Super Connected

I am finally 100% fully connected at my apartment! Yay! With the help of one of my friends, Navy Boy, I successfully laid 100 ft of internet cable from downstairs up to my bedroom. This got me internet access on my desk top, but I also had to deal with a mess of pests, viruses, nasty spyware gizmos, and all of their annoying pop-ups. It's like someone was looking at porn on this computer! Not me, of course. After multiple failed attempts, I finally installed Norton Antivirus for 2007, and then watched with glee as it hunted down and eliminated each of the intruders. My sweet little computer is once again surrounded by a safe, impenetrable bubble. I can now work and blog from my desk top, and I have access again to I-tunes. The months of deprivation have come to an end! All is good with the world.

(Note: I'm writing this from the purple haven of my home, and have not yet gone to work this happy, rainy Monday. Expect a bleak email from the office sometime later this evening.)

Kettle To Fire, Or Some Place Less Toasty?

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend, in between staying out (again!) way too late, blowing off work, catching up with my friends, setting up my computer (which has some crazy virus on it and will not let me install the new Norton Antivirus System - aggravation), stringing internet cable from downstairs to my bedroom, and trying out my new running shoes along the East River.

As I mentioned, I've been thinking about jumping ship and leaving my large firm for a much smaller one. Each January after bonuses are given out thousands of associates make similar moves, leaving behind crushing billables and miserable work environments for what they hope will be more bearable existences at so-called "lifestyle" firms. Lifestyle firms are supposed to care about their associate's well being. More importantly, they tend to demand approximately 300 less billable hours than the top legal sweatshops in New York, for a slight pay cut. I could do a lot of yoga, sleeping, socializing, and career planning in 300 hours.

This idea is a dramatic one for me. Until Friday, the thought of jumping to another firm had filled me with dread. I was scared - and still am (note the title of this post) - that going to another firm would be a step to the side instead of a step forward, that I would find essentially the same situation that I'm seeking to leave behind at the new firm, that I would feel like I was selling myself out by not making a clean break and turning my back on corporate American once and for all. However, my new thought is that making the jump to a place that would allow me to cut down my hours substantially, that also allowed me to do pro bono work and had pleasant co-workers, might enable me to do the kind of networking I need to in order to get a public interest position. A part of me wishes that I could just quit without any kind of job lined up, but that idea doesn't feel right to me.

I tentatively shared this plan with my parents tonight. I expected my Mom to want me to stay at my firm, and for my Dad to be supportive of my decision to leave. Instead, what happened was that my Mom was really supportive of my decision to go to a different firm, and my Dad told me he thought I was doing the wrong thing. My Dad knows that I don't like my firm and that I do not see myself at a firm for any significant period of time and he wants me to be happy and follow my passion. I want to follow my passion too, and if a public interest job opened up in New York and they wanted to hire me, I would snap it up in a second. However, I'm not in charge of those things, so instead I need to accept reality as it is and make the best of it.

My reality is that I'm at a firm that I do not like, and haven't liked since I started there and I want to get out. My Dad says that I should admit that I should have quit earlier. I don't find that helpful because (a) I'm trying to deal with the now and (b) I've had reasons to stay and I didn't have attractive alternatives. If I had reached a point that I wanted to quit, I would have.

The point here is that I'm making progress in my thinking, and although the idea of going to another firm makes me feel anxious, it's a relatively painless, speedy way to make an exit from my firm. Headhunters are looking for people at my level all the time and they'll do a lot of the work in terms of setting up interviews, finding openings, etc.

I don't know if it's the right thing. Maybe I'll get to another firm and think to myself that I made a mistake. It's possible. But, if that happens, I can quit that firm (and firm life completely). I don't see what I lose in going to another firm other than the prestige of my more well-known, larger firm - which as I mentioned earlier I shouldn't care about because it's not going to open the doors that I want it to open.

My Mom thinks I'm making the right decision because she wants me to stay in the firms and be secure. My Dad thinks I'm making the wrong decision because he wants me to quit flat out and is afraid that I'll be just as miserable in a different firm as I've been at this one. Both of them want me to be happy and are just trying to think of what's best for me. It must be difficult for parents to watch their children find their way.

Here are some things that I want:

I want to get out of this job.
I want to get out of this job within about two months.
I want to be able to go to the gym 3 times a week, or more.
I want to eat healthfully, and I do not want to order in at my desk after 8:00 pm.
I want to work with people who appreciate and respect me and who don't treat me like I'm a worthless moron.
I don't want to dread going to work each day.
I don't want to be unmotivated and depressed from being at work.
I want to be financially secure, for now.
I want to have health benefits.
The idea of bumming around jobless makes me feel anxious, although it's also incredibly appealing and I think everyone else who has ever had the courage to do it is amazing.
I want to have time for my social life.
I want to be happy right now.
Not in 5 months, not in a year, not in 10 years.
Right now.

I don't know if jumping from this firm to a smaller one will get me all of that, but it may get me a lot of it. Under the circumstances, it's looking like a positive step. But, I just felt a sliver of anxiety in my chest and can hear the echo of my Dad's words telling me that he fears I will be just as miserable in a different firm. It's an echo of my own fear.

I don't know. But I won't know until I try. And short of quitting without a job, I don't have any other alternative at the moment. So, why not be less miserable at a different place that would give me the time I need in order to get to where I want to be?

Musings From The Dark Side

I have regained a bit of perspective since yesterday's moment of weakness when I contemplated continuing my pact with the devil. It's true Bubbles, Satan is calling me to do her bidding in the form of a new interesting case that would keep me in the rat race for at least 6 more months while the world and my life pass me by. I know this is true, hence my reference to the "Devil's Advocate."

See, I'm not miserable! I'm darkly humorous. In seriousness, a few of you have commented to me that I sound miserable and that I should get out. I hate that I sound miserable and I'm disappointed in myself for sending out vibes of miserableness into the universe through this blog. My feeling on people who are miserable has always been that they should stop bitching and whining and do something about the source of their misery. I hope that I have not sounded (in general) on this blog like I am just bitching and whining - eventhough that can sometimes be very therapeutic. When I talk about my job, and particularly Dragon Lady, I can understand how I sound miserable since I frequently express how much I hate it. Sometimes, like yesterday, I get down and I can also understand how talking about that could lead my readers to believe that I am miserable.

I don't think of myself as miserable. I can assure you that when I'm away from my job, in the evenings or on the weekends, I'm quite happy and engaged with the world. Even at work when I'm spewing off a tirade about how much I hate work, I'm not miserable. It actually gives me great happiness to be able to express how f-ed up I think everything about my job is.

However, there is more than a grain of truth in the assertion that I may be miserable because in some sense I guess I am. I'm miserable in the sense that I am very aware of how much of my potential I am wasting by staying at this firm, for not taking the plunge out of the rat race. I'm also afraid of what life on the other side would look like, and it makes me miserable at times to know that fear might be playing a roll in keeping me here. I'm just being honest.

I guess I would say that my soul is in a state of misery more often than it would like because of in large part my current position. However, I'm a lot stronger than I used to be, and whereas I felt genuinely miserable my first year at the firm, I've toughened up and no longer feel torn to emotional shreds by my daily reality.

I'm rambling, but being this introspective and contemplating the precise nature of my state of miserableness is challenging. It's going to take some more thought on my part. I'll think about it more this weekend.

