boyfriend to change his core self. However, on the things that matter less to me, but a lot to him (like his love of meat), I'm willing to compromise and change my behavior to be more sensitive to his needs. Similarly, on the things that matter a lot to me (like not treating women like meat), I expect and hope that he is willing to compromise and change his behavior to be sensitive to my needs.

If I respect him enough not to talk about his meat, then he should respect me enough not to talk about women like they are meat.