Musings from Babyland

By now, it must be fairly obvious that I'm totally smitten with my adorable little nephew. I'm not sure what to call him yet on the blog. Baby Buddha comes to mind based on his usually calm, tranquil demeanor, wise little face, and the fact that he likes to sleep with his arms and legs crossed, as if he's reclining in some meditative pose. Turtle is also a possibility because his little wrinkly neck is turtle-esque in an exquisitely adorable way.

I've been staying at Bean's house now for about 6 days, and everything's going pretty smoothly. It's been me, Bean, her husband, our mom, and Baby Buddha. Usually, I have about a 3-day limit with my family, and then, despite my intense love for them, I've got to get back to my own space. It's just how I am. Little things start to grate on me and slowly drive me crazy. Like, for example, the sound of family members chastising the dogs, yelling at them to "sit," "stop," "get out of there." I don't know why that drives me crazy, but it does. (I do not see myself ever having dogs in my house.) However, this time around, I've already passed the 3-day mark and I'm doing just fine. Apparently, baby holding time boosts my coping skills. How could it not? It's such a gift.

Of course, with a new baby, everyone has an opinion, and I've been trying my hardest not to be an annoying older sister about Bean's new mommyhood status. This has been relatively easy for two reasons. First, Bean's doing an absolutely terrific job. She (and her husband) are wonderful with the baby. Second, as the last baby I took care of was Bean, about 22 years ago, I know pretty much zero about babies, and thus find it relatively easy to stay out of things (especially diaper changing). Even so, there are times when I have mentioned this, that, or the other, and I just hope Bean realizes those comments have come from a place of love, not a desire to annoy the crap out of her. I am truly in awe of the ease with which she has shifted into mommyhood. There have been so many moments that have happened during the last few days that I am going to treasure for probably the rest of my life. I am so happy that I was able to make it here for the baby's birth, and I'm grateful that Bean wanted my Mom and I to come for the week.

On a different note, while in Utah, I've learned, to my intense disappointment, that when faced with a house full of candy, sprinkles, ice cream, and cookies, and a stove that doesn't work (making eggs impossible to make), I have absolutely no discipline whatsoever. Nada. Instead of reaching for snacks of fruit and yogurt, I've been existing mainly on junk food and crackers and cheese. In the last few days, I have single-handedly destroyed almost all of the good work that I did at Bikini Boot Camp in terms of eating healthy and toning up, and am now back to feeling out of shape and like I have a constant stomach ache. I should be disciplined enough to choose carrots over a handful (or 2 or 3) of mini eggs, but, unfortunately, I'm just not that disciplined yet. When I get back to New York, I most certainly am not going to buy mini eggs, but when they're bags of them in front of me, and when it happens to be Easter, and when I'm thinking this will be my last run of unhealthyness before I get totally in gear... it becomes somewhat difficult to rationalize not eating them. I have, however, meditated a few times, and have been writing in my journal, so I have been keeping up at least some of my positive BBC habits. *sigh*

Also, unrelatedly, I randomly came across the following quote the other day: "Love isn't love unless it is expressed; caring isn't caring unless the other person knows; and sharing isn't sharing unless the other person is included." It reminded me of another quote that Pas showed me one time, something to the effect of: "Love isn't a feeling, it's a behavior."

The quote sums up one of the biggest lessons that I learned about relationships during the past year, that people can say they love and care about you until they're blue in the face, but unless they love and care for you in a way that makes you feel loved and cared for, their words are meaningless. The inconsistency between their words and actions will most likely leave you feeling ripped to pieces, and no one needs that. Now that I'm whole again, I know that I am never again going to allow myself to get into a relationship where I feel ripped apart on a weekly basis. I've moved past the stage where I was confused by empty words, and into a place where I'm not going to settle for anything less than consistency between words and actions.

I'm off to go spend some QT with Baby Buddha. Only two more days left to soak up the feel of his little body in my arms, and to revel in the site of his perfectly formed lips and feathery eye lashes. Thank you Universe for him. I get it now why everyone always talks about babies being gifts from God (or whatever spirit or lack thereof that you believe in). They are.