I also wanted to respond to a comment by Racy Li who wrote: "Think of your job like an abusive boyfriend; you really want to stay with him because for various reasons it is helping you a lot, but the problem is he keeps bitch-slappin' you into the ground." Amen, sister. I hope you will not think of me as taking anything away from the experience of women who are actually in abusive relationships when I say that her words rang true. My firm and a lot of the people I work with are abusive, and they do attempt to rip you down as a way to keep you in line while at the same time occasionally pumping you up and dangling various carrots in front of your eyes.

This comment also got me thinking about what I get from this firm, and what the various reasons are that I stay. I guess I have stayed because of security (including financial security), prestige (god damned ambition!), my pro bono work (which is still continuing), the chance to gain experience, and the hope that this opportunity will open up other doors (which it has by, for example, allowing me to connect with public interest organizations through my pro bono work).

This afternoon I had tea with Sebastian, my friend who gave notice on Tuesday and in so doing became my idol. During our conversation, he commented that Eastern philosophers believe that happiness is attained through eliminating desire, not in the fulfillment of desire. Sebastian has been in this rat race for years, in large part due to the ambitions of youth which drove him to excel in school and at work. He told me that he believes that he has to eliminate that career ambition - that desire for prestige and professional success - in order to attain happiness. Essentially, he needs to turn his back on the allure of the rat race to attain a more meaningful life.

I am in complete agreement with Sebastian and I know in my heart that I need to do the same thing, ultimately, in order to attain a lasting happiness for myself. Sebastian has broken free, and for that he is my hero, but the rats still have their claws in me.

It's scary, bloody work to rip the rats away. They're claws run deep, and they bite when provoked.

Devil's Work

So much for my first resolution, to go to the gym three times a week. The first week of January is not shaping up so well. I've had to stay late at the office for most days this week, including tonight where I was stuck in a meeting and had to miss therapy! I'm so annoyed.

I've been put on a new case set to go to trial in the Spring. The next few months are going to be rough, but they're also going to be interesting because I'll be doing completely new things. Based on tonight's team meeting, the people on the case are cool. None of them have Dragon Lady's habit of treating the people under them like they are worthless morons, so that was refreshing. I might even like working with these people! It will also be a good opportunity to rehabilitate my reputation; apparently Dragon Lady may have given me a poor review. Not that I'm surprised by that.

I'm slightly alarmed that I think this case might be interesting. What does that mean for my plans to leave soon? I can already sense that I could get sucked in to thinking this could be a positive experience, and thinking about everything that I could learn. It's the same thing I thought when I first decided to come to the Firm. The opportunity to learn and gain experience is not a good enough reason to stay somewhere - I'll learn anywhere I go - but yet it tugs at me. It appeals to the side of me that despises Dragon Lady for many things, including for the negative way she has colored my experience at the Firm.

This new case is going to be challenging and I like being challenged. On the other hand, it's probably going to entail working late most days and on the weekends (something I have been loathe to do), and will be hell on earth while we're preparing for trial in earnest. The whole thing will probably settle before we go to trial anyway, conveniently right after we do all of the prep work (of course), so I can't count on a trial experience in my near future.

I think a part of me is still on the fence about whether I want to cut my losses entirely here, or whether I want to try to make one final push to turn this experience into a more positive, enriching one.

I can't believe that, but I think it might be true. I need to talk to my therapist and figure this out. I can't possibly really want to stay here for six more months, especially when those months will be hell on earth... Now if only this meeting hadn't interfered with my therapy appointment, maybe I would have made some personal headway on this issue.

Hmmm.... My job interfered with my life again. Shouldn't that tell me my answer right there?

Thursday Thirteen #22

Thirteen Resolutions For 2007

1) Exercise: My number one goal for the new year is to start going to the gym at least 3 times a week. Ideally, I would like to run and lift weights 3 times a week, and then do a couple of yoga and/or pilates classes to supplement the cardio and weight training.

2) Drink More Water: I've become lazy in my water drinking habits. My nalgene bottle has become musky and I haven't gotten around to cleaning it, and I hate wasting plastic cups at work. The result has been that my water intake has plummeted. I need to get back to carrying around my water bottle and finishing at least a liter a day.

3) Write In My Journal: In the last couple of months I've written regularly on the blog (apart from over Christmas break), but have not written regularly in my journal. They are very different mediums and I think getting back into the habit of journaling, along with blog writing, would be good in terms of my emotional health and longterm planning. Whenever I journal regularly, I have a sense of knowing myself and being on top of things that I sometimes lack when I let it slide.

4) Sleep: I need 8 hours of sleep per night. When I get less than that I start to unravel in all kinds of ways. In order to take care of myself, I am going to try to get 8 hours regardless of work and social activities. Taking care of me should come first, no matter what.

5) Communicate Regularly With Friends and Family: My friends and family are the most important things in my life, but sometimes because of everything else going on I sometimes neglect them by falling out of touch or doing things like not remembering their birthdays (I'm horrible at that). I want to be a better communicator because feeling connected to them makes me happy.

6) Remember Birthdays: Thinking about how horrible I am at this, I've decided that it should be it's own resolution. It brings me so much happiness when my friends and family remember my birthday; there is no excuse for me failing to do the same for them, regardless of how stressed out I am.

7) Get A New Job: It's funny to me that this ended up as #7, and it makes me wonder if I'm prioritizing finding a new job as much as I should be doing right now. I've hated most parts of my job since three months after starting at the firm, as all of my friends can attest to. That was over 2 years ago. I've stayed for a number of reasons and have gotten a lot out of the experience, but I don't think I want to be here a year from now. Life is too short to spend most of my days in a place that I really dislike, and that brings me so much stress.

8) Stay Motivated: My work environment is demoralizing and oftentimes nasty, and it's hard to stay motivated to make positive changes. Monday through Friday I'm often functioning at one of two extremes: Either so busy I have no time to eat, exercise, or sleep or actively blowing everything off by looking at celebrity web sites because I'm so filled with loathing and/or exhaustion. I hate the pendulum swings and my inability to maintain a healthy, focused perspective. I need to carve out time to contact people about jobs and send in applications. I need to stay motivated.

9) Cultural Events: I'm reaching now, but I would like to spend more time enjoying the cultural attractions of New York such as museums, art exhibits, and various performances. I've only been to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Guggenheim. Sacrilege when surrounded by so many amazing museums!

10) Develop My Friendships In NYC: This is not so much of a resolution as a description of what I've been doing more of since November. Since then, I've seen how many wonderful friends I have right here in New York, and I've also met a number of new people. I've been expanding my social circle, deepening my friendships, and having a lot of fun.

11) Meditate: I've been wanting to try meditation for over a year now. All it takes is sitting down, closing my eyes, and trying to clear my mind, and yet I have not made even 5 minutes for that. I'm going to start this weekend.

12) Clear Out Old Stuff: As all of my mover-boys discovered, I've been carting around boxes of stuff for years. I hate being attached to material things, but I have a tough time letting things go, including old letters and papers, old clothes, items given to me as gifts that I never use, etc. Since moving into my new apartment I've done a pretty awesome job - if I do say so myself - at downsizing. I've donated and trashed giant garbage bags full of stuff. My new roommate has been inspirational; she gets rid of anything she doesn't use after one year. Incredible.

13) Take Another Class: I had so much fun in my knitting class, I definitely want to take another class soon. I'm torn between something fun like belly dancing or something mentally stimulating like a language or art class. Talking with one of my friends last night about Dante I started thinking about taking a literature class to read some of the classics I missed when I was younger.

EXTRA: I'm going over 13, but I have to mention my resolution to be an awesome Auntie. I'm already an honorary Auntie for some of the special children in my life, but in April, for the first time I will be a "real" Auntie when Bean gives birth to a baby boy. I am so excited for Bean and her growing family, and I'm so happy to be a part of it.

