Sunday, May 11, 2008

Pinballing

There must be something in the air because there have been a number of ex-sightings of late, not to mention some ex-play. I saw Drummer again a couple of weeks ago, in between being sick. In fact, he may have just given me my latest bug - a bug which I'm proud to say I beat off sans antibiotics and am now stronger for it. I'm not getting sick again this season. Period. We went to Beauty Bar and Snatchers down in the East Village and had some beers - the first beers I had had in almost a year. Apparently, I've turned in to a bit of a wine drinker. There was something about drinking a chilled $5 Brooklyn Lager that was unbelievably satisfying, and fun.

Perhaps too fun, because we ended up having a little sleep over and some smooching ensued. It was nice and comfortable in a way that I guess only making out with an ex-boyfriend who was cool can be. There was no awkwardness or anxiety. It was just pleasant. I'm not sure though that I'll repeat the experience because I think it's true that if you're directing your energy into the past, you're necessarily not opening yourself up the future, or even to the now. On the other hand, enjoying someone from the past in the present - with no concerns about the past and no anxiety about the future - is very much living in the present, so that' s OK. But, I think the whole "recycling" thing, even for an evening, can keep you stuck in the past, in a way that I don't want to be. I'm melancholy, sensitive, and nostalgic enough as it is - I don't need smooches with men of my past to mess with me.

And, if I'm honest with myself, though I did not want anything and still don't, mess with me it did. Not in a major way, but just a little. It's like a cove open to the Ocean that's been cordoned off by a deep wall of rocks piled one atop the other all the way up to the surface. The power of the open water is held at bay, the pressure remains carefully balanced as water passes back and forth between the cove and the open water, splashing and trickling over and between the rocks of the wall. A storm happens out in the Ocean and the wall protects the cove. But, the cove is only protected as long as the rock wall remains intact. Take a way a few boulders and suddenly a rush of open sea floods the cove, bringing with it pretty shells, pebbles, a different ph-balance, and, on occassion, a few sharks. My indiscretion with Drummer did not let a shark in, but it toppled a few boulders out of place. The wall was easily rebuilt, but the temporary break was a reminder that some things are probably best left out in the open water on the other side of the wall.

The other sighting wasn't really a sighting per se. I heard through the grapevine that my college ex-boyfriend is getting divorced. Totally unexpectedly, that news brought with it a small swirl of emotions. One of them was sadness. Sadness that we're all bouncing around this life like pinballs, running into one another, spending a moment here, a moment there, finding moments we think are special, building on them, and then watching them splinter apart. Sounds a little bleak and depressive, right?

I think I've been feeling kind of melancholy, and sure enough, the Capricorn horoscope on Facebook - an eminently dependable source - said today: "Capricorn, you're having a hard time shaking yourself out of your funky mood. Stay away from others so you don't bring them down." Thanks, Facebook. My little sister, Bean, echoed Facebook when she said to my Mother, upon hearing (a) that I had smooched Drummer and (b) that I was sick again: "Buttercup's got to stop kissing boys." I think there might be some truth to that. It might just be time for a Boy Moratorium.

2 comments:

wordnerd said...

But BC, boys are so much fun....and kissing them...well, I would vote for doing it as long as you legally can! But then again, that's just the words of an old married gal.

Facebook is wild....I've connected with some of the strangest characters from my past...so odd...yet so great at the same time.

tara said...

I would venture to say that the fact that you are using a wall as a metaphor here means that you still need to do some processing on some past relationships. Just a guess, but sometimes we have to go through them layer by layer and we think we are done when we are not yet.

Be gentle with yourself, and go through it again if you need to. Don't worry so much about getting over it and getting on. Just be.

Happy to hear you are felling well enough again for beers though!