Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A Matter Of Manners

Boys (and Ladies so inclined), here's a little tip: Relationship Rule #1: MALES IN RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD NOT TALK ABOUT OTHER WOMEN. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this. It is a basic, fundamental rule.

Talking about other women, objectifying them, checking them out, ogling them, flirting with them, or in any other way making it apparent that you might be fantasizing about another woman or any one of her body parts, or thinking that another woman is more sexy, more beautiful, or in any way MORE than the girl with whom you are involved - while you are in a relationship that you wish to remain a committed and long term relationship, is a big NO-NO. (For all those who wish to destabilize and sabotage their relationships, feel free to disregard this rule.)

It is rude, disrespectful, potentially damaging, it undermines the level of trust in the relationship, and it is a sure-fire way to hurt your partner's feelings. Do you understand? It HURTS when someone you love appears to be ogling someone else. Additionally, it's just plain sketchy, and it makes us feel like we are dealing with a 2 year old that's never going to grow up, take care of his shit, and start treating us like we deserve, nicely and with care, and like we are GOLD. Like you are happy to have us, and like you want to keep us. There are always more fishies in the sea, and there is no need to stay with one with a wandering eye.

It's like this guy that my mom dated that would stare at the waitresses while they were out to dinner. My Mom deserved WAY more than that piece of shit, and eventually she ditched him. Go Mom! Why, if you love and adore someone, would you EVER want to do anything that could hurt their feelings? And why, if you love and adore someone, would you EVER comment upon how hot, sexy, or bodacious another woman is? It doesn't make a lot of sense boys. Guess what, you wouldn't. Not if you really loved us, and not if you cared about our feelings as much as you should. If you really loved us, you would only have eyes for us, and you would make damn sure that we believed that that was true.

From a strategic perspective, it's also just plain foolish to ogle others, especially if you have any desire whatsoever to sleep with your partner, and to have them want and desire you. Please pay attention, because I'm trying to help you. There is nothing that kills amorous feelings quicker than thinking that your guy is fantasizing about another girl. It's called self-respect. That goes for celebrities, co-workers, and any other females, including hair dressers. Women are beautiful in a billion different ways. We know that because we look at and dissect one another every day. We don't need nor want you to point out the obvious. If you want to point out how uniquely beautiful, sexy, hot, and babe-aliscious we are, bring it on. Otherwise, zip it.

We don't need you pointing out that someone is "hot" and smiling a little smile as if you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar while we are innocently enjoying US Magazine, Laguna Beach, 8th and Ocean, Amercian's Next Top Model, or Charmed. Saying someone is "attractive" or "pretty" is not a problem. Appreciating that someone is cute and sassy, that's fine. Objectively ripping apart or offering an opinion on someone's clothes, or look, or in other words acting like our best gay guy friend, even better.

But when you cross the line into teasing about potential sexual attraction, especially when the subject of your potential attraction happens to be teenage girls, when you are almost a grown man of twenty or thirty or more, you've gone too far. It's not funny. It's not attractive. It gives us the heebie jeebies. It makes us question whether we are dating a sexist pig or a pedaphile, or simply a male that does not value us as he should. It doesn't make us feel beautiful and treasured. It doesn't make us want to snuggle with you, or make you a nice dinner, or give you a massage, much less sleep with you. We like sleeping with people who treat us like we are special, valued, loved, and the hottest fucking woman on the planet. Not with boys who act like they could fuck any piece of ass that happened to shake it their way.

So once and for all, there is no need to tell us that Alyssa Milano is a babe. We get that, but that's not why we watch Charmed. We watch Charmed because Piper, Prue, Phoebe, and Paige are witches, they have magical powers that we would like to have, and they kick demon ass. It's nice when you want to watch Charmed with us, but annoying when you make us think that the only reason you're watching it is to check out the T&A. It ruins the positive vibe.

There is no need to tell us that Jessica Alba is a hottie and to frequently bring up the movie Honey. Jessica Alba is foxy and she's plain gorgeous. Not only that, she's classy, appears to be in a stable relationship, and she took on Playboy when Playboy tried to exploit her image and she won. She made loathsome and lecherous Hugh Hefner apologize. She also kicked ass in Dark Angel. We like her, and we're fine with you liking her too. But if all you can see is her amazing bod, then keep that to yourself. It's not a surprise to us.

Same goes for Heidi Klum, Tyra Banks, every model, Kirsten Dunst in Bring It On, Lindsey Lohan and Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls, and every other gorgeous and sexy celebrity that happens to star in shows or movies that we like. We like spending time together with you, but when we are trying to enjoy our favorite TV shows and movies, we don't want to feel like you are confused, and that you mistakenly think you are watching a porno.

If we wanted to watch porn with you, we would to it. But of course, if you are the kind of guy that can't help commenting on T&A, it's probably unlikely that we would want to watch porn with you. It would kind of defeat the whole purpose, unless we were also just looking to get off from the porn and didn't really give a rat's ass about you, which I guess is possible, if you're the kind of guy that just can't keep himself from ogling the T&A of other women.

There is also no need to try to convince us that Marilyn Monroe is a sex-pot, and definitely no need to ever say the following: "Marilyn Monroe is my ideal of feminine beauty." Especially, when the girl you happen to be talking to (which is also the girl you happen to be sleeping with) is 5'10" and slender, with small perky boobs, and long, straight, chestnut brown hair. No need at all.

