Friday, September 15, 2006

Deadly Delight

That's it! I am never, ever, ever buying a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream again! I simply can not be trusted with it. I have no discipline and I am powerless against it.

I wasn't even emotionally eating. At least I don't think I was. I was feeling good, in a happy mood, and yet still I picked up that spoon. My right hand enabled me!! Curse you hand - you traitorous appendage!

Partly it's because I came home late. Way too late to even thinks about making a healthy dinner. Way too late to do anything except grab the closest readily available edible substance and plop down on the couch to chill out.

I came home late because I had counseling at 8 pm instead of my usual earlier time. I switched my time because of Dragon Lady and the deposition that I thought I would be covering with her today. Dragon Lady didn't tell me I wouldn't need to attend to her until yesterday morning, too late to change back my counseling time. It's fantastic that I didn't have to spend the day under those tortuous conditions, but frustrating to have a whole evening thrown off kilter for no reason. So, it's Dragon Lady's fault!

Yeah, it's Dragon Lady's fault that I came home late and didn't have time to make a healthy dinner. It's her fault that I stopped by the corner store near my house to see if they had ice cream, and it's also her fault that I went to a second store when the first one didn't have the kind I wanted. Dragon Lady is also responsible for me walking into my house, tossing my purse down, grabbing a spoon, and then sitting down on the couch in front of the tube with the pint of ice cream in one hand and the spoon in the other.

. . . Ok, maybe not. I suppose I can't blame her for absolutely everything out of whack in my life. Her claws are long and sharp but even she has her limits. Raj isn't here, so I guess I have no one to blame except for myself for this 1200-calorie slip-up.

Yep, I wrote that correctly. One itsy-bitsy, teensy-weensy pint has twelve-hundred calories!! Good lord! How do they even pack 1200 calories into such a small container? It's gotta be a conspiracy. Someone - I'm not going to name any names - is trying to wear down the women of America by disguising massive amounts of calories as harmless minty, chocolatey goodness. Who would think that something so good could be so bad?

It's a travesty of justice.

It's not like I'm surprised. It's definitely happened before. I have been known to eat an occasional pint of ice cream. It's just so damn good. It's the most delectable food item I could imagine. Whoever masterminded the tremendous combination of mint, creamy coolness and hidden chocolatey chips is a true genius. That's why it's so easy to eat an entire pint, because with each bite I'm trying to find more chips. Over and over again I go exploring in the ice cream, trying to create that most perfectly proportioned bite. It's takes a lot of trial and error to get the perfect ratio of chips to ice cream in a spoonful. And I'm a type A. I want perfection, and I won't stop until I get it.

And when I've eaten only a 1/4 of the pint, I think to myself that I have so much left. Another bite isn't going to kill me and it's not like I'm going to eat the whole thing!

And when I've eaten 1/2 of the pint, I think to myself that I haven't eaten healthy for the night, but one more bite isn't going to kill me, and it's not like I'm going to eat the whole thing!

And when I've eaten 3/4 of the pint, I think to myself that I've totally blown any pretense at eating healthy for the evening. I might as well have one more bite, because if I'm going to fall off the wagon, I might as well fall of spectacularly and thoroughly enjoy it.

And when I've eaten almost the whole pint, I think to myself that it would be stupid to put the almost-empty pint back into the freezer - the inside of which this poor little pint will never see. It would just be a waste of space, and in addition to that, Raj would notice and know that I came home and ate a whole pint of ice cream. All by myself. It's not like I wouldn't tell him . . . eventually. A day or two from now after the ice cream has left my system, after I've had a few liters of water, and when I'm back to feeling semi-firm and svelte instead of bloated and jiggly.

That's my vice you see. I don't drink to excess (I'm pretty much tanked by 2). I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't have unsafe or unhealthy sex. I'm pretty much good all around, except for the job I hate, my anxiety about my future - both professionally and personally, the emotional issues I'm still sorting through related to my family (who I love very much), and Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. Of all those, the ice cream is clearly the biggest problem.

It is my downfall. I am defenseless and vulnerable before it's cold, icey glare.

But no more! I am taking a stand against this merciless foe. I will no longer be tricked by it's siren-like call into believing that I will be able to exercise some restraint if I purchase a pint. No matter how much my mouth salivates at the thought of this temptress touching my tongue, I will walk by the freezer case with my chin held high, refusing to eye its colorful, deceptively cheery label. From this moment onward, I will banish all thoughts of those coy little chips from my mind. I am strong and I will triumph!!

Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, You will rule me No MORE!

15 comments:

Tracy said...

Not only was this post thoroughly entertaining, that last paragraph was beautifully written!

"the thought of this temptress touching my tongue".

Nice alliteration.

InterstellarLass said...

I usually didn't feel so bad if I induldged in a pint of Haagen daz Vanilla Raspberry swirl. It only had 680 calories per pint.

Heather said...

Mint chip is my downfall too.

Buttercup said...

Tracy, why thank you kindly.

Interstellarlass, If only raspberry swirl tasted as perfect as mint chip!

Heather, It's tough being us.

Ally Bean said...

Oh, I love Mint Chocolate Chip. But mint is an herb right? And herbs are healthful, right? So except for the calories, it's very healthy for you! I wish.

Anonymous said...

i'm right there with you. although for me it's chocolate swirl. have you not discovered tasty delite though? - Minerva Jane

gravelly said...

Buttercup, you are a riot! 1200 calories!!! Damn, I am good!!!

Laura said...

This is my daughter's favorite ice cream, and my other daughter loves it just as much, EXCEPT.. she won't eat the choc. chips. spits them out!
How many calories do you figure she saves by doing so? LOl

Gypsy said...

Mint choclate chip ice cream is from the devil. I've weaned myself off by getting addicted to Publix brand frozen yogurt.

MommyBa said...

My goodness! The photo made me hungry! I love mint chocolate chip ice cream!!

Spill The Beans said...

Mint is delish, but even more irresistible to me is butter pecan. It's my boyfriend's favorite, so ostensibly I buy it for him, but of the last gallon, he only got one scoop.

bad, bad girlfriend.

Bacchus said...

bacchus here...
I think you should try Haagen-Daz "Caramel Cone..." it's incredible...(Actually, i've only had the Light version, but it's surpassed Dulce De Leche as my favorite ice cream) & I have no qualms with putting down pints @ a time

enjoy your vacation, saw shakira last night... damn!

Buttercup said...

All - I'm so glad I'm not alone in my ice cream addiction!!

Minerva Jane - Tasty Delight, huh? Maybe I'll give it a shot. I've come back from vacation intent on being healthy so it might be a step in the right direction.

Laura - Your daughter spitting the chips our is hilarious! Maybe this means she'll be spared from a future chocolate addiction?

Healthy Chocolate Delight said...

Wow...that was funny!

I was searching the chocolate blogs and ran across this...had a
great laugh! I am promoting a
healthy, low calorie dark chocolate, so if anyone is interested in saving themselves from the bad chocolate, please visit my blog at http://healthychocolatedelight.blogspot.com/
Thanks so much,
Shirley

Anonymous said...

omg, this was hysterical. it is almost 1am in ny and i was online looking to see how many calories in a pint of chocolate hagan daz ice cream. this was the first link that came up! so i clicked on it. i loved it, so funny. and i do think it is dragon lady's fault. all of it!