What's your #1 resolution for 2007?

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

My Friends Are Escaping

I am sitting at my desk trying not to sink into a deep well of despair. At the same time, I'm elated because one of my friends at the Firm, Sebastian, just gave notice and another one, Em, is planning to do it this afternoon. They are escaping.

Em has an offer from another firm but she's waiting for them to give her the final go ahead before she gives notice. She's been waiting for days and can hardly sit still. She wants to be on her way out of here so badly.

Sebastian is quitting without having another job lined up. He is my idol. I am awestruck by his ability to take this leap into the unknown. He's been at the Firm for a year longer than Em and me, and he is the only person who possibly hates this place more than I do. I liked him immediately.

I don't know what I'm going to do without them! Sebastian makes me laugh with his deadpan darkness, and Em is a positive light who somehow has retained perspective throughout these past two years of toxicity. A part of me is so sad that they're leaving.

A bigger part of me is about to freak out because I'm not leaving too. I'm trying to get a grip and remind myself that it is only January 3rd, two days after returning from break, and that I could not have done anything on the job front during the past two months. My new plan has been to come back from break and then throw myself into finding a new job, so I'm really not behind. I'm on schedule.

Except that yesterday, on my first day back, it took only a few hours for the toxicity to grab a hold of me again and start wearing me down. I came back from vacation sleep-deprived but emotionally revived, optimistic about the new year. By mid-day I could feel my good mood and motivation seeping away under the crush of new assignments, a nasty run in with a glaring Dragon Lady, and a sense of depression that I was still here. I came into the office determined to go to the gym, but that plan got smashed because of a case that kept me here until 3 am.

There is no time for going to the gym, for being healthy, or for getting one's life in order while working at a hell-hole that thinks nothing of demanding its associates to work until 3am. I want to cry and jump around and scream that it's not fair. Because it's not; life should not be this way.

But, I digress. I am so happy for my friends. I want to be in the same position that they are in today, and hopefully I will be in the next few months. I just have to get my ass in gear.

Bars, Clubs, and Parties, Oh My!

The last few days of holiday celebrations have been a whirlwind of parties, dinners, new experiences, and new people. With staying up until 4 or 5 am each night, drinking way too much, and running around the city all day, I've had little time for blogging or sleeping, but I have to admit I've had a blast.

I came back to New York at the end of last week after spending the holidays with my family in Houston, Texas. My first night back I went out with one of my close friends from college, Pele, and a group of her college friends to Puck Fair. Most of the guys were what I would describe as typical frat boys. They were big drinkers, not terribly interesting, socially unaware, and a little full of themselves. Initially, I felt awkward in the group, as I sometimes do in situations that call for meaningless small talk. I can turn on the charm when I need to and talk about books, traveling, politics, and other things I'm genuinely interested in with people I'm interested in getting to know, but have no interest in talking for the sake of talking.

During the course of the evening I ended up meeting two other men at the bar who were not part of the college group, both of whom worked for Apple. They were nice guys and gave me a lot of information about the changes happening over at Apple and it's transition to becoming Windows friendly. I allowed them to buy me a beer and then noticed that one of them, who was clearly very interested in chatting me up, had a wedding band on his finger. Immediately, I lost any respect for him that might have developed. The idea that married men go around town chatting up pretty young things is disgusting to me. I would never want my partner to do that, and I most certainly am not going to be one of those skanky, men-centered-women who sell their sisters down the river behind their backs. I ended up excusing myself from the two men to rejoin my friend's group, but not before the married man gave me his card and told me he would like to get together with me. Men can be such pigs.

When I rejoined my friend's group, they were in the middle of a game of quarters. Apparently their development stopped sometime around freshmen year of college. Not that drinking games are a bad thing, and not that I didn't join in with competitive zeal. It's just that I think men in their late 20s and 30s should have developed past the point of getting trashed over drinking games as their main method of social interaction. At one point, the guys started betting each other to do gross things. One of the guys, an investment banker that gave off an unmistakable sexist vibe and also had a disturbing habit of forcefully pushing the women next to him for emphasis as he was speaking, took $10 to drink a nasty concoction of the warm backwash-filled leftovers of the beer bottles littering the table. Pele and I joined in the betting, her offering $20 to whomever would drink a half bottle of ketchup and me giving verbal encouragement. I never bet money.

In the midst of this, as the testosterone energy was getting amped up, our waitress delivered 4 car bombs to the table, three to our friends and one to Pele and I. I rarely do shots, so immediately declined, as did Pele. The guys focused on us and started urging one of us to drink the shot. We kept saying no thank you, when all of a sudden the I-banker pulled out a $50 and put it in front of me. Pele and I both glanced at the $50 for a second, both of us mentally calculating what our cab fare home at the end of the night would cost and me gauging how much more hungover I would be after another drink and whether it was worth it. We arrived at the same conclusion. She swept up the $50, I downed the shot, and the money disappeared into my bag. Apparently, I can be bought for $50! I would have felt bad for taking the boy's money, except that a bet is a bet. If he didn't want to lose the $50 he shouldn't have put it down, and if he really thought I couldn't handle the car bomb, he deserved to be corrected.

Two days later, after I had almost recovered from my night with the frat boys, my brothers came into town for the DJ Tiesto show at Crowbar. Before the show, the three of us had dinner at Angelo & Maxies with our mom's cousin and his daughter, who also lives in New York. We hadn't seen each other in years and had such a great time catching up. The food, wine, and conversation were all excellent, and I loved spending time with my brothers in that setting. I'm not sure what my mom's cousin's daughter is in relation to me (second or third cousin?), but regardless she was super cool and I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again. She's yet another person who was here in New York all along, a part of the rapidly expanding social circle I didn't realize I had until relatively recently. Ever since I shut the door on my last relationship, all of these other relationships and opportunities have materialized. It's been amazing.

After dinner, my brothers and I, along with Pele, went to see DJ Tiesto. By the time we arrived, a little past 11 pm, the line to get into Crowbar was insanely long. I was ready to wait it out, but suddenly Bacchus, who had gone up ahead with Frey, started waving me towards the front of the line. Apparently Frey slipped the bouncer $100 to get us in ahead of everyone else. The main dance floor of Crowbar was packed (as the above picture attests to), a writhing mass of bodies moving to the beats of the music. Frey surprised me again by dropping another $100 to get us upstairs to a lounge area overlooking the dance floor with it's own bar and a lot of space to move around in. I had no idea my brother rolled like that. The show was good. I'm not a huge fan of electronica (I like dancing to hip hop the best) but we all had a great time. My brothers amused me by basically acting like my body guards. Any time a male got too close to me (in their opinion), they moved in and made it clear that the guy should look elsewhere. At 6'1" and 6'3" they're quite persuasive when they want to be. We danced until about 5 am, then grabbed some food at a diner near my apartment before crashing at my place. My legs are still pleasantly sore from dancing.

The next night was New Year's Eve and my flatmate's boyfriend's dinner party. My brothers left my place early in the afternoon, after we had all woken up feeling extremely hung over, sleep deprived, and massively dehydrated, and then headed back to my brother's place in Connecticut. I headed out for some much needed coffee and a mani and a pedi. I found my new favorite red nail polish color: After Sex by Essie. My toes looked spectacular. I also treated myself to a 10-minute Thai back massage because I really needed it and I totally deserved it.

