Thursday, April 12, 2007


Something crazy is going on with the universe. Namely, it's spinning a web around me, bringing me all these people, books, ideas, wonderful synchronicities, coincidences, crazy things that are making me smile and realize how connected I am to everything. It probably started a long time ago but I was preoccupied so couldn't see the messages. Now I can and I feel so happy I feel almost high, like my heart is swelling, wanting to burst out of my chest. This is crazy. It's not just the absence of a destructive job and a destructive relationship. It's experiencing the fruits of months and months of work, of letting things go, of opening up my self, of gaining new insight, of embracing who I am and finding, surprisingly, trust in some kind of greater order.

It happened by accident. I had no intention, during the last few months, of becoming remotely spiritual. I wasn't looking for anything other than me; I was just trying to be still, trying to be present, trying to live in the now. And, all of a sudden I started feeling connected with myself on a deeper level. And, in that connection, I suddenly realized I wasn't alone. I felt connected to the universe, whatever that may be. To me, it's some kind of higher order; a sense of connectedness. Despite "Life of Pi," I'm an agnostic, so it's not exactly a God that I envision pulling the strings, although Tara has captured my imagination. It's more of a sense of connection to all things living. I see me in you and you in me. I know this sounds loopy. I still have a long way to go to figure all of this out, to fully embrace it. But, it feels good to be filled with more positive emotions, to be detached - at least for the moment - from anger, jealousy, and hurt. We have only one life; why fill it up with anything other than something beautiful? Why bring anyone into it unless they enhance your experience?

What is the greater meaning? I don't know yet. I know that ideas of personal enlightenment resonate with me. I'm on a quest - one among many - to explore Buddhist thought more fully. First, because it is a philosophy based on notions of kindness and compassion. It's concerned with personal growth, not conversion. Second, because in the last month I have felt content, happy, and blissful. I now understand that I have the capacity to feel so at peace. I want to pursue that feeling on a more permanent basis. I want to feel free, relaxed, at peace with myself and the world. I want to integrate it into my being, my daily reality. I don't want it limited to a weekly vacation.

I don't know if I can ever be a lawyer again. Where's my Capricornian ambition? My steel? It's been overwhelmed and diffused in these feelings of happiness and joy. Can I be at peace with the world and go for the opposing party's throat? Do I want to? Not really, unless they're anti-feminist. Then I could channel this zen energy and use the power of the universe to crush them under a tide of truth. But, for now, I'm just going to go with the feelings of bliss. I feel so lucky and overwhelmed with gratitude. Life can be filled with such wonder, if you open yourself up to it.

I have to remember this all a month from now.


Gregory A. Becerra said...

Can you have some of that stuff without being required to have all of it? In other words can you be happy and appreciate yourself without having to become spiritual or drastically change your belief system?

In my own life I found that I occasionally traded one set of beliefs for another. I kind of took the new set as a package deal. I can't be unique in this behavior.

The problem I found is that the new set of beliefs really weren't me. I went to these because my parents’ beliefs really weren't me either. In the end I found the best approach was a la carte. I picked and chose beliefs on their own merit and that seems to work for me.

You seem like a very intelligent woman so I give you better than average odds at being able to keep a lot of who you were (like a lawyer or maybe some other stuff) and reconcile this with some of this new stuff you discovered.

As an analogy, it's a lot like your question about doing away with “Buttercup & Bean” and doing something new. You can't just throw away who you are because for each of us that's everything. You have to build on it.

I don't really think that's what you plan, but I do think maybe you may be selling who you were and are short a bit. You mention you had a couple of rough patches in your life. But don't forget your blog draws a lot of attention from lurkers around the internet. That says there is and was something special about you before all this new stuff.

Maybe a big change isn't necessary only a little housecleaning. How about you call your blog simply "Buttercup"? You deserve to acknowledge your previous accomplishments. You have clearly earned it.

Gregory A. Becerra said...

Here are a few of my book recommendations for Eastern thought that you or others might like. A lot of what is on bookselves is written more like self-help books and miss the points of these philosophies/religions:

The Sivananda Companion to Yoga: ISBN: 0671470884. This is an excellent book on Hatha yoga (this is the asanas and pranayama, and is a part of Raja Yoga, which in turn is one of the four paths of yoga). This is a great book for stretching and exercise so I recommend to everyone for health.

Chuang Tzu: Basic Writings: ISBN: 0231086067 or 0231105959 Chuang Tzu is one of the foundations of Taoist thought, who were influenced by Tibetian and Indian thought. This is quite different from Chinese (Chan) Buddhism, but along with Chan, I believe, influenced Japanese (Zen) Buddhism greatly. Chuang Tzu is my personal favorite Eastern philosopher/mystic.

The Essential Teachings of Zen Master Hakuin: ISBN: 0877739722. Hakuin revived Zen in Japan so much of what he has to say is important today to Zen Buddhist.

Karianne said...

BC, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. If only everyone could feel this amazing-ness of this life like you are right now. AND have a new nephew! Do you think that could have something to do with it as well?

I'm so happy for you Babe. Keep it up. You make me so proud.

Starshine said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling content, happy, and blissful. I agree that "synchronicities" often happen for a reason. I believe God brings people together for a reason, for example. I even believe that God allowed us to become blog buddies and friends for a reason. Inspite of your agnostic leanings, can I encourage you to be open to the possibility that perhaps it is God working out a plan on your behalf? If God is indeed trying to reveal himself to you, it can't hurt to be open it! :)

I'm so excited for your upcoming India trip! Look forward to catching up soon!