In fact, this brings me to Relationship Rule #2 (a corallary of Rule #1): MALES IN RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD NEVER SAY THAT A WOMAN, OTHER THAN THE ONE THEY'RE WITH, IS THEIR IDEAL OF FEMALE BEAUTY. This goes for all women, dead or alive. All of the reasons given in support of Rule #1 apply with equal strength to Rule #2. In addition to those reasons, I would just like to add a resounding Duh! I mean really. If you are not going to abide by Rule #2, why not just say to your honey bunch: You are a substandard and inferior model of the female form in my eyes. Thanks bunches Sweetie!

How are you supposed to get excited about sex with someone when they've just told you that you are a substandard and inferior model of the female form in their eyes? I suppose you could just use them for an orgasm, but it would be robbed of the romance that we would all probably prefer to have present, and I'm not sure it would be worth it. No woman should have to share her body and her beauty with someone who doesn't appreciate her.

So boys, if you want us, shape up and kindly abide by the words of advice laid out above. It's just a matter of basic good manners. If you're nice to us, we'll be nice to you.


Wood said...

damn, buttercup.

wordnerd said...


Heather said...

Oh man. Other woman = ideal of female beauty, I am cringing. Women all over the world may have gasped when he spoke those words to you.

I think I remember reading some evolutionary-biology explanation once that since cavemen were supposed to mate with as many women as possible, they are able to be simultaneously attracted to many women without comparing them to each other.

Women, meanwhile, were only supposed to mate with one man, and therefore we cannot be attracted to two men without comparing them to each other.

I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt here, but I guess I am also calling him a caveman.

I like your rules. I am adding them to my (very long) list of Things I Must Teach My Son.

Pas said...

Good rules. Incredibly, really, that it's necessary to articulate them.

Ally Bean said...

Nicely put.

But are men forbidden from talking about other women if they are talking about the brainy aspects of another woman?

Just wondering.

Baraka said...

Amen, sister!

Dutch said...

um, what if you are watching American Idol with your wife and you both can't stop talking about Katharine McPhee's boobs in all their aesomeness?

Amber said...

I disagree.

Just because you are in a relationship, do you stop noticing and appreciating other attractive men? Of course not. It is unfair and unrealstic to expect our partners to deny something so fundamental to human nature. Obviously my boyfriend looks at other women, just as I look at other men - we're both human! And it doesn't bother me in the least when he says he thinks another woman is hot or sexy or whatever. It reaffirms that he is the healthy, happy, red-blooded man I fell in love with!

I am secure enough in our relationship and my own self-image that I don't need for him to pretend that he never notices other women. If he were to start having sex with other women without my knowledge, now, that would be another matter. But let's be realistic here.

Amber said...

And, an amendment: obviously, if your partner tells you some other woman is "the ideal of female beauty," well, he's being stupid. That's just a retarded thing to say. Seriously, who says that? An asshole, that's who. But that is a COMPLETELY different can of worms than simply finding other women attractive.

Jax said...

I think this is the perfect article for every man to read. Every damn word. It has nothing to do with being 'secure' in yourself. In fact, no matter how self-assured and secure a woman is, I have YET to meet one that is FINE with her man being obviously lusting after a woman. Period. She just hides it better than most. It's human nature to not wanna hear it. Amen, BUTTERCUP! About fricking TIME someone came up with the truth and helped out all of us women. BTW, If I find a guy hot, my BF has to BEG to hear it from me, because I don't believe in doing that to him. Period. End of story.

Jax said...

Oh, and by the way, my BF that swears I am beautiful? Has told me many times that Catherine Zeta-Jones is HIS idea of the most beautiful and perfect looking woman in the world. So....what does that make me.....Fifteenth down the line? Thanks, and you wonder why I have insecurities????????

Amber said...

It's human nature to not wanna hear it.

Is it? Then why do I not have a problem with it?

It's not enough to refer to "obviously lusting after a woman." Do I have a problem with my boyfriend finding other women sexually attractive? No. It's natural. I find other men sexually attractive, and he doesn't have a problem with it either. End of story. Do I have a problem with him fantasizing about having sex with other women? No. Because I know that thought and action are two very different things. I may fantasize about any number of things, but most of those are not going to become reality, nor would I want them to.

These are both very different scenarios than one partner not being sexually and emotionally committed to the other, and being deceitful and dishonest. Finding other people sexually attractive does not speak to problems in a relationship; it's so normal as to not be worth mentioning. A problem would be one partner not at all interested in sex with the other, wanting sex with other people instead of with his/her partner... that is, symptomatic of much bigger problems in the relationship.

belledame222 said...

>And, an amendment: obviously, if your partner tells you some other woman is "the ideal of female beauty," well, he's being stupid. That's just a retarded thing to say. Seriously, who says that? An asshole, that's who. But that is a COMPLETELY different can of worms than simply finding other women attractive.<

I've got to say, this would be the bottom line for me as well. Those are two very different things. At any rate, there must be a happy medium between feeling free to acknowledge that yes, one still has fleeting, superficial attractions to all sorts of people even in the midst of a satisfying relationship; and basically telling one's S.O. that she amounts to so much chopped liver.

Anonymous said...

Women nag and complain too much and nothing is ever good enough for you. That's why we get tired of being with you and look at other women. You annoy us to no end!!! Every single woman I've ever been with turns out to be this way at some time or another. Maybe if you'd lay off we would appreciate you more. It's better to stay single and get as much sex as you can.