My flatmate's boyfriend is an extremely successful older gentleman who is very well connected in New York. He kindly invited me to the New Year's Eve dinner party he was hosting at his brownstone on the UES; a fully catered, lavish affair with many members of New York's upper crust in attendance. I was initially a bit hesitant to attend because, frankly, I knew there would be a lot of older people and I was worried the evening would be more conservative than what I would want a New Year's celebration to be. However, ultimately I decided to go and brought Pele as my date, the two of us deciding that regardless of how the evening went, we would surely come out of it with a good story or two.

I'm so happy I went because I ended up having a terrific time. Pele and I were the babies of the group, but there were people in their late 30s and 40s so we did not feel out of place. I met a number of fascinating people, had great conversations, and totally held my own with the sophisticated crowd. After the party, Pele and I went out for champagne and port with two men in their late 30s who were particularly interesting. One of them was Norwegian and absolutely gorgeous, but married, and the other one was his close friend. Hanging out with them was such a stark contrast to my evening with the frat boys. These two men both had a quiet confidence about them, were very smart, funny, and creative, and could talk about anything from indie music to film to relationships. Talking with them, it was the first time that I could actually imagine myself dating a man in his late 30s - not them, but someone in their age range.

I hadn't realized that men older than me could be so hot. And I'm not talking at all just about physical attractiveness, although there was that too. I'm talking about a confidence that comes with age from knowing yourself and being comfortable in your own skin, something many younger men seem to lack (and I think the reason a lot of them act like such immature asses). Thanks in particular to the hot Norwegian, my new dating range has now officially expanded all the way up to age 39.

I didn't get home on New Year's Day until 4:30 am and just barely managed to shrug out of my cocktail dress before crawling into bed. I'm back at work today and a part of me is relieved that the holiday partying has come to an end. Living on holiday candy, no sleep, and alcohol is not a sustainable way to live. It was, however, a perfect way to ring in the new year.

Magpies United

Every time I come home to my family, it's a bit of an emotional roller coaster. It's been that way for as long as I can remember; since I left for college and the place where my parents were became a place that I visited rather than where I lived. Part of the drama stems from the fact that my parents are divorced and thus necessarily live apart from one another, requiring my siblings and I to shuttle back and forth between two houses whenever we come home.

Since the 8th grade, I've had two bedrooms, two houses, two families, and two of every holiday celebration. Growing up - in my middle school and high school years - my brothers, sister, and I rotated between both houses on a two-week schedule designed to give all parties a fair share of weekday and weekend time together. Though it was a cause of frustration at times, I give my parents a lot of credit for creating and sticking to that schedule. It is not every child that is lucky enough to have two parents so committed to being there for them, despite the obvious logistical difficulties.

For the holidays we split the key days in half and alternated the split in favor of a different parent each year. For example, we generally spent a few days before Christmas, Christmas Eve, and Christmas morning with one parent, and then Christmas afternoon and the days after with the other parent. The following year we would flip it, so that whichever parent had us for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning the year before would get us instead for Christmas afternoon and the days following it.

No matter how carefully the time was divided, someone was always alone and someone was always missing. That is the one truly sad thing about divorce to me; once a divorce occurs, unless your parents are those rare individuals who can tolerate being in one another's company, there will always be someone missing at any given time. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish my parents could get together on the holidays; that we could be one big extended family, instead of two disconnected ones. I wish that, even though I have accepted that it's not going to happen.

Another cause of emotional tension is that my parents, and my time in each of their homes, are so different from one another. At my mom's house, there's just the four of us kids and my mom. She spoils us, tries her hardest to make every minute she has with us perfect (an impossible goal), and showers us with a lot of love. There's excitement, joy, and affection, as well as stress, irritation, and sometimes anger, and it's all genuine and out in the open. I love that about my family; we don't hold things in and we don't believe in sugarcoating. I always know where I stand with them. At my dad's, things are a bit different in certain respects. There, the house is filled at Christmastime with my entire stepfamily, including infants and tweens, along with my dad and the four of us kids. In my dad's house, there is a great deal of love, but a lot more rules. Conflict is kept more hush-hush, and my siblings and I are often far from the center of things. Neither house is better than the other, and I wouldn't give up either one. They both have things I find wonderful and look forward to whenever I visit. However, the differences can sometimes be disconcerting.

This Christmas, my siblings and I spent the days before Christmas and Christmas morning with my mom, and then drove 45 minutes from The Woodlands to Katy to spend Christmas afternoon and the days following it with my dad. I sat in the back of my brother Bacchus's car watching the stripmalls of Houston pass by, catching snippets of my brothers' conversation over the thumping bass of Bacchus' car stereo, thinking about other times the three of us, with Bean, had traveled from one house to the next. I heard a Blind Melon song ("All I can say is that my life is pretty strange") and "Everything's Zen," by Bush, two songs I hadn't heard in years, and thought back to times when I used to drive my mom's white volvo across town in Connecticut with my brothers and sister in tow, when Frey and I were home from college and Bacchus and Bean were too young to drive.

I found myself thinking about how much I loved my brothers and sister, and how lucky I am to have them. Through all of this family drama - the good, the bad, and everything in between - my brothers and sister have been right there with me. They have their flaws (like me) and sometimes drive me absolutely insane, but I could not imagine my life without each of them. If roller coaster is what it's got to be, there is no one I would pick over them to ride along with me.

Great Success

I've been in Family Land for the past week and am on my way home today. Overall, it was less emotionally tumultuous than usual with several pockets of solid bonding and happiness. Everyone appeared to like their presents and there was only minor yelling. Great Success (Thanks to my brothers, several of Borat's phrases have taken up permenant residence in my brain. I'm hoping the condition is temporary).

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today, shockingly and unbelievably, I turned 32! I have all these thoughts percolating about my 31st year and where I am right now in the present moment, and eventually I'm sure a decent post will come out of it all. But for now, I have no time to indulge myself in looking anywhere but at my Christmas to-do list, which still contains a few gaps that I need to fill in with gifts for family members.

Thankfully, traveling from New York to Houston came off without much delay. I feel for all the poor people stuck in Denver! I was so tired this morning because after Em's party I ended up going back to my place and cleaning and packing until almost 3 am. Waking up this morning at 7:30 was not fun. But, I rallied and since I got to my destination on time I really have nothing to complaint about. Em's party was great and the food was delicious. She and her boyfriend M made vegetarian stuffed shells and asparagus just for me! So sweet! She also had these delicious chocolate-mint cookies that a friend of hers had brought (made with melted andes candies swirled atop each chocolate cookie) and Mississippi mud pie. Not a bad spread by any standard.

In terms of birthday celebrating, my mom gave me my presents after we got back from the airport. She got me a beautiful cashmere sweater from Ann Taylor and a gift certificate to Ohm Spa, a spa Bean discovered for us, along with a book of three of Jane Austen's novels. My mom's awesome like that. I'm so excited to get back to the city to use my certificate. Heavenly massage, here I come. I also just recently heard (at Em's actually) that the Red Door and Oasis Spa were also good spas in the City. They're now on my list. I also got wonderful calls from my friends wishing me Happy Birthday. Two even sang in their messages! I'm a lucky girl. Nothing else of note has happened today, except that the guy sitting next to me thought I was 26 or 27. Excellent! Apparently his eye sight is failing him which explains why he did not note my traitorous smile lines and grey hairs.

But enough of that, it's my birthday and I'm off to shop and then going out to dinner with my mom at some snazzy place in The Woodlands. I might see my brothers too, which would be cool. Today, when Bacchus asked me how old I was, I said "28," and he said, "I didn't realize we were twins." Yep, it's true Bacchus; we've reached that point. This is as old as I'm getting. Bacchus and Frey will soon have what they've secretly coveted, the uncontested right to call themselves the oldest in the family. I no longer feel the need to defend that title.

