Friday, September 07, 2007

Post-Emotional Meltdown

It turns out that I jumped the gun a little bit when I said I was back to relative normal. What would have been more accurate was to say that I was emotionally spent, physically exhausted, and teetering on the edge of an emotional meltdown.

I suppose 5 days of massive emotional stress trying to care for two high risk teenagers, a ton of work, my period, taking the red-eye and then going to work, and total physical exhaustion will do that to a person.

I had a fight with my therapist last night.

Have you ever even heard of such a thing?

I love my therapist. For over a year and a half she's been an integral part of my support system, an we've had an extremely positive and productive relationship. But last night, I came very close to writing her a final check and storming out of her office. Honestly, I wanted to curse at her, tell her to fuck off, and slam the door in her office so hard that the frame shook. I have a lot of experience doing that sort of thing from years of fights growing up.

I'm not going to go into the details other than to say that it was about scheduling. What a completely stupid thing to have a meltdown over, right? But, because of they way she brought it up, and (mostly) because of the emotional/exhausted state that I was in when I saw her I ended up feeling attacked, vulnerable, and like she didn't care at all. And, I couldn't handle it. What I needed was some support, not to have more bullshit dumped on top of me. I actually needed her. It wasn't about boys or food or stupid shit. It was something where I actually could have used some support. Do you know what I did? I completely closed down and withdrew.

It's like reaching for something and having someone slam down a window on your fingertips. You withdraw your hand and don't reach out again.

Fuck. A year and a half of therapy and I still can be pushed to that point. So much for progress. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I basically acted out a hard-wired response that would no doubt be fruitful to discuss if we are able to repair the relationship, which I don't know about right now.

I'm really upset about it. It's like a disturbance in the force.

I actually have two disturbances in the force right now, in terms of my web of relationships. My younger brother, Bacchus, and I aren't speaking to one anther at the moment, and now a fight with CG. It's awful.

You know what, I'm just too exhausted to deal with any of this right now, and plus I can't because I'm at work and I need to take care of a bunch of things. She made me really angry last night and today I feel hurt (I also feel bad because I may have hurt her). For the first time, I think I truly understood how my clients feel when they talk about hating their therapists. It's a relationship where you are, out of necessity, completely emotionally vulnerable, and because of that, you can end up hurt.

I'm sad.

I'll process this weekend. Rumi's back. The apartment is clean, which is nice, and we stayed up until 1 am catching up. Me with my puffy eyes and her dressed to the nines talking about breaking up with her boyfriend in the same breath as she's saying he's taking her to Europe in a few weeks.

The good news? I'm going to have a bath tub all to myself in less than two weeks. God, do I need that. Oh, also, I started knitting again. I'm knitting a scarf for one of my little teenage friends. A turquoise scarf.


Gypsy said...

It isn't any wonder you had a meltdown with all the hours you've been putting in. I'm sorry it's left you hurt, though. Though I don't know the details, I'm betting your therapist will be able to 1) let this slide (she's probably going to be pretty understanding about this) and 2) help you work through it.

I hope things look brighter after this weekend. Be good to yourself.

Starshine said...

I agree with Gypsy. With all you've been doing, it's bound to take an emotional toll.

Would you feel better if you called your brother and your therapist this weekend to talk things out?


Greg said...

You should have told your therapist to fuck off. What do you pay her for if not to tell her that occasionally? That's one of the few people you shouldn't be concerned with holding back. That's her job. Maybe what bugged you was that it hit home at a bad moment that it was her job and she wasn't really just there for you in a personal way?

There is probably a lot of stuff I would disagree with you on. But you were one of the first bloggers I read, and I continue to come back. You have depth not found elsewhere. It's tough when you feel like you’re always surrounded by shallows, which I have a feeling you at least sometimes feel you are.

I don't really know you, but if I did I wouldn't pat you on the head and say everything is going to be ok. Life is fucking hard. Would you really want it any other way? Stick your head out the window and scream as loud as you can, you bottle too much up inside, but like I said, I don't really know you do I. Give yourself a day to get away from all those -isms and just live for a few hours for your own selfish pleasure.

If you can't tell your therapist to fuck off, feel free to use me as a target, I don’t mind. I tagged you for a meme that you already did if that helps your motivation.

Buttercup said...

Gypsy - I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow. :)

Starshine - Maybe.

gravelly said...

What about Greg?

Greg said...

It's ok, I'll just cry myself to sleep.

Starrlight said...

Sorry it sounds like hell week for you =(

I agree, you pay your therapist, probably pretty nicely too, so you should be free to toss out a fuck you or two a year =)

ONwebCHECK said...

Event that 5 days will have an end.