Thursday Thirteen # 21

Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Thirteen Things I Need To Do Before December 24th

1) Work. Draft a response to a counter-claim in an insurance case. Kill me now. I have 6.5 hours before I have to get out of here. Wish me luck.

2) Pop by the knitting store, Gotta Knit!, after work so that I can figure out how to finish my scarves before I wrap them up as gifts.

3) Pick up party supplies. I need to buy a bottle of wine and some goat cheese from the market in Grand Central for my friend Em's holiday dinner party tonight. She's making stuffed shells based on an old family recipe and cooking for 16!

4) Arrive at Em's on time come hell, high water, or a 6 pm call from the partner on my insurance case.

5) Par-tay. There's going to be a great group of people at Em's tonight, along with a healthy supply of drinks, food, and good music. I'm ready to kick off the holiday celebrations, and if I do say so myself, I look pretty damn fine today.

6) After Em's, I'm stopping by another party down in the village for a friend who's coming back into town. That should also be fun, but I can't stay out too, too late because of #7.

7) Pack. I have an early flight tomorrow morning out of Laguardia to Houston, where I'll be spending the holidays with my family.

8) Pack. Yes, it's on here twice. I have a lot of packing to do, and at this rate it will all probably happen in the wee hours of the morning. Not that there's anything unusual about that.

9)Arrive at the airport on time (are you getting the sense that I'm a little stressed about the timing of all of this?). I've never taken a cab from the UES so I'm slightly nervous, but I'm sure it will go fine. It's New York after all, and there are cabs everywhere.

10) Celebrate my b-day! Tomorrow, December 22, I turn, eh hem, 32. Ok, technically, celebrating my birthday is not something I have to do, but it's something I'm going to do because, hello, it's my birthday! I'll spend most of it flying, as I do most years, but then I'll arrive in TX, relax, and do something celebratory with my Mom that evening. Since 40 is the new 20, I guess I'm turning 16 tomorrow. Yeah! Now if only I had a car.

11) Finish my Christmas shopping. In light of the fact that I started my Christmas shopping on Saturday, I'm in excellent shape. However, I still have a few things I need to pick up.

12) Wrap all of my presents. It's become a tradition of sorts that I spend part of the 23rd or 24th wrapping presents, usually assisted by Bean, with Bacchus acting crazy in the background, and all of us listening to our latest music mixes. Last year there was a lot of rap; this year, I'm expecting electronica. It's something I look forward to every year because I get solid one-on-one QT with them.

13) Finish my freakin' hours. God, I hate billables.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Me Underneath Me

I'm in disguise today. On the surface, I look like a somewhat dressed down attorney in black slacks, black walking shoes, and a black zip-up sweater. (All black because I take glee out of wearing mourning attire to my job). But, underneath my conservative-looking garb is actually the subversive statement pictured at left. Yep, that's right, and I'm damn proud of it. My uber-sweet friend Wood sent me a care package a few days ago that included this t-shirt from Mighty Girl. I think it's hilarious and I plan to wear it out soon to the bars just so I can blog about the response.

In other news, Dragon Lady is still a complete and utter bitch! Shocking isn't it? The nasty wench called me up today out of the blue to bitch me out for having to "track me down" after sending me an email request "a week ago." What's the biggest problem with that, you ask? She's confused. The bi-atch sent me the request at 9:21 pm Thursday night. I replied first thing Tuesday morning. By my count, I responded to her with the answer to her question in 2 business days, not 5. And, do you know how hard it was for her to track me down? She picked up the phone and dialed my extension. Oh my god! That must have been such an ordeal for her. Fucking Bitch.

Through gritted teeth, after saying that I did not think a week had passed and that I did not realize she wanted the answer immediately, I added a terse, "I'm sorry if you were waiting," which pretty much felt like I was force feeding myself gravel. She responded after a moment of tense silence punctuated only by her heavy breathing, "I have another call," and then hung up. God, I hate that woman.

I called my friend Essa immediately after the nasty wench hung up on me to vent my rage. Every time I have to interact with her every single cell in my being decides that I have to leave this firm RIGHT NOW.

Sigh.

Per the counter at the end of my blog - that I haven't yet changed - today would have been only 15 days until I was going to give my two weeks notice to this hell-hole under my original plan. Alas, with the chaos of the last couple of months, I had to change the plan. I'm ok with that because I know that I've been doing what I need to be doing, and I'm supremely impressed with myself for how I've handle everything so far.

The truth is that I would have had to change my original plan even if all of the personal issues hadn't exploded in November. I have two pro bono cases that are lasting longer than expected, and as they stand right now, I probably won't feel comfortable leaving them until at least February. My new revised plan, Plan C if you will, is to go enjoy the holidays and then come back and make finding a new job my #1 priority in life.

Now, if only the fucking bitch from hell would leave me alone, everything would be just fine. If she calls me one more time, she's going to leave me no choice. I'm going to have to walk into her office with my sweater zipped open and show her who I really am and what I really think of her.

Male Monsters, Polygamy, and Inequality

Below are my impressions of the last three books that I read. In writing out my thoughts, I realized that all of the books have a connection to feminism, though in the case of Frankenstein the feminist connection is through the author and less so through her novel. In all of the books women are murdered by males, and in two of the books, polygamy and its use in the subordination of young girls and women is explored to varying degrees. I highly recommend Under the Banner of Heaven and Princess.

Under The Banner Of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith, by Jon Krakauer: I'm a huge fan of Jon Krakauer and years ago devoured Into the Wild and Into Thin Air, both powerful, gripping books. In Under The Banner of Heaven, Krakauer takes a different path and explores the relatively recent foundations of the Mormon religion and the roots and present-day practice of polygamy through an examination of the murders of a mother and her child by her Mormon fundamentalist brothers-in-law, the Lafferty brothers.

Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, allegedly received the infamous "Celestial Marriage" (aka polygamy) revelation from God on or about July 12, 1843. God allegedly instructed Joseph that: "If any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another..., then he is justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him... And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore he is justified... But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed; for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to this commandment." (Under The Banner of Heaven, p. 127).

How singularly convenient for men and inconvenient for women! The back story on Joseph is that by the time he disclosed this divine "revelation" he was married, having affairs with multiple women, and his wife, Emma, was growing increasingly enraged with his infidelity. Krakauer writes, "Emma harangued Joseph so relentlessly about his philandering that the original intent of the revelation canonized as Section 132 seems to have been simply to persuade Emma to shut up and accept plural wives - while at the same time compelling her to refrain from indulging in any extracurricular sex herself." (Under the Banner of Heaven, p. 126).

I give Joseph props for coming up with such an outrageous justification for his infidelity, but I'm appalled that his followers decided to believe in the divinity of his twisted rationalization. Of course, it was in the interests of Joseph's male followers to believe in the revelation because like Joseph they stood to profit mightily from a male-dominated system of polygamy. For some time, Joseph and the leaders of the Mormons kept the revelation and the practice of polygamy a secret from the rest of their followers. The disclosure of the revelation ultimately lead to a schism between what is today the modern Church of Latter Day Saints ("LDS"), who publicly denounces polygamy, and the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints ("FLDS") who continue to practice polygamy openly in towns throughout the Midwest and in Canada and Mexico.

I was most disturbed by Krakauer's accounts of the present day practice of polygamy - a practice that is marred by, in addition to severe gender inequality, incest, child abuse, and pedophilia. Krakauer repeatedly described instances of young girls as young as 12 and 14 ordered to become the plural wives of men old enough to be their grandfathers. He described accounts of fathers and other relatives raping their daughters and committing other types of physical abuse. The young girls who grow up within the FLDS are taught that the way to attain salvation is to practice polygamy; to them, the choice presented, if any, is the choice between hell or plural marriage. It seems understandable, given those choices, and the fact of women's inequality within the FLDS, that young girls and women continue to participate in polygamy.

So horrible are the accounts that I found myself wondering why I hadn't heard of an outcry against the present-day practice of polygamy. Why aren't feminist organizations in Utah staging rescue operations in polygamous communities like they do in the brothels of Cambodia, or reaching out to the media to drum up awareness about the human rights violations being perpetrated against young girls in the name of fundamentalist Mormonism? Everyone should read this book and then try to figure out how to help the girls and women of the FLDS.

Princess: A True Story of Life Behind The Veil in Saudi Arabia, by Jean Sasson: My brother Bacchus gets credit for recommending this book to me, and I in turn want to recommend it to all of you. The book is a fascinating, appalling, and deeply disturbing look at the life of one of the many princesses of Saudi Arabia (her real name is kept confidential for obvious reasons). Through her story, we get a glimpse of the life of seclusion and subordination even the wealthiest and most privileged women in Saudi Arabia must lead.

For me, the book was incredibly eye-opening. I had not had any idea of the level of gender inequality in Saudi Arabia, and was also unaware of the political and social structure within the country in which a ruling class of thousands of princes and princesses live off of the proceeds of oil money. I had not realized that Saudi men take on plural wives, and had never read about the practice of bringing over domestic servants from countries such as the Philippines to serve not only as servants, but as the sexual playthings of young Saudi men. The level of inequality that women face in Saudi Arabia is breathtaking. They observe purdah (or seclusion) strictly and must be veiled completely before going out of their homes, are not allowed to speak with men unrelated to them, are forced into arranged marriages with older and sometimes abusive men, and are subjected to harsh and often-times fatal punishment for even the appearance of bringing dishonor upon their families.

In an interesting section, the author talks about the hopes held by some Saudi women at the start of the first Gulf War - when they saw female American soldiers in positions of power and other Arab women doing things, such as driving vehicles, prohibited under Saudi law - that the restrictions upon them might be relaxed. However, their hopes never materialized and according to this book women in Saudi Arabia continue to live today under the same system of oppression described so vividly in Princess.

It makes me sick that this level of gender inequality is allowed to persist in the world, let alone that the perpetrator is an ally of the United States. Women in Saudi Arabia are subordinated and disempowered, yet the media makes almost no mention of that reality, and GW, in the pictures that have been circulated of him shaking hands with and embracing male Saudi Royals, seems completely unconcerned about the status of Saudi women. As long as the U.S. has its access to oil, the lives, deaths, and disempowerment of women are apparently politically inconsequential.

The world needs to wake up and realize that the rights of women are human rights. As my young female clients so often plaintively point out, women and girls are human beings, and they deserve equal rights. Governments that deprive women of equal rights should be treated as violators of human rights and sanctioned accordingly. They should not be allowed to prance around as best buddies of the United States President. No price, however high, should justify the subordination of an entire group of people.

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein: I'm one of those kids who in school was too busy reading all of my books to be bothered with the assigned reading of English class. I was able to get "A"s on my papers based on class discussion and skimming the books, so for the longest time I was completely unconcerned about the books that I hadn't read. Now, however, I see the gaps in my education that skimming those classics produced, and I'm going back to fill in the holes left by my younger self.

One of those classics that had been on my list for some time was Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I had been particularly interested in Frankenstein because of the author's identity. Mary Shelley was the daughter of an early feminist theorist, Mary Wollstonecraft, the author of A Vindication of the Rights of Women.

Shelley's novel tells the story of Dr. Frankenstein's efforts to create life, and the well-known horrible consequences that occur upon his success. The creature Frankenstein causes to come to life is hideous in appearance, but gentle and "good" at the time of his creation. Scorned by Frankenstein and other humans he seeks to befriend, and grappling with loneliness and the fear and hatred his appearance generates in the hearts of those that behold him, the creature's nature turns vengeful. When Frankenstein refuses to create a female version to assuage his loneliness, the monster turns on his creator and vows to destroy Dr. Frankenstein's happiness, just as Dr. Frankenstein has destroyed any chances for the creature to find happiness.

I enjoyed the novel because it clarified details of the story of which I had been unaware. I found the creature to be sympathetic, and Dr. Frankenstein to be almost wholly unsympathetic. Dr. Frankenstein attempted to play God, and when he realized he had created something monstrous in appearance, he turned on his creation. As a result of his failings, his creation was irrevocably poisoned against him and against humanity. At any point, Frankenstein could have taken responsibility for his egregious mistake and informed the authorities of his creation and the fact that his creation had become a threat to those close to Frankenstein. In taking responsibility, he could have saved several lives. But Frankenstein never comes clean, and thus ends up much like the creature: alone, unhappy, and driven by one motivation, revenge. He becomes a reflection of the monster that he had created.

Frankenstein should be a cautionary tale against those who toy with the idea of tinkering with creation. I do not know how it is that we as humans came to be, and I do not know if there is a Creator somewhere out there in whose image we were made. However, I believe there are bounds that we should not cross, and one of those is the line between living and creating life through such artificial means as cloning. Frankenstein warns that attempts by humans to create life could result not only in the creation of monsters, but in the transformation of humans into reflections of their monstrous creations.

Dating Ageism

I've been guilty of dating ageism for some time. In the last couple of years, it has popped up in the context of me being mildly sickened by men my age (late 20s, early 30s) trying to get into the pants of early 20-somethings who are generally, but not always, far from their equals in life experience, education, and financial independence. Knowing the men, often it's abundantly clear that they are too intimidated or insecure to handle a relationship with a women their equal, and prefer trying to dive into girls they believe, sometimes amusingly in error, will be more easily managed and molded.

In the last week, I've come upon a new twist that pushes this scenario to new extremes, and I do not know what to make of it. My new flatmate, a 30-ish year old woman who is cute, fit, intelligent, well-traveled, and sophisticated, is dating a man who is more than twice her age. Her boyfriend of more than 2 years is, drum roll please, 70 years old. Before you make the obvious assumption, let me assure you, for what it's worth, that she does not strike me as the gold-digging type. There's no question that her boyfriend is insanely wealthy, and that she benefits in the form of trips, dinners, and being able to stay in his 5-bedroom townhouse, but she does not seem like she's in it for the money. She actually comes off quite strong and independent. I swear! I also really like her, and other than this minor blip, she seems completely normal.

When I heard about all of this, the two questions that popped immediately to mind where: (1) What about SEX???; and (2) Aren't you concerned that he might get sick and leave this earth long before you do? I didn't touch the sex issue, but asked as diplomatically as possible a few questions about her thoughts on the future prospects of the relationship. She told me that she hopes to one day marry her boyfriend, and added - perhaps in response to my thinly disguised look of incredulity - that people can not control who they fall in love with. She also said that she would rather have a short time with someone she really loved, than to have no time at all, which seems eminently reasonable.

But, when I envision getting married, I picture the excitement of building and sharing a life and family together with someone; not being attached to someone for 5 or 10 years with the expectation that they might soon become too frail to function or possibly die from old age. In this situation, her boyfriend, an incredibly accomplished, successful, and charming gentlemen has already built a life for himself. He's been married and divorced, he's made millions of dollars, he's traveled the world. I have to wonder, what is left for him to build with her?

It seems likely that he's looking for someone with whom to share a part of his already built life; perhaps even the remainder of it. Maybe all he wants and needs at this point in his life is an attractive companion, and if so, the deal is not a bad one for him. But what about for my flatmate? What about the hordes of attractive, intelligent, confident, kind, sophisticated, sexy men under the age of 70 (or say 38) that she could be dating and/or sleeping with? (Caveat: I have not actually seen these "hordes" of eligible men, but I choose to firmly believe that they exist). Can a 30-ish year old woman really be satisfied sexually with a 70 year old man? Even with viagra, and even if he's in excellent shape for a 70-year old, he's still 70. Maybe I appreciate my male eye candy, smooth skin, and muscles a little too much, or have a sexuality charged too much on superficial characteristics? Call me crazy, but I think a nice ass is hot, and I like my boy to be able to toss me around in bed. I don't want to feel like I might hurt him if things get a little...fun.

I can not go any further down this mental path. Though I'm trying very hard not to be judgmental, I can not imagine being physically intimate with someone so much older than me. It would be one thing if I was 60 or 70 or 80; at any of those ages, I'm sure I would think my flatmate's distinguished boyfriend was hot. But, at the age of 31, 70 year old men remind me of my grandfather. The way I'm wired, that connection - to a grandfatherly image - results in every sexual circuit I have clenching up and collectively squealing "ewwh!"

I couldn't do it. Could you? Have you?

Six Eclectic Things About B&B

We've been tagged bySparky Duck, the Philly Transplant. The rules: You list 6 weird/eclectic things about you, and then tag 6 other people to do the meme. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blogs letting them know that they have been tagged! Bean and I decided to mix things up a bit, and came up with 3 eclectic things about the other person. Here are the results:

3 Things About Buttercup (By Bean):

1) Buttercup went through a punk phase post-college where she pierced multiple body parts including her eyebrow, tongue, nose, and lip. She thought she looked "sparkly." During the same period of time, she dyed her hair frequently. One time, she decided that she was going to dye her hair a dark purple and mine a strawberry-blonde. Her hair came out a dark, almost black purple, and mine came out a bright red. My mom flipped out and dragged me to the salon to get it fixed. Buttercup refused to "fix" her hair.

2) Even though Buttercup is a huge feminist, she loves shows like America's Next Top Model. I don't understand how a feminist can love a show about all those skinny girls obsessed with their physical appearances whose greatest ambitions in life are to become a model. But, Buttercup loves it. She also thinks men should pay on "dates" and does not believe in "going Dutch."

3) Buttercup reads tons of fantasy and sci-fi books, and loves shows like "Charmed," about witches, wizards, and dragons. She also genuinely wishes that she had magical powers. When she was younger, whe was convinced that she did have magical powers, and that in order to access them she had to focus on unlocking the 90% of her brain that Einstein says we don't use. She would sometimes "practice" trying to unlock her powers by attempting to cause things to move with the force of her will. As far as I know, she has not yet been successful in unlocking her magical powers.

3 Things About Bean (By Buttercup):

1) Bean does this weird things where she sidles up close to me, as if to hug me, and then, while she's gently clinging to my body, starts tickling me. It's really weird and very hard to describe, and it drives me insane because I'm very ticklish. If she attempted to tickle me forcefully, I could deal with that. But the way she kind of attaches to me, it's very difficult to combat.

2) Bean loves whole milk and she drinks at least a glass of it each day. Gross! The super weird thing about this is that she drank whole milk before she got pregnant, and is not just doing it because of the pregnancy. She drinks whole milk straight, with no chocolate mixed in. To me, that would be the equivalent of sucking on a cow's udder, something I don't fancy doing anytime soon. But, she loves it.

3) After finding out that she was pregnant, Bean decided that it was a perfect time to get a second dog. I don't know if that fits into the weird or stark-raving-mad category, but it's definitely odd. She swears that it made perfect logical sense because by bringing in a new puppy into the family she was making sure that her other dog would not get lonely once the baby arrived. That kind of makes sense, but for someone who can not imagine taking care of one dog, let alone a dog and a baby, the idea of adding another dependent creature into the mix seems just a tad crazy.

The following people should consider themselves tagged: Heather, Starshine, Lass, Gypsy, Artemis, and Baraka. We're looking forward to reading your posts!

Is My Id Preggers?

I usually don't have pregnancy dreams, but in the last week I've had two! In the first dream, I was pregnant and struggling with overwhelming guilt because I had been drinking beers during my pregnancy. WTF?? I knew that I was pregnant because my stomach was growing larger each day and when I rested my hand on my belly I could feel the dream baby kicking against my palm. In the dream, I was having heated, horror-struck conversations with my friends where I was telling them how I had been drinking one or two beers per night for a few weeks, and I was terrified that I had somehow harmed my baby's development. The bizarre thing was that it was like I had just suddenly realized that that might be a possibility. My friends were trying to reassure me, but failing miserably.

I understood part of that dream. I had it my first night in my new apartment, after spending my last week at my ex's place packing up my belongings, watching SATC and HBO marathons. During that somewhat trying week, I pretty much survived on pizza and the best beers ever, and had at least one, if not 2, beers each night. Interestingly, I had no dreams during that last week; at least none that I recall. Drinking beer by myself, at home, during the middle of the week, was unprecedented for me, and apparently it generated some guilt in my mind - even though at the time I thoroughly enjoyed it. I remember thinking randomly at one point towards the end of the week that I was happy the move was finally going to happen because then I could go back to more healthier habits. So, I understand the beer. But, the pregnancy? I have no idea where it came from.

Last night, I had another pregnancy dream. In the second dream, I was pregnant but no one knew. I had started to show (even though no one knew), and I was coyly trying to hide my somewhat obvious bump (that everyone should have been able to see, but somehow didn't). In the dream, the baby was my ex's, which was somewhat ironic. At some point in the dream, my swollen belly hardened, and started to hurt. I was becoming worried and didn't know what was going on. At some point, I sat down on a bed covered in white sheets. When I got up to leave, I looked back and discovered that I had left three bloodstains behind. It turned out that the cramping and pain had been because I was getting my period, and not because I was pregnant. My subconscious provided no explanation for the bump or the hardening of my stomach.

What the heck does that mean? (Here's one possible interpretation).

As if that was not enough to ponder, I just got an email from my ex on my work email, out of the blue, telling me that he thought I would want to know that two of our friends are pregnant. He has a knack for doing things unthinkingly that I find completely inexplicable. The last time I spoke with him was last Saturday, when I politely called to let him know that I had removed all of my belongings from his apartment, and that he could move back in. Getting back to whether I would want to know from him that two of our sort-of-mutual friends are expecting... No, not really. Thanks anyway, but I actually do not need him emailing me that others are engaged in happily wedded, expectant bliss. After years of trying to make it work with him, I actually don't need or want him for anything anymore, thank you very much.

I can hear great news like that from others fine, and be thrilled for them, like my own sister, Bean (who I'm so happy is engaged in happily wedded, expectant bliss). But, from him? I don't think so. Sometime ago, Jennifer Aniston, talking about Brad Pitt, remarked that he was missing a "sensitivity chip." Apparently, many men are missing the same chip. Watch out, Angelina!

Despite the possible cravings of my id, thank God my ego kept me from going down that road with someone who so clearly was not right for me. The man I choose to have a baby with will have to come with a built-in sensitivity chip for sure!

Update: I was just talking to Bean about the picture I posted with this post (not Bean's tummy) and telling her how I thought it was fake, but wild. She started telling me that apparently this can happen, that mothers can see the limbs of their children pushing out against their stomach! Is this true? She also said that our Mom said (this is now third hand) that when she was pregnant she could see our feet pushing out against her stomach, similar to the posted picture. As Bean was telling me that, I started to feel faint and like I was going to vomit. I don't know if I could handle that. It's too alien-esque for me.

Thursday Thirteen # 20

Thirteen Issues/Questions Regarding Blogger

1) Some people - I'm not naming names - have switched over to Beta Blogger (the "new version" of Blogger), and it's causing me problems when I attempt to comment on their sites.

2) Although the "new version" says that you can sign in with your Google or Blogger password, for some bizarre reason several sites that have switched over to the dark side do not accept my Blogger password for commenting purposes.

3) I have a google account but it's in my actual name and signing on with it would defeat the anonymity of my blog. My firm would not like that.

4) Neither would I; I like my anonymity. It's fun!

5) In order to leave comments on those sites, I've had to leave them "anonymously" and then write in my name and http address into my comment. That takes forever.

6) Is this all part of Google's master plan to googlize the world?

7) This is all making me think that maybe I would like to switch from Blogger to somewhere else. Any suggestions?

8) But, if I switched to somewhere else, then I would still have the same problem commenting upon sites that have switched to the new version of Blogger, right?

9) Blogger has been pretty good to me, but there have been numerous problems with publishing. On occasion, I've lost whole posts, or been shut out of the system for hours. Does this happen on other systems, such as Typepad?

10) Bean & I have been wanting to revamp our blog with a new design. If we do this while we're still with Blogger, will that carry over to a new system?

11) I'm reaching now, to make it to 13, but I have been aggravated on occasion when Blogger refuses to let me post pictures. Often times that's what takes me the longest, not writing, but waiting for my pictures to post!

12) My last point of frustration has nothing to do with Blogger, but it has to do with my inability to reach it as frequently as I could before I moved into my new place. Frey was holding my computer for me in safe-keeping, and we have not yet worked out the logistics of me getting it back. That means that my only computer access since I moved has been at work!

13) At work, since our computer system limits our ability to download, not only can I not play solitaire, I can't download the tags from del.icio.us or bloglines that let me organize my links. Oh, the aggravation!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Luscious Night Cream

Looking for a great night-time beauty treatment? I highly recommend Origin's "High Potency Night-A-Mins," a soothing, mineral-enriched cream that I've been using for over a year as my night-time moisturizer. The cream contains B-Complex, C, E, and A vitamins, minerals, and exfoliating extracts. According to Origins, with Night-A-Mins, "Skin awakens rested, renewed and richly replenished." Based on my experience, I have to concur.

In addition to recharging and hydrating my skin, I love that the cream smells faintly of the delicate fragrance of oranges. I find the scent very relaxing when I anoint myself before bedtime, and have found, on occasion, that others enjoy the scent as well. This is in stark contrast to another one of Origin's night time products, Plantidote: Mega-Mushroom Face Cream. The cream was great, but the smell was a bit too earthy for my tastes.

I'm In My New Place!

The move from Chelsea to the UES came off, largely, without a hitch. I owe most of that to my brother, Frey. He was awesome! He came down Friday night from Connecticut, helped me pick up the truck Saturday morning, and then carried what I'm sure seemed like a million boxes and pieces of furniture up and down many, many stairs for about 5 hours - all without a single complaint. He just dug in and helped me get everything I needed to done. In addition, he rallied up a bunch of friends to help, all of whom were essential. Thank you Frey!!

I spent much of the remainder of the weekend unpacking and getting to know my apartment-mate. So far, she could not be better. She has been warm, welcoming, flexible and out of the apartment for huge stretches of time. What could be better? We actually had several great conversations in between me unpacking my kitchen stuff, and together we helped reorganize the apartment. I also got to meet her Mom, a wonderful Irish lady from California who knits like nobody's business. I found this out Sunday night when my roommate dropped off her Mom after dinner and went to spend the night with her boyfriend. Her Mom and I ended up gabbing it up for an hour and a half, and she showed me the meanest knit-stitch technique ever. It was amazing; the yarn was just flowing through her fingers. Apparently, when she was growing up in Ireland, all of the girls had to take knitting, so by the time she was in 3rd grade she was already making gorgeous sheep's wool sweaters. Very impressive.

The only detriments of the apartment that have become apparent are the large windows and skylight in my bedroom and the enormous amount of light they allow to shine down upon me at the ungodly hour of 7:30 am, and the odd lack of privacy I've been experiencing due to the fact that I don't have a door to my bedroom. My room is at the top of a spiral staircase without a doorway, and initially privacy concerns didn't even cross my mind because my room was on a separate level from the downstairs area and my roommate's room. However, now I'm thinking it would be nice to have some kind of physical barrier between my room and the open stairwell. I'm toying with the idea of dark purple floor-to-ceiling thick velvet drapes. Yum.

Hopefully, I'll have a bit of time this weekend to do some shopping; both for my place, and for Christmas gifts for my family. I'm starting to get stressed about Christmas shopping. This whole past month was so trying, and now I'm way behind on shopping. Work has also been quite demanding for a number of reasons, but I'm hoping by the end of the week I'll have a bit of time to breathe. I'll give myself a few hours to relax, and then I'm hitting the pavement. No worries; I far prefer looking for gifts, than for apartments.

Here's an important question, speaking of boys, what do you get for the men in your life? My brothers and Dad are so hard to shop for. What are some great gift ideas for the boys/men we love?

Baby Boy and Christmas

The baby is moving and getting bigger and bigger; he's about a pound now. I thought I wrote a post but must have dreamt it. So for you all, we are having a Boy! A little precious baby boy! We had a doctor's appointment today and everything is fine. I have gained the appropriate weight...majority of it in my belly. As well with the frontal gain, my boobs are huge now, I wish they would stay a while but already I am too nervous of sagging so I sleep in a "bra-tang-top" for support. I am even more excited that in only 3 months and 20 days approximately, I will be holding my first son in my arms.

It is overwhelming to think of the day when his lease is up and he moves out of his current home and he is welcomed into this world; right into my arms. (I guess I will share him with my family too. Oh yeah and his dad can hold him.) I am going to have so much fun with our little one and I am so happy for him that he is already loved so much by all the family. I am jealous that he can start with a clear slate and paint whatever picture he wants. There are tons of things on my slate that I wish I stopped before I painted them, but then again, if it wasn't for those events, my whole mural could be different and I wouldn't want that.

Other than this new human being that I so far have been taking very good care of, things are well. I will see my family soon, which I am very excited for. I hate not having them around. I wish I could go grab a movie with my brothers, a soy chai with my sister, dinner with mom , and maybe a swim with my dad. Or perhaps, I could just decide to grab the dogs after work and head over to one of their homes to go for a run. Well, not at my sister's. The weather there is like the weather here. I woke up to another 6 inches of snow. I HATE the cold and it is freaking cold. And it sounds freezing in Manhattan. But a Chai latte sounds good. Or maybe we could knit together with Smores.

This next week is full with stuff to do. We have finished 50% of Christmas shopping...YAH! I always look forward to getting my family gifts, but I always enjoy checking them off my list too and hope they enjoy what I have gotten for them. I am so excited to spend time with my family. I just hope that I am able to see everyone and no one feels cheated. Especially me. I hate feeling cheated that I don't hang out with someone enough. Like last time. I felt as though I didn't see my mom enough. I also didn't see my brother and sister alot but they were only there for a short time, so it was reasonable that I only saw them so much. I anticipate my vacation so much and anticipate hanging out with each family member and then for whatever reason, I don't feel fulfilled in the end. I guess that is life.